HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Money, money money....

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 11/11/2008 10:18 AM (GMT 0)

Hi,

Can anyone help me with this problem.......

I am trying to decide what to do about our joint bank account. This month we just scraped through without breaching the overdraft limit. If its breached the account will be closed and we will have no money for bills / groceries. My wife is just coming off a manic high and considering divorce, but is still spending large sums of money, came back with a new coat yesterday, one of three bought in the last two months. Its not big items just lots of small items, clothes, CD's, ipod, CD radio's (3), stereo and so on.

I don't want to close the account as it will leave my wife reliant on only her own account which I know is almost empty for the same reasons the joint account is. On the other hand if things continue as they are the account will get closed anyway. I'm also not relishing explaining to the bank why I want to close the account and set up a new one.

I've discussed this with my wife who denies its her spending saying she only spends on her own account for extras. The bank statements tell a different story with several hundred pounds being transferred out of the joint account into my wifes account.

I am at the very last point now where I can avert the overdraft being breached. Another couple of weeks of spending and it will be too late, help.... 

Posted 11/11/2008 2:31 PM (GMT 0)
I am the one with bp in our family and can tell you that for me I can justify spending money on any and everything when I'm in a mania state. This has caused my husband and I to file bankruptcy several years ago and still we are in great debt. While I can't tell you what to do I do know that in my case the spending will not stop and it takes my husband's active roll in the finances to keep us afloat. Things are getting better but if it weren't for my husband this wouldn't be possible. Someone has to be the strong one and take a firm hand with the situation. The one that isn't bp has to be the strong one and has to take a stand in our marriage so that we don't completely end up in the poor house. I still get to go shopping, I still have pretty things to wear but we would be further ahead in life if it weren't for my spending sprees! Someone has to be strong and have the control over the money issue and it sounds like in your family that someone is you. I don't think your bank has to know all of your personal reasons as to why you restructuring your accounts but it does sound like a wise move on your part. I don't know if any of this helps; just telling you what it's like at our house. Best of luck to you!!!
Posted 11/11/2008 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
bpsoshare,

You have a hard decision to make, but it seems like a necessary one. Manias cause spending sprees for many bipolars, it's true. Tell her what you're doing. Tell her why. She's going to be mad, but give her an allowance and keep yourself from ending up in serious trouble. Especially if she's talking divorce -- don't let her ruin your credit as well as her own.

serafena
Posted 11/12/2008 12:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi yankeepeaches / serafena,

Thanks for replies. I find it really hard to deal with these sort of issues.

I went to the bank today and set-up a new account. All credits / debits are being redirected from the joint account into this account. I am going to ask my wife to stop using the joint account once the new account is set-up (three days) and use only her personal account from now on. I'll pay some money into her account this month to cover her until she gets paid, after that she has enough per month for her own expenses (more than me) and I'll manage all the household finances.

If my wife will not give up access to the joint account I'll have to explain the situation to the bank and see if they can freeze the account or close it as I can't remove my wife from the account without her permission. yankeepeaches you were right that I didn't have to explain anything to the bank regarding my personal situation, they were quite happy to set up a new account without asking too many questions.

bpsoshare
Posted 11/12/2008 4:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hello bpsoshare,

Hope things will work out for you and your wife and your finances; there is no easy path for people with bp or their spouses. Best wishes to both of you!!
Posted 11/13/2008 12:25 AM (GMT 0)

Hi bpsoshare...I am the bp sufferer in this household and spending money was one of my main vices during my mainia...and later even in my depression as a way of trying to make myself feel better.  When you are bipolar and spending, many of times, and in my case, it is seen as a lifeline to the bp person.  I seriously spent to try to feel better....the same way an addict turns to their drug of choice.

A year ago my name was taken off of almost everything.  My name is still on the house and vehicles and I do have my own savings account now  (just got it 2 months ago!!)  But as far as a joint bank account...that just doesnt exist.  You need to take drastic measures to protect your finances, as if your wife is like me...I could justify every penny I spent.  But soon it turned out of control where I was hiding bills and applying for new creditcards...even in my husband's name.And even taking money out of my children's savings accounts.

Over the past 5 years I bet I have done 100,000 of damage.  And like you said...no big items.  But it adds up quickly.

My husband handles the finances now....something I am sure he abhorrs but it is a necessity.  We also have a general neighborhood mailbox at the end of our block that you need to have a key to access.  He got the lock changed and I do not have a key.    I no longer have the feelings associated with the spending...but we have 3 daughters and the risk is too much when considering we have 3 college educations and 3 possible weddings to pay for!  At first it was very hard being taken off of the accounts.  My name is not even on my daughters savings accounts which I set up for them.  But I know now that it was the right thing.  Because my problem was bigger than me.

