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Posted 1/12/2009 11:34 PM (GMT 0)
sad

I just felt like saying hi and letting you all know that things are not going well for us these days.

My husband "voluntarily" (he claims he was coerced, but he was not committed) checked into a psych facility 3 hrs. away yesterday for an assessment. His family and I all believe that his current medication has magnified all of the negative symptoms of his BD. So much so, he and I cannot live under the same roof with our children.

I have so much anxiety about this because I don't know what is going to happen when he gets out.

Through this site I have gained a lot more compassion and understanding for what he is going through. I know it sounds horrible, but I have not decided if I am a good enough person to stay married to him. I love him and care for him to the core of my soul, but I have so much hurt and anger inside me, i don't know if I can endure the BD much longer.

I am hopeful that he comes out of the hospital with a treatment plan that may change all of that. I am also in counseling.

Today he was able to use a calling card and call me. He spewed so much hatred and resentment for me, I was frightened. Luckily, he has no access to me (physically) for at least 72 hours.

So, now, even if he stabilizes and I have a new outlook on his illness, he may hate me so much, there is nothing I can do.

My heart is broken.

Thanks for listening -- Tuesdays with my therapist can't come fast enough!
Posted 1/12/2009 11:47 PM (GMT 0)
Oh wow. I'm so sorry. Statistics show that 90% of people who have BD get divorced. It's just such a hard thing to deal with. I don't have much to add to what you are upset about but I do send you ((HUGS)) from across the miles. You are not alone and are very strong for dealing with this illness thus far.
I pray you find peace.
Posted 1/13/2009 12:54 AM (GMT 0)
awee sweetie thats terrible. hopefuly everything will work out in the end, just hang in there. He will probably go through alot of emotions during the course of his treatment, try not to take anything too personaly he might just be venting and working through; but i'd advise to prepare for the worst (i always say hope for the best and prepare for the worst).
Posted 1/13/2009 1:07 AM (GMT 0)
I'm terribly sorry that things have gotten so hard for you. You definitely don't deserve it. But remember his illness makes him nasty, but that's only part of it. He's got anger issues and other problems to deal with on his own. If your marriage doesn't make it, please please please don't blame yourself for not being "good enough" to stay married to him. It's not your fault. No one would ask you to stay married to a man who was tormenting you just because he has bipolar disorder. If he comes out ready to work on being a better spouse, that's one thing, but I think it's a long shot. Let him take responsibility for his part in this drama as well.

All my best. Big (((hugs)))

serafena
Posted 1/13/2009 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hew falling,
I know it feels like thingas aren't going well, but at least he is somewhere getting treatment, and that is a plus. I can relate about the spouting of hatred & resentment. My wife has said unimaginable things to me during times when she is having one of her episodes. Like I said, at least he is someh=where that can treat him for things. Sadly, things probably won't be all rosy when he comes home, but don't worry yourself about when he does. Take this time that he is away to decompress about the situation & clear your own head. Worry about when he comes home when he does. Stressing yourself about it now will only make it more tense when he does.

Best wishes,

Rocket
Posted 1/13/2009 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Falling,

Unfortunately, I would say it's to be expected for him to be so resentful and nasty right now while he is clearly not stable yet. I shouldn't preach this advice because I can't seem to take it myself, but if there's one thing I've learned it's that it's not him, it's the illness talking. My husband usually regrets the things he says when he's not doing well, or he doesn't remember them. It's still the hardest thing in the world to do when he's saying the hurtful things directly to you! It usually leaves one reeling with hurt, confusion and anger...a feeling I can understand all too well.

I hope he gets the help he needs.

This is a very, very hard situation to be in. We're all here to support and listen, I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort that you are far from alone.

God Bless.

Love,

4support
Posted 1/13/2009 5:03 AM (GMT 0)
shakehead

Why are they letting him call me?????

I have not answered the phone this evening when I see it is him -- "unknown" on the caller ID. He called 4 times on the home phone and 13 times on my cell. After the 4th call to my cell, I checked my messages. He said he wanted to talk to the kids. A few attempts later, I answered and let him talk to them.

After they spoke, my daughter handed me the phone and he "put me on notice" that I better talk to an attorney NOW! I told him that there is nothing we can do in our state if we are married with minor children until we have not lived together for 365 days. Now, he wants me to sign a "post-nuptial" agreement that outlines the division of assets when we are allowed to divorce. I told him I cannot discuss this with him right now. We can handle all that later. blah blah blah.

He called SEVERAL times more and I never answered. I went back and checked my voicemail. He got more and more agitated when I did not take his call. He also became more and more threatening. He has threatened to take all our cash and disappear. He threatened to call the bank and tell them he refuses to close on our new mortgage -- we are building a house that is due to be complete in a month or so. I guess this is better than his episode a few weeks back when he threatened to burn the house down before he would ever let me live in it.

I notified my sister-in-law. She called the psych hospital and they were unaware of his threatening calls and apparent agitation. He is so charming in that place I am sure. They should revoke his phone privileges!

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know I am not alone and you all are a great source of comfort to me.
Posted 1/13/2009 2:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hey falling;
Wow! I am so sorry to hear that he is being this way to you. It's sad (but a blessing as well) that there are so many of us that know exactly what you are going thru. Like I told you earlier, the positive thing is at least he is in a treatment facility where they an get his meds adjusted. I know how you feel with the fear of him putting on an act for the docs though. You don't want him stripped of his privacy, but at the same time you wish they were recording his calls or something so they would know exactly how his behavior is. I know first hand how rough all this is, but stay strong. We are here if you need us.

Rocket
Posted 1/13/2009 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
Falling,

How terrible! I'm so sorry. All I can say is that you need to shield the kids from his behavior right now and take care of yourself.

You've talked to a lawyer then? Are you making plans for dealing with a separation? I know you're hoping this is just his disorder talking, but you need to plan for it to be otherwise.

I wish I could help in some way,
serafena
Posted 1/14/2009 3:23 PM (GMT 0)
A quick update:

Thank goodness my sister-in-law is on board here! She is truly and advocate for my husband and certainly sees that he is not himself AT ALL. She and I both called the facility to report the calls he was making to me. We found out he was hiding his agitation from the nurse on duty.

Long story not so long, he had put in a 72-hour request to leave (remember, he went in "voluntarily"). This was a scary thought because he we could see that he was not stable. Thank goodness the psychiatrist denied it. He is now admitted "PEC" -- Physician Emergency Certificate.

I was never listed on his paperwork to call and give medical information. I am having to rely on my sister-in-law for updates. That gives me some anxiety, too. But, now I can relax a little tiny bit because he cannot call me anymore (his phone priveledges were revoked) and he is not getting out until he gets stabilized.

I still can't help worry about his demeanor when he is stable. Will he hate me still? Will he understand why it had to be done this way?

I can intellectualize that it is not my fault.......I did nothing wrong.......but I have SO much guilt!!!!!!!!

Therapy is good! I really like my therapist. She hugs me tight after each session :-) and is good about validating my feelings/actions. I have a really long road ahead! But I have y'all, my therapy, my wonderful family and friends and three of the best kids on the planet to get me through it!
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