Bipolar ex?

Hello,

I was recently engaged to a girl for about a year and have dated her for 1.5 years (I am 26, she is 25). She is a very nice, smart girl who has a MBA from a very well known school. Throughout our relationship, she has always acted very impulsively. She would change her mind about what job she wanted/where she wanted to live every couple of weeks. Shes had about 5 jobs in the last year. We had our share of minor fights, but nothing that couldn't be made up over a nice little talk. All in all, we got along very well and she had just recently booked the place for our wedding, got her dress and was making the arrangements.

Last summer, she began to see a counselor (PhD) because she was feeling depressed. She would talk about how life didn't have much meaning, would have random angry outbursts, and would frequently cry for no reason. The counselor put her on some mild antidepressants (which she was taken off of a few months later) and my ex seemed to stabilize for the most part. Additionally, she has always been the type of person who could sleep 12-15 hours a day if given the chance. One day of the week, she would have a decent amount of energy, and the next day she would be lethargic. She'd come home @7, and sleep from 8pm ->8am (She worked in an averagely hectic office type setting).

She has always been the type of person who is scared of guns, violence etc... Which is fine. However, a few months ago out of the blue she sat me down and told me how she needed direction in her life and decided that she wanted to stay with me, but she wanted to join the Marines (she had spoken to numerous recruiters etc...). Obviously, I did not know what to make of this because the marines are obviously NOT the type of place for someone who likes to sleep in, is scared of guns and all kinds of violence. After a few days, i talked her out of this. This obviously made little sense to me though.

Over the last couple of months, she has been facing and increased amount of external stress in her life which were beginning to affect her. We'd have 1-2 hour talks on a daily basis regarding them. Despite these stresses, I feel as though we'd drawn even closer together as a couple. Finally, a few weeks ago she began to talk about how she wanted to move to Oregon (We live in the Carolinas). She had passingly mentioned it from time to time in the past, but nothing really serious. She begged me to move with her, but I have a very good job here with no known prospects in Oregon and obviously packing up ones life and moving across the country in a week is not usually a good choice to make. To make a long story short, in about a week we had gone from living together, having a place reserved for our wedding, sharing the same medical coverage, cell phone plan etc... to her canceling all of that, getting her own health care in Oregon, applying for jobs there, and packing up her stuff to move out of the house. The night she left to stay with a friend before the trip, we both cried and she told me she knew there was something wrong with her. She said that she'd come find me once she got better. I could tell that she was scared, and she repeatedly told me how much she loved me and asked that I always promise to be there for her if she needed me.

That night she went to a friend's house, and she apparently had somewhat of a breakdown and made an emergency trip to see her counselor (PhD) (who I know additionally referred her to more of a medically oriented Dr.) and her counselor was "very concerned." She sent me a letter + left me a voice mail telling me how none of what she was going through had to do with us, how she decided not to move, and how much she loved me and how I could never know how much I meant to her. She has since told her friends that she loves me, but needs to get her life in order first. Her counselor felt it was "very important" that she remain on good terms with me.

In the last few weeks, I've spoken with her 2-3 times and she seems distant to me every time, treating me almost like a business acquittance. I've asked her to get together for a walk or something and she replies "I can't because of my feelings for you" or that she "needs to worry about getting her life in order first." I asked her if she still had feelings for me and she fairly angrily replied "I don't want to even get into that right now" and went on to describe how she first needed to find a new place to live in the area etc.... She acts fairly normal to her friends, but to me, she acts very cold.

Sorry for the long story, but does this sound like BP II at all? I know a few people in her family have it. Additionally, can anyone give me any insight as to what a BP person (If she has it) would be going through now and any recommendations for me? It has been a month now and I am still confused/heartbroken.

Thanks
-Brian

Thank you very much for the reply. I've always let her know that I'd be willing to help her through whatever she wanted and that I'd be there for her. I made the mistake of sending her a nice email last week letting her know how I felt. I just told her that she was a very good person and that I cared for her and just wanted her to get better. She called me back to thank me and initially sounded happy to speak with me, telling me about her day and what not. However, when I brought up the idea of getting together, that is when she pushed me away and I got on the needy side (Which I am sure only drove her away more). I've resolved that I will let her initiate the next form of contact (if we ever have one) and that I will be kind, but not at all needy. I just hope I didn't push her away too much already.

Thank you very much. It has only been a month, and I have been nothing but kind to her whenever I could be. She is living with her dad + frequently stays in touch with her grandparents, so I know she is safe/taken care of. She was big on facebook and would be on it for hours a day after we broke up (I could see her stats) and then last weekend, she deleted her account and does not log onto MSN messenger anymore, so I don't have much of a way to contact her. It has only been about 2 weeks since I last spoke with her (and 5 since the breakup), so I figure I will give her more time. I figure that is all I can do?

How much time do you feel is a good amount of time for me to give her so I don't seem like I am bugging her? I last spoke with her last mon.

Thanks for the reply. Her parents (dad especially) HATE me for really very trivial reasons, so I don't think calling them would be a good idea. I will probably leave her alone for a few more weeks, and then send her off an email just to see how things are going and keep it very friendly. I have a feeling though she is on meds and her father has already talked her into to disliking me/convincing her it could never work between the two of us.

I really have no clue how she is doing because of the such limited quantity and quality of contact I've had with her over the last month.

Moreso than being depressed or angry, she was really just very indecisive. She would make decisions without wanting to think things through. She'd go through a phase where she would skimp every penny, then the next day spend $400 on a new hair style. She was depressed for a bit last summer, but I don't think that was a major symptom lately. Moreso, it has been fatigue, inability to think rationally at times, and making rash decisions over a period of a few days without really thinking about the consequences.