Now occassionally my husband will let me have the check card to do the grocery shopping, he makes sure I always have some money on me so I can still feel like an adult and not a teenager on restriction.  And for exame I will help him pay the bills sometimes by actually writing out the checks for him to sign and get in the mail.  Trust me it isn't easy but you must protect yourself in all of this too.

Posted 11/13/2008 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi mommy.michele and yankeepeaches,

You both understand very well the problems with finances. I hate switching accounts as its upsetting to my wife but I have done it and am arranging a weekly allowance with my wife for her expenses. I'll take care of all household bills. I am hoping my wife will not continue spending on her own account but if she does I know the overdraft limit is quite low so it can't get too out of hand. I am a very easygoing person and until now I wouldn't dream of asking my wife to curtail her expenses so I'm hoping the shock of me rearranging our accounts will make her think a little more about the consequences.

What I don't understand is how you both can see the problem so clearly and yet my wife can't?
Posted 11/13/2008 3:01 PM (GMT 0)
Dear bpsoshare,

I see clearly because it cost me my first marriage...I was bouncing checks and opening accounts in my first husbands name, then hiding the bills (he found them hence the divorce. plus I wasn't diagnosed as bp back then either and my first husband was not an understanding man). I spent the worst in my first marriage; it slowed some in my second but because I'm married to such a wonderful man our marriage continues right along with my condition. For me I have to hit rock bottom before I can have my eyes opened; maybe your wife's condition is more severe than mine--I don't know. I'm in no way saying you should leave her or that she should leave you. You sound like a very easy going and very compassionate person and that's great but being firm is also key in saving your credit and good name with banks and creditors. You have to protect your interests as well. The shock of rearranging your accrounts may not slow your wife's spending and you do have to prepare yourself just in case. I hope that I'm not being a downer and I wish you well...
Posted 11/13/2008 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
I think it's important to remember that someone in a manic state is not thinking clearly, too. When we're "balanced" things seem much more rational -- she probably would see that she should limit her spending, etc. But if she's manic, she's not going to even see she's over spending, let alone that you need to take measures to protect the family finances. I know I overspend, but I also know that when I'm feeling the mood come on, I really can't help it. I have to fight like heck with myself to resist. Sometimes I lose the fight. :) You're not dealing with a fully "rational" woman, you're also dealing with a manifestation of the disorder that doesn't allow her to see straight.

serafena
Posted 11/13/2008 4:30 PM (GMT 0)
Serafena,

You are so right in what you say; everything I've said is in retrospect! Whenever I've been in a manic state or a very depressed state there is no clear view of my spending or behavior. Whenever I'm at a level of clearer thinking I see the damage I've done but during an episode the picture is never clear for me. Thanks for adding what I don't think I expressed very clear in my former post...
Posted 11/14/2008 10:08 AM (GMT 0)
bpsoshare

Yes you are right my wife doesn't have full insight at present. This persists to a certain extent even when she is stable.

I've given my wife two weeks money and some extra to pay off the small overdraft on her personal account. The set-up of a new account to replace the joint account is complete just waiting for card / cheque book to be sent. My wife has agreed not to draw any money from the joint account from now on. I can't actually get the joint account closed without my wifes agreement, something I don't want to push at the moment, am going to check the account later this morning to make sure she is definitely not using it. If she does still use it then I'll have to get my wifes agreement on closure or go to the bank and explain further. The bank may close the account if I say we are in financial difficulty but I risk them asking for all the debt to be paid back immediately so am trying not to have to do that just yet. I'm hoping this will be enough and I can eventually get the overdraft limit down on the joint account to a level where not much money can be spent without the bank stopping the account.

All of this assumes my wife will be more careful what she spends now she's coming off the manic phase and we've agreed to stop using the joint account. Will see what happens.

Thanks for listening, sharing this with you all gives me added determination to get things sorted.
Posted 11/14/2008 4:38 PM (GMT 0)
Do you have to leave much money in the joint account?
Posted 11/14/2008 6:17 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Serafena,

We don't actually have any real money in the account as its so overdrawn. Any money spent is added to our overdraft and has to be within the overdraft limit. I've just got paid so there is now £2500 available before the overdraft limit is breached. But we have to live for another month so most of that will go on household bills and groceries for a family of five. I can't transfer the balance to the new account as yet becuase the bank will not give me another overdraft of that size, I will have to transfer some and pay off the rest on a monthly basis.

I'm checking the account daily so unless my wife buys something very expensive I'll know if she is breaking our agreement before its too late. She hasn't used the account for two days.

I know if my wife really wanted to go and spend she could get through several hundred before I noticed, but then she could take out credit cards aswell and I woudn't know for several weeks. For now I'm going to have to trust her and hope I'm not let down. At the same time I'm transferrng the last of my savings to my new account and will use this as an emergency backup.

bpsoshare

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply