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BP husband impossible to talk to

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Posted 1/9/2009 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi friends,

I have never felt so alone right now in the struggles I am having with my husband who suffers from BP/ADHD.  Even though I know I am far from alone, it just feels like it right now...next to a supportive counselor and a couple of good friends who only know half of it, I have no supportive family nearby (with the exception of a mother who has always been cold and believes you should divorce someone as the solution to everything).  I don't even feel like i have anywhere to go if I decided to leave with my children for a while.  The worst thing is, I feel alone in my own marriage, when I feel I should be able to talk with my husband but he just doesn't seem available.

Last night I tried to calmy and nicely talk with him about counseling (for himself, for me and for us) and some of the other feelings I've been having (mainly feeling down and confused about our marriage) and he literally ignored everything I was saying.  He became angry (again) and told me to "get the F - - out of there".  I just walked off and went to bed.  In the middle of the night he came in and starting poking me in the back and telling me "what's the matter, you don't want to talk now?  you want to just keep denying your own problems and only focusing on mine?  You want to be a BP bully, etc...etc...)  I was so fair when I was talking to him, but it doesn't matter.  I feel like I'm sinking deep and in the twilight zone...there is absolutely no normal communication with him, he is not hearing me, he won't go to counseling, it's getting worse and worse.

In the meantime, nursing school for me starts in one week and I am trying to just take care of my 2 little children, but I am really struggling.  How am I ever going to get it back together and get stronger? I just started going back to counseling, but that can take time.  Here we are going into another (what should be a fun) weekend, but I can just feel the misery brewing.  Last weekend I left with the children to a hotel.  It's like I'm a sitting duck to the misery he brings home with him.  As you can tell, I'm not doing very well.

Any messages of encouragement or advice are much appreciated.

Hugs to you all,

4

Posted 1/9/2009 7:25 PM (GMT 0)
Honestly, I think that if his BD is at the point of cruelty, you should ask him to leave. Maybe if he realizes that you're not going to put up with his abusive behaviour when it is clearly done to just be cruel maybe he'll smarten up.
You really need to concentrate on yourself and your children because if you don't take care of YOU then you're not going to be any help for him and his disease.
And I don't think YOU need to leave... he does. You have kids to take care of and feed and fend for - he only has to fend for himself. HE should be the one to go stay with friends or his parents or whoever if he's going to be an ass. ESPECIALLY if he's not even willing to seek counselling. The only reason i've stay with my husband is because he's seeking help and counselling for his BD. If he were just mean and nasty and cruel to me without wanting to find the reasons why then i'm sorry my friend, but I'd ask him to leave.
If he won't go willingly then ask for a police escort to make him leave. Tell them that he is abusive and you're afraid for yourself and your children. Seems drastic, but you might need to do something drastic to make him sit up and take notice. I kicked my husband out when he left our kids alone late at night in an UNLOCKED house!!!!!! Oh ya, he was gondy the next morning! BE STRONG - if not for yourself then for your children.
Posted 1/9/2009 7:41 PM (GMT 0)
BD_spouse,

THANK YOU. I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall with him everytime I talk with him. He is now threatening to stop going to see his counselor at all and only focusing on MY hurt/anger issues and "what is wrong with me"? I have asked him to leave so many times and he always refuses. He is so selfish that he tells me I should leave, but I will never leave without my children.

When I called the DA's office and an attorney to inquire on a restraining order, they told me that is usually done for physical abuse or there has to be some proof that he is endangering us. Although, we know that emotional/verbal abuse can be even worse and the scars last even longer. Obviously, both are bad.

The cruelty is there when he won't talk to me, refuses to see his own problems and contributions to the way things are, his constant blame on me, and then his withdrawel from me or cruel words when I do try to talk with him. he just keeps repeating himself over and over, we're going nowhere (but in circles), and it's driving me crazy.

I am seeing a counselor again and my goal is to become stronger. I don't know what has happened to me, I always was so strong and capable of handling anything, and I've always managed to be resilient.

I am hurting badly.

Love,

4support
Posted 1/9/2009 10:51 PM (GMT 0)

Hey 4,

You know you are not alone with this although I know it feels like it. It really hurts when they are abusive & cruel just because they want to be. My therapist told my wife it is a defence mechanism for her. Kind of an I'll hurt you before you hurt me or I'll hurt you worse then you did me thing. I know that doesn't make it easier to accept, espeially when they keep on with it. I think anyone that has a family member going thru this can tell you, you give & give & give until you are give out.

Hope things turn around for you, or at least level out some

Rocket

Posted 1/10/2009 4:04 AM (GMT 0)
Hey 4support,

I know your pain, but you need to be strong for your little ones. Perhaps an ultimatum is a good route to consider. Either he gets help or he leaves. Don't know. Don't have any answers, but here to listen to you.
Posted 1/10/2009 5:13 AM (GMT 0)
I am currently living the ultimatum. He left almost 2 weeks ago and I told him he cannot come back until he seeks treatment. And I mean something beyond the GP he is seeing right now who just gives him meds that are OBVIOUSLY not working.

He is very angry.
He is resentful.
He is full of hatred and disdain.
He called the kids 2 times in two weeks and is mad they did not call him back (yes, they have their own cell phones already -- kids today!)

Yet, he resists the treatment he needs. I know he cannot like feeling the way he does. But he insists that he is fine.

I am at a serious crossroads. If he goes to be evaluated and they don't see through him and they placate his behavior, then I am done. If they get him on a plan that works, then we'll see!

Hang in there!
Posted 1/11/2009 5:00 PM (GMT 0)
How's everyone doing?
Any updates?
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