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New here - Wife of BP Husband ~ needs a bit of comfort

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Posted 10/1/2008 7:52 AM (GMT 0)
hello all....new here hoping to gain a sense of "normal" somehow...maybe get a few pointers...who knows...(hoping I'm in the correct "room")

Hubby has been BP for all of his teen life and his now adult life...he's on meds but still have major depression issues at least once a month that drive me insane and make me second guess our short marriage. We met and got married quickly so there was no time to really go into a deep understanding of BP until after we were married and only then did I do my research....thinking OMG what have I done to myself and my child ~ got married with an almost 3 year old in tow and then to the surprise of us both got prego two months after we were married....so two in a half years of marriage, a 5 year old and an almost two year old.....bipolar hubby and the rollarcoaster of a life....

~ I've tried to find groups ~ help....someone to talk to to hear they are struggling just like me ... trying to love someone who doesn't love or like the world or anything in it at different points of the day/month/week.....not even our insurance has another to offer me...just told me to look on line for a group or something.....it gets better then worse then okay then....well you all know the "drill"

None of my friends understand .... they can't help me and my family doesn't understand BP at all....so they are no help....his family well they don't understand and I can't talk with them about him anyways....that would just be wrong on a whole new level.....I want to be a good wife and help or something...

This is all just so much and so painful....I have to walk on egg shells for weeks or days at a time...make sure the girls are happy and not loud plan trips around him that don't have him in the same car or else he gets annoyed......he hates people but says he loves us....I don't understand....

Sometimes I want to run away with my girls and just start over .... again......

This is long but it's late it's been a long day with trying to please someone who doesn't want to be pleased .... I've rearranged my whole day tomorrow to suite him its going to screw me over and the kids but at least he'll be happy at get his way....just the way he likes it.....and I'm left to stress about naps, school and meals.....

are any other wife's struggling like me??? What do you do???
Posted 10/1/2008 8:11 AM (GMT 0)
hello iostandalone80
im jrb i understand times are hard for the spouses but hey we can at least express here a little bit. sounds like hes cycling pretty hard just remember when hes going off to be calm thats the best advice i can give you because i dont knoow i just know about the time you thank you got it figuered out BLAM! JUST REMEMBER DONT HIDE NOTHING FROM THE FAMILY THE MORE ITS IN THE open THE BETTER IT IS.for me the more people that know about my wife the better she seems to be. ive been married to my wife for 12 yrs shes 36 and was dignosed at 15 we beeen together 12 yrs and 3 kids i think it does get easier. somtimes i get mad because her sickness has robbed us of the marriage i always wanted seems like the big man upstairs put a heavy load on the spouses. wished i new why but just educate yourself and find someone to talk too that can be rash.
Posted 10/1/2008 2:11 PM (GMT 0)
thank you for responding....and knowing that someone has been married for 12 years gives me hope. I can already understand that thinking I know it then BAM....it's happened.....I just HATE this low part....he's such a great person on the other side that other him.....I'm all about helping people and "keeping the love" but Ican't help him ~ think that makes it harder on me...like I'm a failure or something??? Who knows...I do my best to make sure I don't get into "his state" and keep my own personality a live.....

jrb...how do you make sure to stay true to yourself....I've heard that the neg behaviors can rub off on the none-BP spouse....I'm vowing to myself for the sake of sanity and my children to not let that happen....

Thank you again.....even this reply makes me feel better knowing and reading that others are/have been struggling
Posted 10/1/2008 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
lostandalone80,

Hello and welcome to HealingWell and to our board.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. You join a community of bipolar people and their spouses alike. There are plenty of folks here going through just the same thing you are struggling with.

A few questions about your husband which are crucial to his stability and your peace of mind: is he seeing a psychiatrist? Is he on any medication? Does he take that medication as prescribed? Does he have a therapist?

More importantly, Do you have a therapist? I stress this because you are in desperate need of support. We can certainly do some of that but you could really use some professional back up and advice. You deserve some stress relief and anxiety relief of your own.

It is not fair that you should have to rearrange your whole life around one person's moods and it doesn't have to be that way. Insist that he get the proper help, take your own emotional life back by getting some professional help of your own. Be strong. It's the best thing for your kids, too.

