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Finding it hard to forgive

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 9/19/2008 11:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I'm new to the board. My husband of 22 years was diagnosed 2 years ago with BP, ADHD and Explosive Anger Disorder. To sum up the longest he ever held a job was 6 years. All the other positions he left or was fired because of a manic espisode resulting in him verbally abusing supervisors or other staff. He even tried working for himself but had the same type of conflict with his clients.

He is on medicine now, which helps but he recently tried to work again and the same type of confrontation happen resulting in him being fired. During the time when he was first diagnosed he took alot of his anger and frustration out on me verbally. Our relationship became extemely strained. He has filed for disability benefits but we had to file for bankruptcy because of his lack of employment for over 2yrs.

I'm having a hard to controlling my feelings about our financial situation and about the way that he treated me before he was prescribed the proper medication. I guess I still love him but I don't think I'm in love with him. I've had to work overtime and even work a second job to make our house payment, this will have to continue even after the bankruptcy is final so we can keep the house. My feelings for him jump back and forth between hatered, pitty and love. I understand he is ill and it's not his fault but I am angry that he can't carry his responsibilty in this marriage. I often ignore him and treat him like I am mad most of the time. I know this isn't fair. Everytime I try to express my feeling to him he turns it around and tries to make me out to be the bad guy.

I guess I am just emotionally drained from the financial stress and the lack of emotional support. I feel alone. 

Any suggestions on how to deal would be alot of help. Thanks

Posted 9/20/2008 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi bonjovi511,

It's terrible what you've gone through. I'm sure you do feel alone. I'm sorry for that. You've given a lot and deserve better.

How to deal depends a lot on you. You could cope with him and find ways to enrich your life and cope with the financial situation. But there's a real big elephant in the room: Do you want to be married anymore? Do you want to deal with him anymore? It sounds, just from your description, like your marriage is in shreds. That's what you need to deal with first. Would you like to talk about that a little bit?

serafena
Posted 9/20/2008 1:15 AM (GMT 0)
serafena

Thanks for your response. Yes I would like to talk about it. I just feel like I've been cheated out of a spouse. Although he has accepted that he has problems and takes his meds on a regualar basis, I just feel like he can't give me the emotional support that I need. We have 2 kids (16 and 21). We have always weathered the hard times financially but it's really hard on me having to file for bankruptcy. I feel like I am cheating someone. I know the disability process is going to take at least 2 years which means I will need to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet. I'm just so confused right now. I still care for him and can't imagine leaving him, especially since he has no income and couldn't possible get treatment for his condition without my health insurance. But there are times when I really need some emotional support, someone to understand that this has been hard on me too. I feel like he is one of my kids that I need to take care of him. I find myself wanting to explore other relationships were the other person is an equal not a dependent,but the I start to feel guilty. Thanks for listening.
Posted 9/20/2008 1:32 AM (GMT 0)
Absolutely. I think that makes perfect sense. I really think you need a therapist of your own. I know money's tight but think of it as a medical expense. Your insurance will cover most of it. You need someone to talk to who can help you walk through all these incredibly difficult emotions and try to keep your head above water with this spouse who is probably more difficult than a child in some ways. It's hard to live with bp's anyway. But your husband is very severely ill, and your financial situation is making your life extremely stressful. You must find some way to take care of your own health as well. At this point it's almost more important than taking care of your husband because if you were to get sick, your family would be out of house and home.

I don't recommend seeing someone else because as you say, the guilt would topple you. Maybe once you are back on your feet yourself a bit, you can explore whether you're ready for a divorce. There are other options for his insurance, and maybe in the meantime you can look into them, government and state insurances, for example. There are programs available.

Take care and keep your chin up. I sympathize.
serafena
Posted 9/20/2008 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
I have been considering going to a therapist. Fortunatley I work for a major university that does have a staff assistance program so I'm sure that the expense can be handled. I guess I'm just looking for a place to vent. Thanks for you advise and for a place just to vent.
Posted 9/20/2008 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
bonjovi,

When I attended the university, I used to go to the counseling center on campus. They were a great help to me in my time of struggle. Plus, since you work for the university it is accessible to you and it is all confidential. Please let us know how things are going with that and other things.

Olivia :-)
Posted 9/21/2008 2:19 AM (GMT 0)
Hi bonjovi,

I'm new on this forum too. I've read your postings and you have helped me to see things thru my husband's eyes. I'm the bipolar one. I have been in therapy for more than 14 years. I take my meds the way I'm supposed to but sometimes it seems they are not enough. I know what I've put my husband through over the years. As I'm sure your husband knows what he's put you through also. I can't speak for him but I feel very guilty about the things my husband has had to put up with. He deserves better than this. He's a good, tolerant and understanding man. From reading your posts, I believe you're a good person also. Olivia is right, you really need to take care of you first. Don't feel guilty about wanting a better life for yourself. You deserve to be happy and if that means divorcing your husband, no one would blame you. I certainly wouldn't. As for your husband, speaking from experience, everything is about him. So he may be the one person that will blame you, but he would be wrong.

