Wifes meds reduced (unfortunately)

What's missing with her therapist is YOUR input. I am part of my H wellness team. My feedback is important and if the dx has not spoken to me, they will call in the middle of one of their sessions to check in about what I am seeing, and see if it matches my H's perspective on how he is doing. THIS is what should be taking place with your situation. Then, the dx can evaluate how the wife responds to what you say, is she on board with it or not, and then can determine the best course of treatment. Without your input, that is VERY one sided and difficult for them. It is a shame the dx is not insisting on this for your wife’s wellbeing.

Remember power comes in quite calm behavior from the spouse as it backs up the definitive statements said...i.e. "don't speak to me in that manner, that is unacceptable, I will not stand for it"...then if she does it again, give her a look of disappointment and disapproval - turn - then walk away from her without a word until she stops. All you can do is disengage from her in those moments and not give her what she wants...someone to verbally whip on. You must think of it this way...it is a fishing metaphor...she bates the hood and casts it out....if YOU do not bite, then she can't reel you into a fight. Focus solely on taking care of your daughter and do all you can to not get caught in her hook to engage you in an argument so she has a place to vent out her demons.

You are in a tough spot, and it will stay tough until YOU make some definitive decisions for yourself and not wait to see what else she is going to do. Decide what is acceptable to you, and then take action. If being treated this way is NOT acceptable, take action, say no more and mean it. Take legal action, move in next door, down the street...whatever. Focus on what is best for your daughter (and certainly a good working relationship with "mommy & daddy" on her behalf would be at the top of the list - whether you remain living together or not...married or not), and getting YOUR life happy again. Stop forgetting that YOU count too. The fact that your wife is raging ill right now, given the length of time, no longer matters; the fact is, IF she ever gets well, and is ready to behave as a true partner both in wellness and in life, there is nothing that says you can't revisit reconciliation for your family.

Hang in there. LFW

This is the crux of your problem Familyman. A BP can not go this alone, and ANY really good pdoc will know that. If a patient is married, then having the spouse a part of the mix is vital for the success of the patient. Plus, during the sessions, the pdoc can get to also know the spouse and be able to determine over time if accusations such as your wife are making could be proving true - or they are not. As an example, my H's pdoc knows me well because of the work we do together as a team, he sees that I am level headed, straight up honest, when my H complains that I am meticulous about details and it drives him crazy....blah blah, the pdoc can see that that statement is true, because he has experienced me being so with him as well about details concerning my feedback, tracking meds for our S...etc. So, that would not seem like a "off reality" statement on the part of my H. But if my H says that he is fine and I am the source of all his problems, I am inconsistent, demanding, moody or lying about things, trying to drive him crazy..whatever...the pdoc knows me well enough that he would see that the problem with perception is lying with my H, and therefore would be BP related. He would have a barometer to base level on for them. Does this make sense? If your wife is working SO hard to keep you out of this, there is NOTHING you can do except realize you do NOT have a partner in this relationship and make a CHOICE if THIS is how you want to live your life forever.

Familyman, the fact that your wife has BP and it is raging right now, does not mean she is absolved from being held accountable for her actions and behavior. You do her NO favors by letting her have a free pass because of the BP. You simply create more of a monster. And all you have is the information that she is ill, treating you poorly, has been for a long time, and on the assumption it never changes back....is this how you want to live? When she got mad at you for calling you pdoc, you should have said you are her H, and what you said was important that he hears, and it is completely unacceptable that you not be part of the team for her. You should make a definitive statement and then COMPLETELY disengage. She can’t argue by herself if you remove yourself from being in the mix at that moment. Make a choice for yourself and take your own emotional power back. That is how you stop being victim to her BP. Is it sad, YES. But it IS your reality. Does that make sense? Ask yourself what are you getting out of this situation by staying in it, and what you are not. Be honest with yourself....Are you a drama junkie? Have you always been a victim - so the role comes easily to you? Were you ever abused before while growing up? The fact is, if you say yes to any of that, then you too may need some support from a therapist because then in some way, this abuse you are dealing with seems in a bizarre way can feel comfortable because it feels familiar – even if it is negative. Do you understand what I mean? There is always a pay off for the choices we make, albeit good or bad, but there is always a pay off somewhere. i.e. - A person who waits for the other to "decide" on the fate of things becomes absolved of their own responsibility to the situations outcome. They can't be 'responsible" if it wasn't their "choice". Do you see the game in that? Decide what YOU are going to do for yourself, this is how you will take your personal power back. Good luck...LFW

Serafena, I think you should re-read the post again. I did not say that he WAS a drama junkie/victim/or a person with past abuse issues. I said that these would be questions he should ask himself to see if HE felt he was any of those things. And IF so, then it might explain why he was having such a hard time realizing he matters too, or having such a hard time standing up for himself in this situation. I also said that if HE felt he was, that perhaps it was time that he got some support with a therapist for himself in this situation.

I do understand why HIPPA exists, and I DO agree with it in most cases. I also agree with your perspective that an abuser can be BP or the spouse of one, and therefore, in some cases, the spouse should not have access. However, if it was that kind of situation, a good pdoc would know that is going on, there is danger, and would be doing all they can to work with their patient to support them in getting away from the person perpetrating the abuse. And I do feel strongly that a spouse should be involved in the process of wellness if their partner is BP. Success comes from a team effort. Without it, I think situations loose balance and perspective. But I DO hear what you are saying, and I DO have a lot of empathy for what you had to grow up in. I wish that I could HUG all the pain and damage it caused away for you.

I hope this helped straighten out what I said for you. LFW