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Posted 2/20/2009 6:35 PM (GMT 0)

Here I go.  I have been reading for days now and have finally decided to post and ask for some advice.  I have been married for 12 years now.  We were married very young and had three children within the first five years.  My husband was diagnosed with BP during an extreem depressive episode four years ago through his employer. He started to take medication for the depression specifically lexapro and saw a therapist for about three months. He did not want me with him and I didn't push the issue with him because he seemed to be embarrassed with the situation. I tried to be there to provide as much moral support as I could for him during this time.  The therapist originally told him that he was suffering from centralized anxiety then after about a month of Therapy transfered him to a different Therapist for another evaluation where he found out that he was manic depressive.  I remember him telling me that his Therapist told him that she had never been afraid of one of her patients before but she had questioned whether he was going to hurt her while going through their evaluation. He continued to see the same Therapist and continued with lexapro for a few months.  He brought home some type of chart that he was suppose to track his daily thoughts and activities with.  That was the end of the treatment.  He didn't like the medication and stopped taking it and he also discontinued his therapy.  He told me that he could control it himself.  He would not be dependent on medication for the rest of his life.  After reviewing the symptoms of BP I was able to recognize that he has had it much longer than I knew.  In earlier years of our marriage he would get angry over minor or uncontrolable situations and kick in cabinets and throw things at me.  He to this day has never hit me but I do fear that day will come. He had an affair with someone that was like family (no blood relation, but has been considered family since a very early age in life).  I chose to stay and try and work through it and have done so four five years now.  I am the one responsible for our finances but he has complete access to them and during mania spends at least 60% of his income every month.  I have tried to lay out our finances to show him and he blames me for our financial problems.  Our home is being forclosed on and I am extreemly scared of telling him.  I know that I have to but I fear what he will do to me or himself physically and mentally.  His occupation requires that he carries a firearm and he has about 20 others in a couple of safes in our room.   When I tried to talk to him about how many he was aquiring he informed me that he would buy what he wanted and that he would never have enough because when war broke out in this country he will be prepared to defend what is his.  Our children are starting to see that things are not normal.  They are getting old enough now to recognize the difference between our home and family members homes.  I have tried numerous times to talk to him and cannot get through to him that he should see a therapist.  I am currently looking into finding one myself because I have been told that I have anxiety disorder.  I have told him that I am scared of him and that it is hard to talk to him about finances or anything else for that matter and he looks at me like I am insane and gets more angry so that conversation has stopped.  The rest of the family disagrees with him on subjects but will not tell him because they themselves are scared of what he will do if they say anything.  I need help and I dont know what to do anymore.  I feel like my life is coming apart at the seams and I dont want to have to walk away from someone that I still love but how can I stay with someone that I fear so much.  I dont even want to come home from work at night. When I am driving home I am scared of what I am walking into and wondering what damage control I will have to take care of with my kids.

Posted 2/20/2009 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
I'll share with you what I recently went through with my husband. Things started coming to a head and he told me that he was afraid of hurting me and our kids (ages 8 and 3). So I made some frantic phone calls (although I never believed he would or could hurt me and the kids, I was not going to be naive about it either). He was admitted to the psych ward at the hospital and was there for a few days. While he was there, he revealed to his therapist that he'd thought (and planned out how) he'd kill us and then himself. He got on some medications and eventually was released from the hospital and shortly thereafter went to drug and alcohol treatment. So I understand your fear. Someone who is bipolar will be medicated for the rest of their lives and if your husband is in denial about that, then there isn't anything you can do. Bipolars are famous for thinking they are better or they can control it themselves - but in all honesty they can't. Maybe you should think about leaving. Doesn't have to be a permanent thing, but you need to know where your line in the sand is. Maybe you leaving will make him realize that there is a problem... but maybe not. All you can do is take care of you until he's ready to admit that he needs help... especially if you're afraid that he will honestly hurt you or your children. Like i've said before, if you can't do it for you, do it for your kids. That's where I draw my inner strength from to make changes when they're needed... I do it for my innocent children who deserve to live in as stable of an environment that I can provide for them. They deserve to be protected and the only person who can protect them is me. Once you get some counselling maybe talk about your fears - you know your anxiety could possibly come from this situation??? - just a thought. Maybe your counsellor can direct you in the right way to ensure your safety.
Posted 2/20/2009 7:03 PM (GMT 0)

Welcome Lostbpspouse.  You shouldn't live in fear.  Get some help for yourself.  Give him an ultimatum.  Either he gets help to stabilize himself or you take the kids and leave.  I realize this is easier said than done, but you need to protect your children and yourself. 

