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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 6/9/2008 12:24 PM (GMT 0)
This friday, is my first doctors appointment in almost a year! Now that I'm eighteen I have to be re-evaluated, because "children are often misdiagnosed". I've been feeling really depressed lately... kinda empty... I can honestly say I haven't been getting my urges to hurt myself as much or as often which is great. It has also been alot easier for me to put a smile on and pretend everything is okay but my mom and I have been fighting more :/

Also I've been having nightmares lately... and there killing me because I've never told ANYONE AT ALL about this before but when I was 12 my best friend's [who is like my little sister stil to this day] grandpa molested me, he touch me and he made me watch him touch himself, I wasn't raped and I never had to touch him but it happened and I still remember that night, I was sleeping and I woke up to him touching me... I never told my friend or anyone else I ran home and hurt myself for the first time ever... The next day my friend saw the marks from where I hurt myself and asked me about it I told her I did it because of my mom, which was a part of it... I don't know I'm still friends with this girl and I see her grandpa everyday... I can't tell anyone what happened because it was so long ago noone would believe me and my mom likes their family she'd hate me if I runied anything... for most of the years I've been able to try and not remember but lately it just so hard I have nightmares about it and I don't know why? why now? he hasn't touched me since that night but sometimes when I go to her house he touches himself, usually not in the same room that I'm in but he does it and my friend knows he does, I tell her to look at him when he's doing it and she just yells at him to stop and thats it... but than a few days later he does it again...

I don't know what to do and I don't know if or how I should tell anyone...

I just can't wait to see the doctor and hopefully start medication again...

Posted 6/9/2008 1:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, bringmebackhome. I'm sorry to hear that you are having nightmares and an all around hard time. I notice that when I am really depressed a lot of my past comes back to haunt me too. Of course, that makes me feel worse and more depressed. Have you tried talking to a therapist? It would help you to talk to someone and get it out. I did therapy for a while and felt much better afterwards. My therapist helped me to come to terms with a lot of junk that happened to me. I hardly ever think of stuff anymore; if I do, I don't get upset about it now. Think about it. While your meds will help, you still need to get all of that out (sharing with us was a great thing you did). Maybe you should distance yourself from your friend's house for a while so you don't see her grandfather so much, at least until you are feeling better. He is just a constant reminder and that is not good for you right now. Have her come to your house or meet somewhere else.

Anyway, I'm glad you are here. Just remember that what happened wasn't your fault. Hope you get to feeling better soon. Always here to listen.

Missflip
Posted 6/9/2008 4:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bringmebackhome,

I hesitate to say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing, but it sounds like you need friends right now. Talking to someone who has been trained to deal with PTSD and abuse issues would be a good idea. I did some wilderness therapy work with teens years ago and what I learned from that is this:

You are not at fault. You did nothing wrong at all. You have no reason to feel guilt or fear. You were taken advantage of by someone you graced with your trust. You owe it to yourself to tell the truth about what has happened to you. You owe it to his next victim to tell the truth about what happened to you. You are worthy and deserve friends but anyone who would do something like that to you is not a friend. Nor is anyone who would protect him. Your healing is the only thing that matters and the best way to heal is to get it out. Find someone near you that you trust, a proffesional if nessesary, and get this out. You deserve better than you've gotten. you deserve wholeness and peace.

Thank you for your trust and faith in those here. I hope you find closure with this. And remember, this was not your doing, you don't have to say sorry.

Take care,
Charlie
Posted 6/9/2008 7:54 PM (GMT 0)
BMBH:

I'm so sorry to hear of yet another adult who has taken advantage of you and abused your trust. I like Missflip's advice that while you are so vulnerable right now you avoid going over to this friend's house and avoid her grandpa. It's only stirring up traumatic memories for you. If you decide to tell someone, tell your therapist or your doctor first. Don't tell your mom. I think your right that she won't believe you and it will just give her another excuse to belittle you. But getting it out there can really help, so feel free to tell your therapist or doctor. (((hugs)))

serafena
Posted 6/10/2008 12:20 PM (GMT 0)
I won't tell my family or friends... I want to to talk about it, try to make it go away... the nightmares, but I don't even know how I would go about telling someone... I mean what if my doc asks me why I never told anyone or why I felt the need to keep it a secret... I'm meeting this lady for the first time on friday should my first appointment really be about how I was molested by my friends grandfather....
Posted 6/10/2008 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
BMBH, that is what your doc is for. Your doctor is there for you no matter what, unbiased and there for whatever you need. You need to talk to her about this pronto!! The sooner the better, then you can start to heal and get on the path to feeling better. This situation is causing you to feel worse and she needs to know about it. It will help her in her plan of action for you. The first appt. is as good of a time as any, even better, for you to bring it up and get it out. Trust me, you will feel so much better after getting it out now! You can do this.
Let us know how it goes. Be strong and take control by telling your doctor right away. You'll be glad that you did.
We are here for you.

Missflip
Posted 6/10/2008 3:35 PM (GMT 0)

BMBH,

I agree with missflip. Since you are getting re-evaluated this is the PERFECT time to bring up this issue.

