what do i do? Counselor

I feel like I have tried everything I can, but I know I haven't.

<sup>I have a counselor through the state a program called the CMO decides weather or not I get to keep my her in place or not and so far she's staying in place but last year they'll pulled my old one out, it sucked because they pulled her out right when i had hurt my arm three times, then stopping my medicine my self, because i would get really bad urges on it... So some of you may know I've been really on edge lately if I'm not about to explode on others I'm thinking about hurting my self, it's not healthy and I need help. So I told my counselor how I've been feeling and that it's been getting worse... she agreed that it's best I see a doctor and start meds again, so I called a doctor that both her and the CMO recomended I go to and they said they can't get me in for eight weeks, i told them this is urgent, eight weeks will not do, i need something sooner, then the woman claimed they don't accept my insurance which was confusing because last year I was in the same building just with another doc. so the CMO is suppose to call and fix it my counselor said they would and that the lady was mistaken, but I have yet to hear from the CMO, and they won't return my phone calls.



As some of you also may know I am a junior in high school and on honor roll and I was working full time in retail... I got sick two weeks ago, depressed couldn't get out of bed, I had a sinus infection and I was just plain out crappy, I couldn't make it to work two days in a row because I wasn't feeling well and I also had a lot of school work that I find is more important, my education comes first, when I finally went back to work they fired me, I told them I could provide them with a doctors note they said no need they just weren't offering employment anymore.... great i thought I get to sit at home all the time now with the woman that makes me hate my self more then anyone else... with the women that protected me from my fathers abuse and then began her own, the women that I now refuse to be. oh joy. I'm having trouble sleeping at night now and during the day all I want to do is sleep.... my grades are slipping because I've got my mind every where else but where it should be now a days... and I just don't know what to do... I wanted to try and call a different doc. and make my own appoitment some where else but the CMO has convinced my mom that she shouldn't allow me to do that, and I can't get a doc. app. with out my mom's insurance card... so I don't know what to do... I want to get help, I don't want to hurt anymore... I hate being on edge, I hate being depressed, I most deffintly hate when I don't feel anything at all, but what I hate most is that I'm the one that caused all this in the first place... and as much as I want to blame my parents and every once else for why I am the way I am I know it's my fault, I let them get to me... I take what everybody says to heart... and I use to allow everyone and anyone to push me around and now I never let anyone close enough to even know me, the real me.




suggestions?</sup>


{I edited out details of self-harm per rule # 1 because self-harm details are highly triggering. -- serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 4/14/2008 8:50:46 AM (GMT-6)

spittin,

i agree with serafina.  none of this is your fault.  i hate that word.  "fault."  it's like a jagged line dividing people, like a fault lines divide the earth.  does it really matter who is at fault, or if anyone is at fault?  the fact is that you are in a cr*ppy situation and you need to find a way out of it with a better outcome.  i was in the backyard at a freind's house one and walked out the back gate.  i closed and locked it.  about a week later i heard that this "friend" was holding me at fault because a few days later their dog got out the gate.  does that make any sence?

spitin, you, of all people, are not at fault.  in some cultures, everything, good and bad, that a child does, is attributed to that child's parents.  maybe that culture isn't so far off because the greatest influence on a child is the same sex parent (according to Dr. Phil).  you and i are both the product of the good and evil that have befallen us.  the abuse and the hugs.  too bad that it takes about 20 hugs to make up for one abuse.  we'll never collect from the perpatraters, but we can collect from ourselves and each other through love, kindness, and honesty.

i wish you well and may the gods hold you in the hollow of their hand through this turbulance.

hope this helps a little.

warren

First I am also I cutter, but in a partial remission. (I go months at time, then fail) Don't feal bad about it. A long-acting benzo is something you might talk about helping with axiety that cutting releases. BuSpar will be too weak. I remember being so smat and losing it. I only spent two year in high school because of my schools use of incuding extra college classes. I do nothing now. i wish I got the cutting under control sooner.

See if there are any MDDA support groups in your area, they may have a meeting while you wait and can nelp offer a support system. Also there are groups just for teens in many areas, even through MDDA. Community women's health centers also often offer sliding scale (free for most teens) counseling. Just some thoughts/

quietpain

Bring me back home,

I'm so sorry to hear that your mother is so mean to you. That kind of talk is verbal abuse and no child should have to endure it. Of course you have to eat, of course you should eat with your family. But clearly your family isn't working as a family should and your mother is taking out her frustrations on you, which is terribly sad. I'm very sad for you.

That said, you really need to find another outlet for your anger and sorrow than self-harm. Having been a cutter once myself, I know just how alluring it can be, but it is really inappropriate to hurt your own body. You are all you have to depend on. You need your body, be nice to it. You mentioned you once wrote but that made you depressed. Doesn't hurting yourself make you depressed too? It's a vicious circle? There's a little high, but there's always the shameful crash too. So take that energy that you would use being destructive to yourself and be destructive to something else: draw red lines on paper, punch pillows, cut up magazines or pieces of paper. Do these things as furiously or as calmly as you need to to purge yourself of the need to self-harm, and once it's passed, you're safe. Some people put rubber bands around their wrists and snap them. You get a sting from the band, but it doesn't do any lasting harm. Some people have to get themselves out of the house in order to keep from harming themselves. They go for a walk or a drive. Call a friend. Get online, tell us all about it.

It takes practice to beat the urge. You said you'd gone for a while without doing it. Great. Now do it again. Go a little longer.

Remember you're not stuck living with your mom forever. Soon enough you get to move out and go to college if you want.

(((hugs)))

serafena