wish me luck

Well it should be an interesting day. We are going to a birthday party for my nieces (step nieces actually) & my wife has already started (last night) about how they aren't my sons real cousins & don't know why we should have to go anyway yadda yadda. I told her very calmly this morning after she started again that she ould stay home if she wanted to. She hasn't said anything else about it, but needless to say I'm nervous about it. I don't know what her issue is with my family(I think it's because they don't kiss her a** like she thinks they should) but we go thru this crap every time there is any kind of function my family has. It gets old.

Rocket

Rocket, I know exactly what you mean. I deal with the same thing to a degree. I finally told him a few years back that as far as I was concerned, I would not expect him to ever go to see my family for a function except for 1 or two times a year - which would be a comand performance....Passover for sure, and possibly Thanksgiving at the most - but even that one was really optional in that he could choose to spend the holiday with his kids and wife (as we would be at my family's), or not and we would celebrate the next night. The rest I would never expect him to come with me, I will simply tell them he had to work or had other plans and couldn't make it. The choice was totally his and he would decide for himself on a case by case basis. I must say, once I did this, it has been MUCH better. We don't fight about it, I don't get offended by the things he will say to me about various members of my family (true or not, as you said....IT GETS OLD). And frankly, I was so sick of the "poor me" side of his pity party about how he felt people were treating HIM. He already held himself separate from them, so they would ignore him to a degree. I always told him if he doesn't make an effort with them, why should they with him. But in his viewpoint, it was always THEM being the jerks. And I am not saying they are not....THEY CAN BE...truly...I love them, but they can be. So now, I take the kids when I can, or if I want (which is not often), and we attend a function now and again. The one we all see the most is my mom, and when he goes off about her I just tell him he is crossing the line and this is MY mother and whether or not he likes her in that moment doesn't matter. She is my mom and she WILL be respected. As I did with his family as they were not may favorite people either. I can honestly say that at least THIS part of us has for the most part been worked out to an acceptable consistant solution that is working for us. Maybe instead of every inviting her, let it be her choice. Inform her of where YOU are going, and she can go or not. The choice is completely hers. And if YOU are alright with whatever she chooses....less negative for all to listen to. Hope that helps. LFW

Hey guys;

well things went about like expected. We weren't even backed out of the driveway when she started in about how I never said she looked good before we left. I calmly coorected her by telling her I did. She asked if her sweater looked o.k. on her & I told her it always does & she looked good, now quit worrying. Of course that wasn't good enough. then it turned into "I always have to ask you never just say it." Then I just told her "honey don't start." Which she didin't respond to, just kept on about how bad of a husband I am & I treat her bad & so on. Ince she seen she wasn't going to draw me into a fight she stopped & we rode the rest of the way there without talking (about 40 miles).

She was fine while we were there & on the way home. Once we got home however she started in again about how I make her feel awful about herself & she isn't even going to try anymore. I told her that was completely her choice & it didn't matter to me. It kept on then about how I never compliment her & when was the last time I did. I pointed out some specific examples over the past few days & told her she needed to quit being her own worst enemy (as I hve several times). How she needed to quit blaming her insecurities on me & just relax about things. Then I was told how she could look like the women on T.V. ????? if I would just invest some money in her looks. I told her that I was sorry that I don't **** gold bricks so she can go to the salon every day, but I have never refused to spend money to get her hair done if she wanted except to maybe put it off a week if things were tight. I don't know which part of that had the effect, but she calmed down after this conversation.

Overall I think this rescent outburst has little to do with my family(if you hadn't noticed) & more of her insecurities & looking for a thing to lash them out at.

As we spouces are always saying, Oh well maybe today wil be better.

Rocket

LFW;

Yep been there quite a bit. My wife does the same thing. Won't hardly talk to anyone unless they talk to her first, sits on the couch like a lump on the cushion, then gets mad because everyone isn't fawning over her. The first time she went over there, we had to sit in the car for 15 mins with her going on about how they were going to hate her. Talk about trying to map your own fate out. She has been told numerous times that she doesn't have to go over there if she doesn't want to. She always goes for some reason or another. I get along with everyone in my family, sure there are some I merely tolerate, but there aren't usually any outward hostilities. Of course I have been pushed into speaking up about things that have hurt her feeling, but not in a while. After a huge blow up at after christmas a few years ago I told her I wasn't doing that anymore. I was tired of going thru this every year starting a fight just because something didin't go the way she thought it should. Then dad called & talked to me & said the same thing. They had had enough & was not going thru this anymore, they were tired of having the holidays ruined because she wanted to start some drama. So now she limits the holiday drama to our own house.

A lot of the problem she has with my family is just plain out jealousy on her part. She is always talking about how it isn't right that they all haven't had to struggle like we have & they never seem to have any bad luck & so on. Which is true for the most part. Of all my siblings, we have struggled the hardest, but (funny me I guess) I don't see that as a reason to hate them or be mad at them. It's not their fault that they have caught good breaks & got some lucky bounces. Of course if I say that then it launches into an I don't know why you kiss their a** so much they aren't your real family (1 true brother 4 step sibs). I know a lot of this is the B.P., alot of it is the wayshe was brought up, her dad had never been diagnosed as BP but my wife acts so much like him sometimes it's unreal. The funny thing is, the times when she has stayed home, when my son & I get back I get questioned about who all asked about her & why she didin't come & so on. I just don't understand what is so hard about going somwhere & having a good time & not making a friggin drama about things.

Rocket

Rocket, my H will only ask me what I said to excuse his absense, and if anyone minded.  I usually say I told them he had to work because he has some deadlines with a project.  That everyone understood but sends their regards.  Then the issue is dropped. 

I am grateful when he doesn't go most times because It also allows me to set the tone with my own family.  Same as I had always tried to let him do with his.  But I hear you about the insecurities.  My H is FULL of them.  It made me smile to see you discribe how she critisized that you didn't complinment the right way...etc.  When reality was, she never seems to acknowledge when you do...like it doesn't get through to her.  That is HUGE here.  I am always being told how I don't do things to make him feel good...or his favorite....I don't take responsibility when I am wrong in his eyes.  This cracks me up because I do ALL the time.  I apologize, I own it, but it goes over his head most times because it isn't packaged the way HE wants it to be, nor do I make a big deal of the fact that I am doing it.  I just do it and get on with it.  I don't have to be "pushed" to do it, so to him....I haven't done it right. 

It is funny how all our experiences are so similar, with the same arguments....Well, glad to hear this event went by without a major incident.  LFW