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When did you finally realize that you could not battle this illness and work a full time job?

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 1/26/2009 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
I am so to the point in my life where I do not have the energy to work full time and take care of my family and myself. I have worked for 34 years and I am so tired of this everyday struggle. I just feel like if I could stay home, take care of myself and my family that I would feel so much better. I don't mean become a hermit, though some days that sounds great! I do not interact with people as I feel I should, I am so unhappy I just go through the motions everyday. There is no joy in my life, just motions, going to work, coming home, cooking dinner, doing laundry. When everyone is home I usually just sit in my room by myself because I can not tolerate watching violence or anything intense on T.V. We cannot live on my husbands salary, we just sent our daughter to college. I have long term disability through my work, it only pays for 2 years for manic-depressive. I am Bipolar 1, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and high anxiety, Rapid Cycler and probably more.

I just cannot keep up with everything and be well (stable). Can anyone give me some insight if you are not working as to what your breaking point was? I feel that I am certainly at mine. On top of everything, my PDoc retired December 31st, so I am in the process of getting a new one. Not always an easy thing to do in this town, most want a security deposit to make an appointment! No joke. Is that norm?

Anywho, would like to hear your input.

Thanks

Never stable for more than 45 minutes - BP Gemini
Posted 1/26/2009 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
Security deposit????

What?

I've never heard of that. And they say we're crazy.

I haven't worked full time for 8 years, and I'm only 36. I had a very hard time keeping all my balls in the air and staying stable. After I was hospitalized, there was this real sense among my family that I should take it easy, and no one has asked me to work full time since. In fact, I'm thinking about getting a full time teaching job this fall and everyone's worried that I won't be able to handle it. I think I'm possibly stronger than they think I am. We consequently have to live pretty simply and we get help from our parents periodically. Elegant life it ain't. But it's enough.

Is there any chance of you applying for SS Disability? I don't even know if you'd be elegible.

serafena
Posted 1/26/2009 4:34 PM (GMT 0)

Seriously, there is one PDoc practice in my city that makes you physically go to their office to make an appointment and you have to go ahead and make your co-pay or pay for the visit before they will schedule.

I am 50 and have worked since before I got out of High School.  The job I have now I have been at for 5 years, it was OK at first, but with the economy as it is, people were let go and now I am juggling much more than I am physically and mentally capable of.  I pay, through my employer, for short and long term disabilty, but it has a "clause" for mental disorders, they will only pay for two years.  But that is OK, right now I feel if I could take a couple of years off from corporate America, I would feel better.  I just can not get stable and last week I drove through 3 red stop lights trying to do something bad!  I almost went to the emergency room at the local hospital that day and beg to be admitted.  I am thinking hospitalization might be coming shortly.  I just need a break so bad.  I am use to living simply, I like it, always have been a frugal person, but I am paying for insurance that will pay me 67% of my salary.  I just need to find another PDr. and get the ball rolling before I end up in the hospital.  Bumming out, unstable, unhappy;  manic me is in the pits of depression.

Thanks for responding Serafena.

BP Gemini

Posted 1/26/2009 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
As far as "security deposits" the clinic I use requires a credit card be on file in the event of a missed appointment.

They are also a private pay clinic *eeps* but one of the better in the city so, I suck it up and pay.
Posted 1/26/2009 6:26 PM (GMT 0)

OK, believe it or not I found one that takes my insurance and made an appointment for me for February 10th.  I just hope I can hold on that long, if not I'll admit myself.  I am not goin to have a choice, I keep getting worse and worse.  It is so hard to function, even minimally, when you feel like this.

BP Gemini

Posted 1/26/2009 6:34 PM (GMT 0)

BP Gemini, you hang in there until your appointment.  Yes it is true that for many sufferers of BP...depending on the degree, many are unable to cope with so many things and responsibilities.  I know I would not feel as healthy today if I also had to work 40 hours a week.  I am stressed out as it is taking care of a household of 5, and taking 3 classes.

But I am also sensing from you that maybe you might need a med adjustment.  You sound like you are both down and manic.  So be sure to speak to your doctor about it when you see him/her.  At least you are able to recognize it and know something is off.

Have you checked into applying for SS disability.  I know many people with BP have to jump through a lot of hoops to get it, but it might be worth checking out?

Posted 1/26/2009 6:44 PM (GMT 0)

mommy.michele, Thank you for responding.  Yes, I am and always have had medication issues.  I was dping pretty well on risperdal but then they increase it, got bad side effects as well as hostile and violent feelings and self destructive thoughts.  I backed it off a little and now I am in a mixed state of Yuk!  My PDoc retired, just made an appointment, hoping that maybe a new perspective will help out as well.  I have long term disability through my work, I pay for it, it only pays for 2 years for mental issues (can we say discrimination?), but a two year break right now sounds like heaven on earth.  I do have times when I do OK, but the last week has not been one of them.

Hangin' On........................

BP Gemini

Posted 1/26/2009 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
Dear BP Gemini, I was on Risperdal last year - highly sedated for a couple of months and then I suddenly wanted to mutilate my body and quit my job. I got my lovely long hair chopped off and quit a job that overpaid me for doing nothing. I sat at home for five months and became depressed. At home, everyone left for work and there was no one to talk to. I used to cook and clean up and no one really appreciated the effort. Now I have started volunteering and am looking for a job. I agree that stressful jobs are not for us bipolar people but I have personally come to the conclusion that I need to interact with the outside world to remain sane. It might be different if I had a spouse and children who needed me at home.
Posted 1/26/2009 8:35 PM (GMT 0)

Shebsy, I have had similar reaction with Risperdal.  At a certain level for a short while I am OK, then I get angry and violent (like wanting to smash all the windows in the house or drive my car into something), then I back off the dosage and I crash into depression.  There is no middle ground with this medication.  I have a feeling it is going to take small dosages of more than one to stabilize me.  Today I want to hide from the world that I hate and feel like hates me back!  I can hardly bare this feeling.  I have been on so many meds, but alone they are not doing it for me.  I have a very full life, husband, two almost grown children and my dog who is my very best friend in the world.  I don't want to leave them but sometimes I just feel like running away from it all and everybody.  It makes me sad to think I would feel this way for the rest of my life, though I know I will not because I have had some stable happy periods over the last three years.

Oh well, will just hang on until new Dr. appt.  I am hoping a fresh approach will fix things for me.  I just can't stop crying.

BP Gemini

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