Spouse has BP, I need support

I have been married for 10 years and my husband has been diagnosed with BP for one year. I read some of the firsts posts and cannot beleive the similarities between our lives of being spouses to BP. Right now I am having the most trouble and really need to be able to connect with people in the same situation.

He was diagnosed with BP after having an affair with my friend that sent him into a depression with suicidal thoughts that ended in a hospital stay. At that time he wanted a divorce and had left me. Yesterday was our one year anniversary being back together. For me it was a big deal. I bought him a ring, that I wear. He didn't say thank you, he didn't acknoledge the importance of the day. I'm frustrated right now becuase he's in a pretty severe depression which means it's really hard to discuss my issues. We're seeing a marriage counselor, he finally agreed to go to a counselor that specializes in BP, and his meds are being re-adjusted. I asked him the other night why he loved me and his responses was "i don't know". I realized later that this wasn't fair because he is depressed and unable to connect with his feelings. I'm having trouble with feeling unloved. He won't touch me because it physically pains him but I am desparate for physical, non-sexual, contact. I'm also having trouble with the fact that he makes friends with women more easily for men. His friend right now is a single woman from work. To me their relationship looks just like the one he had with my friend, that he had an affair with. He feels like he's unable to have any friendships because of how they make me feel. He has very little understanding or respect for my feelings of insecurity after his affair.
When it comes right down to it, if we didn't have two kids (1yr and 7 yrs.) I would not stay with him. I love him when it's him but I have not figured out how to live with him when it's the BP.

Hi AlwaysLearning,

Welcome to HealingWell and to our board. As kirstenhere said, you're in good company here -- there are a number of spouses here trying to figure out the very same struggles you are. They're very hard decisions you're facing, and you are absolutely right you need support. You've come here for support and we can do our best. But I believe that you also need more professional counseling of your own away from your husband, to try and deal with the emotional struggle of being married to a bp spouse. It's not easy under the best of circumstances, and you haven't got those by a long shot.

serafena

I found out about the affair on Sept. 9th of 2007. He had gone to the store and the sound of his voice really concerned me. I had a feeling that he had gone to kill himself. When he wouldn't answer his phone I felt even more sure. He finally showed back up at home and I asked what was going on. The affair had been for 3 (maybe 6 I honestly can't remember) weeks. We had been spending a lot of time with this friend. He and her texted on their cell phones and MySpace. I told him to be careful because it's easy for that kind of stuff to get out of hand. He promised that they talked about our kids and hers and that they didn't say anything inappropriate. We had a discussion that I thought it was inappropriate for him to hang out at her house alone while i was in a night class (and drinking). He got very angry because I was trying to take his friend away and that I know it's hard for him to make friends and he can't help it that he makes friends with women more easily. I apologized to hime and I even told her of my concern and apologized to her (she said that she would never do something like that). I tried hard, despits all my intuition, to ignore and respect their friendship. I am over the main part of being hurt by the affair. I am now struggling with the aftermath of feelings that come with it. One thing that has come up is that he now has a single female friend at work. To me, on the outside, it looks exactly like the one he had with my friend. He swears that it's different because he isn't attracted to her. He has, for the most part, refused to change his friendship with her. She buys him small gifts whenever she goes to this Japanese store she likes, she made him T-shirt and something else that I cannot remember right now.

we are at the hardest point right now and I really am not sure what will be happening. I was able to forgive the one affair but never another. I am willing to work on my feelings and issues but I have to have support from him. If he, when he's healthy, can't give me that support I don't think I could stay in our marriage and stay mentally/emotionally healthy.

I'm sorry this is so disjointed. I didn't sleep because of these issues, I'm at work and having physical reactions (stomache ache and trouble breathing) to everythign that we're going through.

Hi Alwayslearning,

I've had similar physical reactions as you this time round (stomach ache, breathing and scarily chest pains). Have seen DR and after some tests have been reassured I am physically well but am having a reaction to extreme stress. I realise now that I can't keep pouring out support to my wife and expect to stay mentally well myself in the extreme circumstances we find ourselves in. If you haven't seen your Dr, please please make an appointment and get some help for yourself.

As for me my wife is BP and has told me she is wants an affair with a friend, I don't think she has actually done so but I don't know how I will react if she does. She also wants a divorce and is sleeping downstairs on sofa.

I am trying to cope by taking time off work and seeing my church minister for counselling. My minister has helped other people in these circumstances and has an aunt with BP / Schizophrenia so he understands quite well. My minsiter dosen't charge me anything either! I also have hobbies that I pursue even when things are really bad, such as playing guitar (which is also really bad lol), country walks in the beautiful countryside where we live and reading a good book. At the moment I trying to put all the rubbish feelings aside and go for a walk in the woods as the suns shining and the airs nice and brisk.