Thanks for joining. Keep writing, this is a great place to vent.

serafena
Posted 10/1/2008 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
Lostandalone80, I hear you my dear, I hear you. Married 16+ years to a BP, we have 3 kids, one of which is BP/ADHD & another who is possibly ADHD. It has not been easy. So, since I only have a few moments, I have a suggestion for you, go back and read some of my old posts when I first got here (my first one will sound WAY familiar to you). It is not only to hear what I shared, but more importantly, what a lot of great people on this site shared with me when I first got here. Their openness and honesty was HUGE, and helped me SO much – I think it could you too. Don't add to any of the strings as they are old, but much of the content could be very helpful to you. Also, the suggestion for personal therapy for you is a good one. We spouses need support and a place to vent at times too. Lastly, if insurance is an issue, seek a counseling center with a sliding scale; sometimes they are effective in finding assistance for you. Good luck and welcome aboard. LFW
Posted 10/1/2008 4:44 PM (GMT 0)

Hello thank you again for the replys they are so helpful and I guess you could say "I'm so hungry for people to shed a bit of light..." thank you again

To answer a few questions ~

My husband is on meds...I don't remember which ones in 2007 he was switched from one BP med to another just becaues he felt the first wasn't working. He takes two different meds one to help him while hes working to keep his mood calm (he takes this every day) and then the BP is twice a day. I think it starts with an L

He has a pycho who he sees once every three months for about 15min MAX gets the meds and leaves...he feels he doesn't need any other help and doesn't feel that others need to hear bout his life or how he struggles...depression....ect....His friends know that he is BP but with the lack of understanding and the "not needing to do their research I'm left in the "dark" with them. He's also expressed that he doesn't like talking to others about problems because he thinks everyone is stupid and he's smart....HA

I have told him that I'd like to go see a counsler with him but he says he will not talk with anyone because our relationship is fine for him. I do want to go see someone it's just a matter of having the time to go....with the two girls and then my jobs I have such a busy life just getting away from the family is very hard.....plus I feel that if I leave them (the kids) with him while I go to see a counsler he'll get annoyed about it and take it out on them...not in an anger way but just be "lazy" laying on the couch while the 5 year old watches the baby...something that's happened all to much.

My husbands mother was BP and actually passed on (her own terms...not sure if I can talk about that so I'll stop there) when he was a teenager. He is fine with it though...has forgiven her neglect and moved on....his dad has since remarried to a good women whom he calls mom and has been a great supporter...in terms of "trying" to understand what he's going through...but never really knowing. His dad is the same way and has his own issues...although they are both great....every parent has their downfalls.

I want so much to find a support group for just BP but I haven't found any in my area...all are about 3 hours away from me.....a counsler would be great I just need to find the time.....which I will need to do SOON of course to keep my sanity!!

For now I'll read the storys here and gain hope, knowledge and a sense of comfort knowing that others have/are going through this to....

Thank you again.....and yes I agree is moods shouldnt keep us away....but I feel that my kids would be safer and having a better day without having to deal with his mood.....people say I'm to nice to allow this for him...but it's not for him its for the children....I don't care if he has to deal with them..I care about them.

Posted 10/2/2008 11:24 AM (GMT 0)
If there are any universities in your area, check in with them...they may have a psychology program that has a clinic offering free services by grad students looking to get their "hours" in prior to certification. You may have already checked with NAMI...but NAMI.org is another GREAT resource. They offer free support groups for people caring for a loved one suffering from a mental illness.

I've been to hell and back with my fiance. We are on a stable path, now, but it required therapy (individual and couples when needed), routine, support from family, commitment (from both of us) and the right medication. It doesn't happen overnight, but it is possible.
Posted 10/3/2008 7:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, lostandalone80,

Your post sounds all to familiar. I have been married to my husband fo 21 years and he was diagnosed 2 yrs, ago with BP. It is definitly a lonely road for all of us. I know how you feel, walking on egg shells. I don't even keep the grandchildren anymore cause I never know what hubbies mood will be. Most of the time he dosen't get out of the house so I work and will be looking for a second job,next week. I hope you keep posting here. sometimes I don't get on here as often as I would like,my dad has cancer and e almost lost him last week. So I do understand when the statement is made.I have a lot on my plate.

Take care and know , there are a lots of good people on here who can at least cheer you a bit and you know you are not the only one going through this.

Pammy, in bama

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