When they ask you how you are doing, you can start with something like.....well the issue that is giving me the hardest time right now is........

I think the doctor will know why you haven't told anyone this. Sadly, most people who are molested or abused have a very difficult time telling/trusting other people with their experience until years later. I am glad that you are finally trying to bring this out into the open and deal with it so you can start the healing process. This could be an excellent time to discuss your relationship with your mother as well and why you feel you cannot confide in her.

Oh, I also agree that you need to stay away from your friends house! It is not healthy for you and this man has serious problems of his own. And yes, something needs to be done about him. Who will he hurt next?

I wish you all the best!!!! I really hope you bring this up at your next appointment.

Sincerely,

Posted 6/10/2008 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
Go with the flow at your appointment, BMBH. But these are things which are important to your development, and which are on your mind now (consciously or subconsciously) and which can be aggravating your problems. Just be prepared to be honest and frank. Don't try to hide from your doctor. Remember, they've seen it all -- they've seen it much worse than you've got it -- they've heard it all. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. This is someone who's going to be your advocate, so tell them what they want to know.

serafena
Posted 6/11/2008 12:05 PM (GMT 0)
Eh, I'll try my hardest to talk about it with the doc but my social worker is insisting on sitting in on the first session... I don't know if I want her to know about it.... and I can't not go to my friends house she lives right next door and I have to go there every morning before school to pick up my friend... and most nights I have to go to her house to babysit her little sister...

But I'm really thankful that all of you were so kind and polite to me and able to give me advice... now if I can only push myself to take the advice... and put it into action...
Posted 6/11/2008 12:10 PM (GMT 0)
Can't you tell them that you cannot babysit their sister anymore or would prefer to babysit her at your house? Any what about having your friend come to your house to pick you up for school? There has to be a way around this. You have to think of yourself in a drastic situation such as this one.

Good luck at the appt. I still think that even if your social worker goes you need to tell the doctor anyway.

Missflip
Posted 6/11/2008 12:19 PM (GMT 0)
I guess I could tell them I can't babysit because I can't watch her at my house but... I don't to tell people no, if I don't have to... I fear letting people down or upseting people and I find it very hard to confront adults.... but I think I might just tell my friend and have her tell her parents I can't babysit anymore...
Posted 6/11/2008 5:22 PM (GMT 0)

BMBH,

I am in total agreement again with missflip. She gave you all very good suggestions that I think you should do given this serious situation. Of coarse if letting them know you do not want to babysit anymore is better for you, by all means do that.

I also agree with her about telling the doctor what is upsetting you the most right now whether or not the social worker is there. You need to put yourself first and start to be able to heal. Honey, you DESERVE it! :-)

I wish you nothing but strength and encouragement through all your dealings. (((BIG WARM HUGS)))

Posted 6/11/2008 7:10 PM (GMT 0)
I know that feeling of not liking to say no to anyone -- especially adults. Later, when you are an adult, you just don't like saying no to anyone who seems more pushy or "stronger" than you, somehow. I have it, a lot of people have it. And one of the things that causes it is having been abused as a child. You don't have to live like that. You (and I) can work hard to stand up for ourselves and do what's best for ourselves no matter what. Other people are going to do as they please NO MATTER WHAT you and I do, so we have to take care of ourselves first and LET THEM take care of themselves. I hope this makes sense. You are strong enough to get your way when you need to.

serafena
Posted 6/12/2008 2:13 AM (GMT 0)
hey BMBH,

I'm almost 40 and I still have a hard time confronting adults. I just try to remember what it is I want to say, take a deep breath and then jump in with both feet. 9 times out of 10 I'm relieved I got it out. You just gotta take that first step, the rest will follow. you can do this and you'll be so relieved you finally did.

Charlie

Malama pono
-do the right thing-
Posted 6/12/2008 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hey! Missflip again. You have to do what is best for you and no one else. Right now you are the one who should matter the most and not what other people will think of you. That is not important right now. You are what is important right now. Amazingly, most people do not get that upset when you tell them no you can't do something. I think we as bipolar tend to overexagerate situations. So tell them you can't babysit anymore and if they ask why, tell them something has come up you have to tend to for a while and don't have time to babysit. Ask you friend to walk next door to your house in the mornings. Tell her you need a few extra minutes in the mornings and that would help you out a lot.

Go For It Girl. You can do this. You can take care of yourself. Be strong and talk with you doc even with your soc. worker present. Just act like she isn't even in the room.

Good luck.

Missflip
Posted 6/13/2008 4:30 PM (GMT 0)

Hi BMBH,

I'm thinking of you today and I hope everything goes well for you today at your pdoc appointment.

(((Big Hugs)))

Posted 6/22/2008 1:25 PM (GMT 0)
Whoa, you need to see a therapist and take something for depression. My 8 year old is also bipolar and will be re-diagnosed during puberty. scary, she takes seroquel and it helps her sleep better. I was raped a long time ago and told no one. Tell your therapist. As my pdoc says --- pills cant fix everything.

take care of yourself add just ride out the wave. hang in there. I think we have all been there.

zebra
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