Post Edited (Brian712) : 4/10/2008 12:41:52 PM (GMT-6)

Thank you for the welcome. Optimally, I would like to have the opportunity to be together with her and help her through whatever she is going through. Even during her worst periods, I always felt like I won the lottery with her. She is a good person who I care for deeply.

Realistically, I understand this cannot/should not come back again with the waving of a magic wand. I hope that her Drs help her out.

To take care of myself, I have been trying to focus on school (even though its hard because this was all so abrupt and confusing) I have been hitting the gym for 1-2 hours a day and hanging out with friends, and yes even flirting with a few girls who I thought were cute. This experience is something that is getting easier to handle with each passing day, but is always something that is in the back of my mind. Most of all, I miss her companionship. Friends are not able to come close to replacing what I lost in her, even just as a friend. I miss her, but all things considered, I think I am doing OK. I am moving on with my life and trying to assume that she will never be a part of it again. I figure that it is just easier this way.

We broke up ~ 5 weeks ago now, and have only spoken 2-3 times, and not in the last 2 weeks. Part of me thinks that her father used this as an opportunity to convince her that "I wasn't the one for her". Even if this isn't the case, if she had feelings for me, she would at least act somewhat friendly towards me and want to talk to me and/or see me. Mutual friends have already seen a change in her in comparison as to how she acted a few weeks ago. She is acting like a carbon copy of her father (who the therapist originally diagnosed as a big cause to her problems months ago).

The other half of me thinks that there is still some hope. It may take some time, but she will get her life back on track and realize she misses me and give me a call. This would all be backed up from the notes she sent me the day after we broke up, and from what she told me the night she left (about how she needed help). She has also told her friends how she loves me, but "just can't be in a relationship with me right now because of how she is." Additionally, we didn't have a fight and she gave no clues to her best girlfriends (who she spoke to on a daily basis) that she was thinking of breaking up with me b/c of a problem with me (and you'd think that a girl would at least talk about this stuff with her friends before doing something like that)

Sorry for the ramble, it feels good to get this all out. Not sure if my grieving + thinking about things so much is a sign I may have a problem too?

Thank you all

Thank you for the kind words. It is helpful for me to talk with others about what is going on. I think I am having the hardest time with the comprehension of how someone can one day look you in the eyes and tell you how much you mean to them/how much they love you, and then literally a few days later, with no altercation, just pull away and leave you behind and cut all connections and treat me like I am some kind of stranger. It obviously makes alot of our love seem fake/worthless. Seems like I was tricked or the person I was seeing died.

Is this somewhat typical of people who suffer from bipolar BPD?

Post Edited (Brian712) : 4/12/2008 7:48:18 AM (GMT-6)

I don't think so Brian ,i am having challenging time with bf due to his bp myself,it makes me depressed !

take care .
yana

Hi Brian,

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, what you are going through sounds familiar to me when my DH just disappeared. I managed to contact him periodically and he didn't come around for a while, but when he did, boy it was like the pendulum had swung back full force!

One of the things about being with a BP (though my husband has never been diagnosed) is that you will be brought into this world of highs and lows. It makes one very insecure. I have these fears now that my husband will just leave as he disappeared on his two young boys from previous ladies. Then maybe they severed ties because of how incorrigible he is and I'm just the love-sick fool that puts up with it.

It is an uncertain situation, and it sure is teaching me how to kind of "go with the flow" and trust that things will work out for the best when you put out your best self and are true to your heart.

Good Luck!
BPa

Thank you very much for the help. I am going to give myself another week or two, and then if I am not doing much better, I think I may see a counselor myself. Right now, my biggest problem is the confusion surrounding all of this, what is wrong, and what I should expect. Yes this did all come out of the blue (although I knew something was wrong with her months beforehand)


BPAffected, how long did your DH disappear for? And what do you mean that the pendulum swung back in full force?

I guess what I should really begin doing is to just try to put this all behind me and stop wondering what is wrong with her and if she will come back and just move forward with my life.

Thanks again all

Post Edited (Brian712) : 4/14/2008 6:50:24 AM (GMT-6)

Brian, the truth is, each day in your life that you stop yourself from moving forward is a day you never get back. What you should be asking yourself is what type of relationship do YOU want in your life, and then look back and recognize SHE did not fulfill that. SO, the reasons for her exit...REGARDLESS of what they are...don't and won't matter. It won't be HER opting out...it will NOW be you. The moment you decide that THIS....the way it is RIGHT NOW....is NOT the way you want to live YOUR life...and with her - be clear - even if she came back...one day you would be here again....THEN...YOU will be free. Her issues won't matter any more. I am not saying in your heart you can't wish her well and hope the best for her, but the moment you realize you don't want THIS situation back....you will let go and allow yourself to heal. Because the next step is just that...consciously allowing yourself to heal. You need to look at the reality and see that REGARDLESS of WHAT illness she has, or WHAT her problem is...this is not the way you want to live....feeling abandoned, left behind, rejected...etc....PERIOD. Walk away from it all. Go get therapy for you so you can heal that part of you that didn't allow yourself to acknowledge the signs you were seeing and made excuses for. Recognize YOU didn't protect you, and figure THAT out and you will open the door to all you dream of finding...and you'll be able to find it. You will open the door to drawing into your life a partner who will honor you, cherish you, give back to you - the way you give to them, etc. Does that make sense to you? LFW