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Put my foot down with my Bp wife

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 12/18/2007 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
I asked my wife, by text message, if she was taking her meds.  She of course said , "yes".  I asked if she was taking the correct dosage she got mad and wanted to know why.  I know that she is only taking one pill when she is supposed to take three of Topomax.  A text arguement insued.  She tried to blame me for all her problems and said I needed to look in the mirror.  As usual.  I told her that I did not force her to buy the big house that she knew I could not pay for, and I did not force her to buy five cars in a year and have a huge car payment.  Higher then most house payments.  I did not run up her credit cards.  i did not make her spend money on window tint, golf shoes, playing golf, Christmas decorations, and spend her entire commision check (in excess of $10,000) in less than 2 months.  She wanted to know why I wouldn't get off her back.  I told her because I care about her and I want her to get help.  She continued to blame me for everything and tells me that I say mean things to her.  Anything I say to her she takes as being mean.  I told her she could take a break this weekend and I would watch our daughter because she stayed home for two weeks while our daughter was sick.  she got mad at me and told me she was not the babysitter that she was her mother.  She told me I was condescending.  I have no idea what she was talking about.   I told her could not say anything that would satisfy her.  She said, on text, that it was her misunderstanding and asked me to drop it.  If I was the one that acted that way she would never drop it.  I feel like the end is nearing but with the holidays coming up I think things will get worse.  We are supposed to go up north to see her family and they don't know how she is acting with me.  She functions just fine with everyone else but she treats me like crap.  I hesitate to say anything to anyone in her family because they only see her twice a year.  Don't think it would do much good.  Sorry for the run on.  I just needed to vent.  I don't want her to drive me into insanity.  She has not come home yet but I am sure she will noe be happy to see me.
Posted 12/18/2007 10:49 PM (GMT 0)
Had I done what your wife has done buying all that stuff my hubby would hasve put a stop to it in no uncertain terms like it or not............

Posted 12/18/2007 10:58 PM (GMT 0)
She's not taking her meds. She's definitely having manic episode and getting into financial trouble. LFW had the right idea. Talk to your lawyer now and start getting your ducks in a row.

As to whether or not to talk to anyone else in the family, is there anyone else she is close to? A sister/mom? I think it's time to get brave and let someone else know how bad things have gotten because if things go sour for you, she's going to need the back up. Your wife is going to be MAD when you tell someone, but IMO, it's worth it. She's already mad at you. She really needs help and she's not accepting it from you or from her doctor. She's going to end up in the hospital at this rate.

My dad was desperately, hopelessly, living-in-the-basement, alcoholic for YEARS before we learned how bad he'd gotten from his wife. Not that we'd have been able to do much, but we could have helped his wife at least put the pressure on him to get help. You're bearing the burden of this all by yourself. Tell her family.
Posted 12/18/2007 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
Familyman, you will be as sick as your secrets. Stop holding this as telling your wife’s family what's going on is "telling on her". You are not telling to get her in trouble, you are telling out of compassion and care. This is her family; they will either help or deny what you see. If they deny...add that to the list of why you can't do this on your own, and if they want to help, ask them to step in like an intervention, keep their eyes and ears open during the visit, speak up to her when they hear or see something. Tell them the truth about her spending, lack of care regarding your daughter for her medication, the disrespect she gives you, the lack of following instructions for her medication, and her lack of responsibility to her illness.

You need to ask yourself what you have to loose by telling the truth. I think you will find, not much more than you are already, or would if you separate from her.

Best of luck. LFW
Posted 12/19/2007 6:05 PM (GMT 0)
Familyman, I hope you do talk more to others who are part of your wife's life.  You are carrying the burden of keeping her condition a secret all on your own.  Your wife sounds extemely manic and she needs more pressure to get new meds, or start taking her meds correctly...whatever the case.  Telling her family members would create more people to help talk her into getting more help.  Like you said...everything you say she turns around and calls mean.  She still needs to hear those things, but maybe from others, so you are not seen as a bad guy but someone who wants to help her.

Posted 12/20/2007 4:33 AM (GMT 0)
Familyman,   I agree with the others, it's time you talk with your wife's family and friends - it may do more good than you think.  Others besides you will start to see what she is doing and willile before things start getting better.  The friends and family absolutely need to know what's going on with her so they can be there to help her in the event you two should split up.  Even though she isn't recognizing it, she needs help and badly.  At this point, she isn't going to accept anything from you because she thinks you are her enemy and right now, no amount of talking is going to change her mind.   I also agree with LFW that you should see a lawyer ASAP - you need to think of your daughter's well-being and that should be your first priority.  You need to know that she is taken care of and being Bipolar myself, I know how hard it is to care for someone else when you can't even take care of yourself.  If it wasn't for my husband, my kids would have suffered greatly because of my inability to care for them in the recent months.   In my very honest opinion, you aren't going to lose a whole lot should you separate from your wife.  This may tell her that you cannot allow her to continue with her spending habits, or how she treats you or the fact that she isn't taking her meds.  This is serious and you know that it is.  Before you say anything to her or the family you really should see a lawyer first and get things in order regarding your daughter.  You have to prepare yourself for the fact that she could get it into her head to take off with your daughter.  You have to do everything possible to prevent this, including preventing her from picking her up from school/day care/sitter etc.  You can get this done legally, but do it quickly - especially if she has any idea that you two may be separating.   I know that if I were not taking my meds, spending money we don't have, not taking care of the kids, etc. my husband would not be as supportive as he is.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he would kick me out.  Even with my hospitalizations and problems he knows I'm trying to help myself to get better and that's why he sticks by me.  Your wife is not trying to help herself in any way at all and that is the basic difference.    Remember, you can vent any time here at HW - that's what this family is all about .  HW is a family and we are here to help each other however we can.    Hugs to you, Wen
Posted 12/20/2007 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
i am sorry to hear that things are still getting worse for you. I can say that even in my wifes/marriages current upheaval talking with family is important. not only does prayer help but discussing everyhing gives you more insight into the condition. I learned so much about my wifes adolescent "signs" and about family history (grandmother had the same). Its also important because what you can learn from them,,,might be a window for what to look for in your child. As far as what you should do,,,,do whats best for your daughter,,,and dont give up hope,,,
Posted 12/20/2007 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
Saw a lawyer today. They say that the best I should expect is a 50/50 custody with my wife. Although she has been a danger to herself and me, she has to do something that puts our daughter at harm before a court will even consider giving me full custody.

She called me and told me she wishes I was dead yesterday. All because she said that she was going to put the house on the market and I told her she needed to talk to me about it before she did it because my name was also on the house. she was screaming at me on the phone. Told me to leave her alone. I told her I was not worried about our relationship but that I just wanted her to get help. she said she was but she isn't. She is only taking one pill of Topomax and the bottle says she is supposed to take 3 a day. She told me she thinks that I am intentionally trying to drive her crazy. She told me she was not blaming me and then in the same breath, she kept telling me that I was the problem and I was pushing her away. I have been nothing but nice, but asking her if she was taking her medicine pushed her over the edge. I can't help her if she thinks she doesn't need help.

She also took her wedding rings off today. So, I took mine off as well. She has gone off the deep end. I have never seen her act this way. And she still thinks that her problems are everyone elses fault.
Posted 12/20/2007 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
That is not unusual for mania, family man. She is in deep denial and pretty ill. If you could go back a couple of months on the list and read some of the posts from Casem and ScaredWife, for instance, you would see they were struggling in relationships where their partners were in equally deep denial of how bad things had gotten and how their own actions contributed to the situation.

I'm sorry you are receiving the brunt of her anger. 50/50 custody is at least a start. And perhaps all this will inspire her in time to get real help and to take her health regimen seriously. She'll have to take responsibility sooner or later.
Posted 12/21/2007 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
Familyman,

Here are some of the posts that Serafena is talking about, I hope you find them helpful.


posts from Sacred_Wife

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=956591

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=933797

posts from Casem

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=940655

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=921091
Posted 12/26/2007 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
Family Man I really feel for you.  I am in a similar situation, where I do everything wrong according to my bp wife and and always held accountable for it.  But, if it is something she has done it's "oh lets just forget I said anything".  Or her remarks were justified.  I too went to an attorney but am not willing to loose everthing I worked for all my life.  Our kids are grown and on their own.  She did not get into full bp until our son was in high school and I was the defense system between him and her.  She as you are most likely aware would go off over nothing and say the most awful things.  But, depending on your daughters age you really need to defend her so that she grows up knowing she is not half as bad as her mother may be making her feel.  Make sure she knows that her mother is ill and really does not mean what she says.  She your wife and mine can somewhat control their temper and words but they have to be willing.  I thought I was alone with what my wife was doing and that it was only happening to me, until I found this web site.  It has helped so much in just a few short weeks.  Hang in their. yeah
Posted 12/27/2007 8:45 PM (GMT 0)
kwolfe25 and familyman,  forgive me if I am jumping to conclusions, but would it be acceptable to say that your spouses conditions have worsened over time?  Perhaps leading "normal" lives through teens, twenties, etc..

I sense a very subtle change in someone who is a leading candidate for bp.  MANY of the behaviors I have seen in a brief read of the board could be attributed to her.  I am trying not to jump to conclusions, and do not currently know a great deal about this condition..

Thank you.

Posted 12/27/2007 10:00 PM (GMT 0)
Uphillbill,

Bipolar is definitely known to worsen with time, especially so if it goes untreated. That is not at all a comment upon familyman's wife, whom I obviously don't know, but just based on what I've read, what my doctor has told me, and my own dang experience.
Posted 12/28/2007 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
My wife's condition has definetly worsened. She was not being treated for bp for years. When we got married she was being treated for depression. It was only recently that she was diagnosed with bp. I could handle the depression, no problem. this manic stuff is horrible. And because I didn 't realize it was bp when I problems first started, I took the blame that she was placing on me and accepted it. Then I got tired of it and ended up saying things that she says were permanently damaging. i think it is just and excuse on her part to not fight for anything. she has never been much of a fighter. Unfortunately I am and if I wasn't, I would not have several wonderful years with a wonderful woman and a beautiful daughter.
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