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DO BP SPOUSES REALLY MEAN THE NASTY THINGS THEY SAY DURING AN 'EPISODE'??

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Posted 2/18/2009 4:26 AM (GMT 0)
My BP husband was having another episode on Saturday night, after a night out drinking with his friends. At 7pm he told me he would be home no later than 11pm and would only drink a couple of light beers (he is well aware that alcohol can trigger him off). At 4am he still wasn't home, so I sent him a text message simply saying "where are you?". To that I got the reply "what's your ****ing problem?" He arrived home about half an hour later, extremely drunk, and decided that I was nothing more than a (expletives) and gave me a few slaps across the head. He also told me that he gets sex from a female friend who works around the corner from him on his lunchbreaks, and also told me that I do nothing for him sexually anymore. He told me that every one of his friends hates me. He then began to yell at me for making his father leave (he must have imagined for a second that I was his mother) - and he strongly denies ever saying that to me... He then went to bed and fell asleep for a few hours.
I don't know about anyone else, but it takes me a long while to get over the rotten things that he says to me and this time not only do I have to let the words be forgiven, I also have to let the bruises he left on my face heal. The next night, he asked me for a cuddle - I declined and he couldn't understand why....

I have since found out that while he was partying with his friends he kept telling them just how miserable his marriage was....yet he was very loving and affectionate with me before he left.

I'm at the stage where I just don't know what to believe anymore. He doesn't believe that he has a problem, he says he's just depressed because he is trapped in a bad marriage. But the only one making it bad is him.

He told me this morning that his boss has given him a warning at work, and now he is thinking about leaving his job (he's only been there 3 months - it's his 7th job in 3 years) - we are only just getting back on track after the financial mess he put us in when he left his last job.

I really don't know how long I can keep putting up with this situation. All I see in my future is episode after episode, and it's also getting to the stage where I can see my children speaking to me the way they hear him speak to me and I wonder what it must be doing to them. Is my son going to learn that it's ok to hit a woman and call her whatever he wants? Is my daughter going to learn it's ok to be beaten and called names? What example am I setting for them?

My husband WILL NOT seek help from a doctor. He still has an unfilled prescription from the last time he went to a doctor. He simply does not believe that he has a problem.


(I'm sorry, I had to edit out some of the stronger language -- even the astrisked ones -- serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 2/18/2009 10:18:14 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/18/2009 3:14 PM (GMT 0)

Hex;

First off, the best way to show that it isn't o.k. to be treated that way is to not let yourself be treated that way. Don't put up with it. My wife has said & done a lot of the same things that your hubby does. Minus the drinking & the infidelity (although she has came close). She has struck me several times & her mother a couple of times. with her being a woman it puts a different spin on things, it doesn't really hurt, but it sure pisses me off. I kept telling her to not do it again, & she was going to do it oe too many times & find herself in a real bad position. The last time she done it she nearly went to jail, I had the phone in hand & was going to call the police, the only reason I didn't is because she was laying on the floor cyring & begging me not to & kept promising she wouldn't do it again. She knew that if I did, she would not only go to jail, but because of her rescent hospitalizations for her condition, she would get sent to the institution after the cops were done with her. That was in December & she hasn't shown any sort of aggression like that since. Maybe your hubby needs a wake up call like that. The next time he hits you, just call the police, as long as there are no cansequences to his actions he will think that they are acceptable.

As for the infidelity, there is no telling. It may be true, may just be a little fantacy of his that he is telling you just to push your buttons. I know it's tough putting up with the things that are said. When my wife goes into one of her episodes, she says some pretty rough things to me as a defence mechanism. Hurt the people around you to make them feel as bad as you do & you will feel better type of thing. I know it's a lot to do with the condition, but that doesn't take the sting out of it a lot of times. Her favorite target is the bedroom, saying very degrading things to me in that department.  At this point, I can honestly say I could care less if I ever had sex again. I know, wierd hearing a man say that, but as I have told her before, listening to her complaing before, during & after, then the next few days make her little prods about how horrible it is & how much she hates it & the only reason she does it is so I won't cheat, it's just not worth it. But in her mind I should still be all over her every night trying to get busy & she an't understand why I'm not. She had an online fling with someone fromm her past about a year ago, & of course it was all my fault because I made her think I was cheating, plus he made her feel better about herself & more desireable then I ever have (mind you, this was all before I stopped wanting sex, that has only been the past couple of months). Sorry, not trying to hijack, just showing a comparison of the similarities.

