newly diagnosed need help please

I was diagnosed last summer while being hospitalised after a huge phychotic break down. Bi polar and post traumatic stress disorder.No sleep for four days, well maybe a couple hours filled with terrifying nightmares. It had been going on for two weeks at least. maybe more maybe less it is all a blur. The checking account was 500 something dollars in the negative. I sure as heck didn't even know it until hubby told me after I was well. my husband drives a semi for a living so he was not there while this happened. I was convinced somebody had drugged me..(this happened to me as a teenager, drugged then raped.) ...it was all I could think about for two weeks. I could not sit still and it was worse at night. I felt like my mind and body was in a frenzy. I hate that feeling. I hate taking the medicine. Don't get me wrong it works. I know it does. But I just want to be normal without it. I take it for a week or two and quit taking it. then the bottom falls out. In november i was convinced all our stuff had been exposed to black mold and we had to get rid of it. And I did. I guess that says it all right there. All our belongings gone. Forever. That was so stupid. I starting taking the medicine again for a little while after that. but I just cant commit myself to either not take it or take it. I want to just go through a day without worry and panic and feeling like i'm in a frenzy WITHOUT the medicine. Is that possible. Has someone done it with sucess? Or am I to accept that my brain is defected? Cause I aint buying it. No way No how. Is there a way to accept this manic feeling without being scared of it. Because that is truely what bothers me...the fear...paranoia. I could definately live without those two. I am supposed to take depakote er and seroquel. they work when I take them. And I am okay for a little while without them but them something happens (usually paranoia) and I take them again. Do any of you think that this whole "bi polar" thing is wrong. Cause like I said except for the paranoia I'm fine. I need some help with all this even though it has been 7 months it feels like yesterday. I just don't get it.

I am not scared of the meds. I want to be able to live my life without them. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Thank you, lfw for your response. You make a lot of sense. That is what I need right now, rational voice of reason.

hey relax, a BP does not need a lot of stress. I understand where u are coming from. it is a chemical imbalence in the brain unfortunately society likes to label people. it isn't so bad taking meds because i now with my meds i can live a normal life without them my life falls apart. i have the most serious form of bp. when i was in an episode i was making phone calls to people telling them satan was in my house. i thought i was on a mission from God. my bipolar broke up my home but we reconcided later. another thing people with untreated bipolar have a very rate of suicide. I had been having problems for several years but what set put me in severe manic episode was the sudden death of my mother. i also a diabetic and during my episode i didnt sleep for days and did not eat for 9 days I could have died. Ii will never go off my meds because the repurcussions are not worth it. may i suggest you read the book by patti duke.