As for your finances, times are already hard for everyone thanks to this war. You, however, are carrying a heavier load on your shoulders than most of us. I'm not encouraging you to divorce him, that's a personal decision you have to make for yourself. But consider what's best for you. Everyone deserves happiness in their lives. I recommend that you stop feeling sorry for him. This disorder is not his fault but most of all, it's not your fault either. Is it possible for him to attend some of the counselling sessions with you? My husband has gone with me a few times. Counselling may help save your marriage or help you deal with a divorce. If you decide that's what you want.

I'm bipolar. I take my meds and see my therapist on a regular basis. I do that because I want to be happy. I don't like myself, so I get professional help. I do this for myself because I don't want anyone to pity me. I want to be as normal as I can possibly be despite this mental disorder. So I can love someone and someone can love me back the way I am. In doing all of this, it's the best I can do for my husband and our marriage. If, (may God forbid), my husband comes to me and tells me he wants a divorce, it will hurt because I love him so much. It could set me back many years but I'll understand. I won't blame him. He's in Iraq on his 2nd tour right now. He left this past January and he won't be home for Christmas either. I miss him so much, but I've managed with out him here. It's been really hard to take care of things around the house, the lawn, etc. You know, the things that most men take care of. I guess what I'm trying to say here is, I may be bipolar but as long as I take my meds, I'll survive without my husband if I have to. Not very well, but I can do it. You don't have to divorce your husband to help yourself. You can stay married to him, support him (emotionally) and release yourself from HIS burden. It's whatever you choose to do. He may not be able to work and help support his family. I get disability for this disorder. If you choose to stay with him, that is something you may have to come to terms with.

Well, that's my 2 cents worth. Remember, take care of yourself first. You deserve the best of everything. Are you gonna get it? That's up to you! Hugs, HeidiRose
Posted 9/21/2008 3:25 AM (GMT 0)
Hi HeidiRose,

I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you to HealingWell and to our bipolar forum. It's always nice to have new faces. It must be very hard having your husband gone. Kudos to you for managing a household without him. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

serafena
Posted 9/21/2008 2:13 PM (GMT 0)
HeidiRose-
Thank you for your response and for a view for the other side of things. I know that I need to let go of the anger, I know this isn't his fault and I know that this illness makes everything about him in his mind. It's just been a very hard 2 years, emotionally and financially.

You mentioned you got disability for your condition. Did the approval process take a long time? My husband just filed and the lawyer said it could take up to 3 years. Right now I have the oportunity to do extra work (at home) in the evening for my office (at a 1/3 of my regular pay) this is a temporary project that will hopefully continue at least another year. With this extra money I can just survive and manage to save a little each month, but on a very strict budget. If he gets disability I will be able to comfortable pay the bills and save with the combination of his benefits and my regular pay. My fear is that the disability decision will be prolonged and that my extra work will end leaving me with a negative budget.

Again thank you for your response and I prayers are with you and your husband.
Posted 9/22/2008 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
First of all, I would like to apologize for jumping protocol. Replying to a thread before introducing myself to the forum. I will start another thread to introduce myself. Sorry Serafena & Olivia!

Bonjovi511,
Actually, my application for disability was approved on my first request. However, I'm sure you're aware that every case is unique and looked at individually. I recommend to you that your husband contact each employer and ask for a statement from them concerning his behavior on the job. Some may be kind enough to do that. Your husband will need a pyschiatrist & therapist who are willing to help push for the approval. A family physician is not sufficient but can also help. Your husband will be required to write a statement as well. That statement must have a huge impact on the case. They may accept a statement from you as well and I can already tell you that you will have an excellent impact on the decision process. His employment record will actually speak for itself. Your husband has been fired from jobs, so that fact will help in getting approval.

I had a lot of support to help me get my disability. The facts did not even have to be embellished. I had a breakdown on the job and was hospitalized because of it. I didn't have a lawyer to help me apply. I called several but each of them told me they wouldn't take the case until it had been denied at least once and you have a short window of appeal. Then get a lawyer to help with the appeal process. If you don't appeal within that window, you will have to apply from scratch again.

I hope this helps your husband get his disability. It will certainly ease your burden as well. Good luck!
Posted 9/22/2008 8:09 PM (GMT 0)
It's no big deal, HeidiRose. :-)
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