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Spouse looking for some support

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 11/14/2008 3:11 AM (GMT 0)
I am the spouse of a bp, we've been married 9 years, and it just seems to be getting worse. I'm being laid off and I'm having trouble finding a job. In the midst of interviews and financial stress, my wife sinks into a depression. And though we have not talked in a couple days, I'm sure it's my fault somehow. She has not been to work in 3 weeks (panic attacks), and our finances are at the breaking point. I'm feeling overstressed and feeling like I'm ready to fall apart myself. I've read several of the threads here and realize that while it's bad, it can get worse. There are many days when I feel so alone, our friends are gone, my parents have passed and she is distant from her family. I can't tell you how much it means to me to find this forum. I know that things are worse for her, but I'm beginning to crack.

She is seeing a therapist and is taking 200mg of lamictal(sp?)

I'm planning on getting some of the books recommended on these forums, but I'm hoping to find some immediate support. I don't know what to do when she closes herself in the bedroom for 2 days. Should I leave her alone? Should I try and get her to talk about it? I feel like no matter what I do, it's the wrong thing.

I want to help and support her through these episodes, but I just don't know how. Should I talk to her therapist?
Posted 11/14/2008 11:50 AM (GMT 0)
Dear BP I'm so sorry to hear you have been laid off.  Gods speed in getting you new employment. 

    Bbsoshare is right on the mark.  You have to take care of yourself and dealing with your stress. All the best

J

Post Edited (Juliaa) : 11/14/2008 5:17:04 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/14/2008 11:58 AM (GMT 0)
Hi bpspouse,

Really sorry you are having such a bad time. Your aren't alone though, this forum proves that. But something I can tell you with complete certainty, you have done nothing that will have caused your wife to develop bp or get depressed to such a level she needs to lock herself away in the bedroom. The bp is an illness like any other, if your wife gets cancer you will not blame yourself for it, bp is no different it just seems that way becuase it affects the way she behaves and strains relationships.

My wife has bp but the mania is the biggest problem rather than depression. That said, I would go make her something to eat, nothing grand though, and try to get her to chat, then just listen. If she talks about how she feels thats great, maybe then you could ask her what help she is getting from her therapist. Maybe ask if she wants you to call the therapist for advice now she is so low. My wife hates me calling her mental health team as she see's it as me interfering so have to be careful.

As for yourself it sounds like you need help straightaway to cope with the stress you are under with being laid off and caring for your wife. Call the Dr and arrange an appointment. He may be able to help you directly and get some help for your partner aswell.

Good luck,


bpsoshare
Posted 11/14/2008 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for the support. The feeling of being alone in this is the worst part, but I feel that if a group of internet strangers are willing to reach out, maybe I'm not alone as I feel.

There's just this feeling of hopelessness, like I should get use to being miserable, because that's what the rest of my life is going to be like. With every episode I think "I just need to get through this one", trying to focus in the present.

She came down and we watched TV together last night, when I asked her what was wrong I got a curt "nothing". I tried making her something to eat, but it wasn't what she wanted. That's all the energy I had, feeling that if I pushed it there would be anger and then later regret. I'm a fixer, so it's a real challenge for me not to feel guilty, and that I'm not doing enough to help her.

I'm going to call my therapist today, I stopped going do to money issues, but I need some help.

I don't think I'll call her therapist without her permission, thank you for helping me get clear on that. I think the worst thing would be, is for her to feel like we're conspiring behind her back (and there's some paranoia with her depression).

Thanks again for simply listening. I realize that my problems are not as dire as some of those on this forum, but at times, they sure seem like the end of the world to me. Realizing that I'm not the only one, finding this forum, has made me feel like there is hope for us. I hope I can do the same for someone else, some day.

God bless you guys.
Posted 11/14/2008 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
Bpspouse-

My fiance had a depressive episode this past summer. I was on the phone with his therapist and psychiatrist often. It's not your fault. Nothing you did made this depression rear it's ugly head. I repeat, it's not your fault. You're a team and you both want her to get better. Sometimes (times like this, when she cannot fight for herself), you need to take her health into your hands. It certainly sounds like she needs a med-tweak. Does she have a reliable psychiatrist? Could you call him/her? Does the therapist have permission to talk to her pdoc? Does she have insurance?

I KNOW the pain you are feeling all too well right now and it makes me emotional just bringing my thoughts back to that time. It will get better. Even when I didn't believe it myslef, I still told my fiance every day that it won't always be like this and he will get better. If you are committed to her and believe that she'll heed the advice, med-change, perhaps even hospitalization, then I strongly suggest you take matters into your own hands and get on the phone with her doctors. Does she have family who are loving, understanding, and supportive of your situation? If so, reach out to them, too.

Her lamictal dosage can be adjusted, the pdoc can add an "activator" anti-depressant to lift her out of this, or her mood stabilizer can be adjusted (although I'm not a dr, and what i just wrote was speculation...i just want to reiterate there is hope).

Keep us posted.

Posted 11/14/2008 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
sorry- i now see she is distant from her family.
Posted 11/14/2008 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
NAMI may have support groups in your area...
Posted 11/14/2008 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi bpspouse,

I want to welcome you to HealingWell and to the BP forum. As you've discovered, there are several spouses and partners on our forum who are in or have been in the same position you're in. You don't need to worry about comparing your own troubles to other peoples'. We all have our own issues we're working through and need support for. And you sounds like you're certainly in need of some back up right now.

It's not a good idea for your wife to just sit in her room and brood, so try and draw her out as often as you can. She won't always let you, of course, but even if it's just for tv, like last night, or to have dinner or go for a walk, that's better for her. She also needs her meds looked at, so it's time for a psych appt. Do you know when she goes again? She needs to call her doc if it's not soon and get an appt for the next week or two -- as soon as possible, before the depression gets worse.

But as some of the other posters have already recommended, you need to take care of yourself. Contacting your own counselor is a great start. But as diskus suggested, support groups are often free or very cheap. They're often at hospitals or health clinics. Contact you're local mental health clinic for information on where some are. Your counselor would know as well.

I hope you find the support and help you're looking for here.

Good luck,
serafena
Posted 11/14/2008 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
She's got an appointment with a (new) psychiatrist, but it's not for another couple weeks, it's the soonest they would get her in. And the insurance is up in the air for now with the impending lay off, but I'm ready to mortgage the house if I need to.

I'm going to check for support groups in my area, that's a great idea. I'm also going to try and get her out of the bedroom, my fear of angering her has prevented me in the past, but I feel like it's the right thing to do. We'll have the weekend together, we usually get things resolved by simply forcing use together for a couple days.

Maybe then I can talk to her about being in contact with her doctors.

Serafena: This is the support I needed, I just didn't know what to do next. I didn't have a direction and looking at this getting worse with no way out. I'm feeling more hopeful.
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