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Posted 6/25/2008 6:07 AM (GMT 0)
I'm lost and confused and I'm feeling quiet alone these days.  My fiance is bipolar.  When he chooses to take his medicine we never fight but he keeps going off of it.  Mainly due to the side effects.  His lack of desire for sex.  I'd rather not have sex than have the crazy irrational anger that happens when he's off it. But then to be honest that becomes extremely tough.  We were great together in the beginning and I probably start becoming resentful. I try to fight it but I'm human. 

So he keeps going off it.  I realize it immediately.  First his sexual desire and then his pure hatred anger towards everyone he loves.  Its directed towards me mostly but it also is directed at his children (luckily 18 and 19 and can semi understand).  Its ugly and hard.

His goal seems to make everyone near him angry and hurt.  I know this is a symptom but I keep getting sucked in.  Somedays I'm great with controling it and others I'm imberassed by my actions.  I'm getting better after the last two years and almost have it down.  but I'm not perfect either.  And I have my own explossive agruementative issues. 

I think I have myself pretty uncontrol and understand when the warning signs start.  I now know when he's gone off his meds.  He wont tell me but will acknowledge it if I ask him.

We have a huge issue in our life right now, and I tried talking to him very calmly and rationaly.  He blew up with the first word and then went insane.  There was no chance for a conversation.  I kept trying but luckily I realized I needed to walk away and let him breathe.

He is the love of my life and I'm just lost. I don't know what to do.  I cant keep him on his meds ( I think he goes off of them to please me...........due to the side effects)

I dont know what to say.  I'm scared, he's the love of my life, my partner but I need to be able to have normalcy.  I'm tired of not speaking because he needs silience, listening to the warning signs for him to scream at me, and for me to have a normal conversation that questions something that he suddenly turns into this crazy story in his eyes (with no legitamcy)when I'm simply quietly talking.  and trust me I've worked on not being that crazy girl; I've come a long ways also.

I just feel alone and need to know how y'all have delt with this.  I love him and do not want to give up; but I'm tired of feeling like the evil ***** that he tells me I am during these episodes.

When he's on his meds we dont fight this way and we can talk. But he seems to go off of them every 3-4 months.  And keeps all of his treatment and meds quiet.  He doesn't want to open up.

Thanks for listening

Post Edited (justme21) : 6/25/2008 12:14:14 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/25/2008 6:49 AM (GMT 0)

Ther is no easy fix to the problems we face daily with a bipolar loved one. My husband was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago and it has been a roller coaster ride for sure. I make sure my husband stays on his meds and does what his doc says. Not to say he dosen't still have some really bad days.I know not everyone can make someone to take meds but my hubby pretty much takes them on his own ,I just have to remind him. He truly wants to be as normal as possible.Do you go to the dr with him? Does he include you in His treatment? I understand his frustration about the side effects and sex. My husband really battles that one too. I would rather have my husband semi-level than sex. I wish you the best and I Hope you can get him to Understand that when he comes off his meds it not only effects him but those around him.Just know you are not alone. I feel alone alot of the time because I know my hubby will never be the way he was when we got married 21 years ago.

Hope this helps.

Pammy

Posted 6/25/2008 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
Justme21, You are definitely not alone, I am a spouse to a H I love very much. But like you shared....VERY hard to have any kind of REALLY normal life. The difficulty in talking...I get that, the being yelled at...I get that, the no sex...I get that...etc. AND my H IS on his meds regularly. But, Bama brought up some good points...are you included in his treatments, can you talk to his doctors freely, in the rational 3/4 months can you speak about all this? He has to know that going off is not an option, but discussing with the doctors a change of meds that will not affect his libido so heavily could be. It is hard with the men due to the "pride" and "ego" issues. All I can say is when the ugly part comes....don't stand for it, and put your foot down as to what you will or won't accept in his behavior. Bottom line is - no matter what stage of the condition they are - we do them no favors to just "take it" with no consequences. They are still fully accountable. By demanding that from him, it actually does help them learn lines to not cross. One of my best lines to my H is (said with strength...and not anger), "don't you dare speak to me like that, I haven't done anything that makes that acceptable - I am your wife, and I will not be treated like that". Then I walk away giving him time to cool off or change his tone. It usually helps. Good luck to you. Just know you ARE NOT alone. LFW
Posted 6/25/2008 4:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hello and Welcome Justme!

 

Your story is VERY common. And the response is as well.

You really need to speak with your husband when he is in a calm state and share with him that he is a very nasty person not only to you but to your children as well when he does NOT take his medications. Let him know the difference you see in him when he is on his medications.

 

As far as the side effects that he is experiencing he should be talking about that with his doctor. Maybe there are better meds out there for him to try to help with those areas. But gee...how selfish if that is the only reason why he stops taking his medications and why would you participate in it if he is treating you terribly during those times anyway? Just my opinion.

 

You set the tone. What you allow to be acceptable behavior from him is your business. Just because he is bi-polar doesn't mean that he can't hear and understand what you are expressing to him and just because he is bi-polar doesn't mean he is incapable of taking his medications. It is something that HE has to realize that HE NEEDS TO DO AND STAY COMMITTED TO!

 

I am bipolar and my husband told me when I would go through my tantrums that he wasn't going to live the rest of his life with me like that and that he didn't deserve that type of behavior from me. He was right! Nobody does! So I got serious with my issues and worked on them. Your husband needs to hear it as well and start working on them too.

 

Maybe he should get some therapy to learn techniques that he can start to apply when his actions start to get out of control. You can learn some techniques as well that can help him when he starts to get into one of his moods. (Most people who have bi-polar also integrate the aid of therapy as part of their wellness plan.)

 

#1. Let him know that he is getting upset and ask him to walk away and take a breather and try to refocus on something else that he enjoys doing.

 

#2  Remind him that you are not going to tolerate his anger directed at you.

 

Hope some of this helps.

Posted 6/25/2008 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Justme21,

Let me welcome you to our board and to HealingWell. You've gotten some fantastic responses already, so I won't repeat what they've already said. I'll just emphasize the point that some meds are less likely to affect libido than others and your husband should talk to his doc about this issue if he hasn't already.

serafena
Posted 6/25/2008 7:54 PM (GMT 0)
*sigh* Iunderstand the libido thing quiet well..On my medication there is a lack of, and it does cause problems for my spouse.....
Posted 6/26/2008 12:02 AM (GMT 0)
I cannot say thank you enough for your responses. I do feel all alone and for the fist time I don't. Its not something you can bring up to people without a taboo. You've given me some great advice that I need to absorb. Loving frustrated wife; that was the most powerful quote you gave me. I will have to borrow because there is a lot of truth in that one statement.

Again, thank you. I feel I have a place to turn. Its good to know there are kind people in the world that are willing to help strangers get through this.

I need to get more involved in his medical side. He likes to hide it and that is obviously not a solution. He was diagnosed 7 years ago and he just keeps letting himself go on this roller coaster.

Thank you soo much everyone
Posted 6/26/2008 4:05 PM (GMT 0)
I also want to say that you're not alone. I myself just joined this site yesterday and it has already been a huge relief. My husband was just diagnosed bipolar a few months ago and I really understand a lot of what you're saying. The anger, the sex, the blaming you. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I pray for peace for all of us in this situation.
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