Your hubby seems to be showing all the sighns of an untreated condition, & will stay that way until HE decides to get the help & treatment he needs. Take care of yourself & your kids, only he can take care of himself. Draw your line of how you will be treated & stick to it. Try to get some help for yourself if you can, again, take care of you.

Rocket

Posted 2/18/2009 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hexe63,

I agree completely with Rocket. The first thing to do is to not put up with being hit. Bipolar is NOT an excuse for abuse. He IS capable of controlling himself. As long as you don't resist, he's going to keep acting like an ape. Call the cops, get the kids up and leave, whatever you need to do, show him you will not stand around and let him hit you. That is completely unacceptable.

If he's so miserable in his marriage, call him on it. Maybe it's time you took his threats and complaints seriously and stopped letting him walk on you. Ask him if he's so miserable that he wants a trial separation. Is he likely to keep losing jobs? Yes. Bipolars have trouble keeping jobs. And he won't seek help? That's a deal breaker. Put your foot down. You shouldn't have to live like that.

serafena
Posted 2/18/2009 5:43 PM (GMT 0)

I seriously think that you need to think about leaving this marriage.  It is one thing to have to deal with the bipolar mood swings.  But abuse is another thing all together.  You are being abused bythis man and it is not ok.  Getting hit is not one of those "bipolar things" that you learn to deal with.

If I were you I would give this some serious thought.

Posted 2/18/2009 7:46 PM (GMT 0)
Dear hexe63,

I have often become violent during an episode and I remember hitting my sister when I was undiagnosed. But at that time my parents thought it was sibling rivalry. They did not like the idea of psychiatrists because it would ruin their social image. After I moved out of home, I resorted to punching pillows, self-flagellation, etc. After I was diagnosed and I saw that the medication made me stop convulsing and hitting myself, I knew I could never get off it for life. If you complain to the cops, your husband will get put in a hospital which will be for his own good. He may see the need to get medication and reform his ways. So, you should file a complaint in your best interests and in the best interests of your family.

Sheeba
Posted 2/19/2009 2:52 AM (GMT 0)

Dear hexe,

Wow, I'm seeing some serious problems here - for one, your husband is unstable, untreated and refuses to get help. 

Two, he is physically abusing you. 

Three, he is telling you he is having extramarital sex with a female friend of his? 

Beyond the hurt, confusion and anger you feel, do you really want to stay married to this man if he treats you this way?  My husband is BP II and was very hurtful and nasty to me prior to his diagnosis and before he went for help.  I remember very well how I felt, worried for our children and myself, questioned everything, and was consumed with pain, anger and confusion.  There was no infidelity, but there was defintely emotional abuse going on.

But he went for help, started seeing a doc, and got on medication.  This helped, a lot.  Of course things aren't perfect, it's been a lot of hard work, a roller coaster ride at times, and he has his bad days.  But I couldn't have stayed with him if he wouldn't have gone for treatment.  There is just no way anyone should have to live like that.  YOU are worth more than that...and you are responsible for your children.  Your children should not be exposed to that nasty behaviour toward their mother (by their father).  

Bipolar disorder will become worse if time goes on and there is no treatment.  Medication preferably, but a combination of both medication and therapy ideal. 

Believe me I know nothing is easy, and I know you have children which makes this even more complicated.  But if I were you, I'd make a plan and throw out the ultimatum that he is going to get in for treatment...or else you will have to do something.  If he's that unstable, be cautious.

My heart goes out to you.  I know how you must be hurting, but you will surely be happier away from this abuse!

Love,

4support

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