If he's not willing to take responsibility for his illness there is no reason in this world (not even the love you feel for him) why you should tolerate him or put your children through a lifetime of this.  It's not fair to them.  It's not fair to you.  My two cents worth here.

-Whyus

Posted 2/20/2009 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
I would like to thank both of you for your input. I have spoke with a lawyer to try and find out my rights regarding leaving him. It is a really hard thing to do like you have said. I am going to set up a time with both his parents present and mine to tell him everything for my own safety. My children will have to be elsewhere when I do it. My main fear now is that he will come after me when it is all said and done. I just want to feel safe again. I dont think that his parents really acknowledge what he has it is being ignored by them and they need to be aware for his safety and mine. I dont want him to drop into a depressive state and harm himself either after everything is laid out in front of him and he know that not only is he loosing his home but his family is leaving also. I hope this will be the jolt that he needs to seek help for himself. He seems so normal most of the time. He has gotten control over a lot of his angry outburst on his own, but the financial side of it is out of control and sometimes that can be worse than the outburst. When I come home to I'm not angry with you about what you did but what you didn't do today that is done within a few hours but the spending is a lasting circumstance and I dont dare ask for his atm card although he has taken mine away a few times saying it is my fault. I think of everything I am scared of the most it isn't for my own safety but that of my children. I want to tell myself it wont happen but I fear because he gets home from work before me that he will go and get my kids and not let me have them back again.
Posted 2/20/2009 10:42 PM (GMT 0)
I can't tell you what he will or won't do. But if those are your fears then you must be proactive about the situation. You also can't surmise what he might do if you leave. Keep reassuring him that you love him, but he needs help that is beyond your control right now and as soon as he's healthy then you can go to counselling together and slowly become a family again. If necessary, bring your parents when you tell them OR (this might be the unthinkable) pack and get out before he comes home from work one day and go to your parents. The latter will give you the upper hand in the situation and you won't have to worry about him taking off with the kids because they'll safely be with you. If you have a joint account, I'd also open up a separate account and withdraw your portion of the account (not all of it because remember you're not trying to be vindictive) and put it safely in your own account.
I've had to take away my husband's bank card and close our joint account. Everything financially is in my name and I have control over it exclusively. He is ok with it this way b/c he knows that he's unstable right now.

((HUGS))
Posted 2/21/2009 12:19 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you I was having the feeling that I am being shady by doing some of the things that you had suggested (such as I have already moved some clothes to my parents house for both the children and I and have set up another account in my name only).  I know that he will see it that way but I can no longer like everyone has said change what he will think.  I need to think of my children and myself from this point out and hopefully he will take care of himself.  If he doesn't I guess he is will make my choice easy.

 

Posted 2/21/2009 2:40 AM (GMT 0)
My husband was really REALLY resentful when I moved $15,000 that has grandpa gave him into my account so he couldn't touch it... (it was to open a business, which ultimately didn't happen) but I gave it to him little by little... NOW that he's got a clearer mind, he knows why I did it and is grateful - so once your husband is thinking clearly then he'll know why you did it and understand. Yes he'll be very angry with you, thinking you deceived him or were being shady, or lieing - anything he can do to make you feel bad - but you have to do what you have to do to survive and get through this with your kids as best you can.
Posted 2/21/2009 3:53 AM (GMT 0)
Hello LostBPSpouse,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. What a terrible situation you're in. I'm sorry to hear of it.

I agree completely that you should be taking measures to protect yourself and your children first. No one should live in fear and the hard truth is that an unmedicated manic person will get worse, not better. He needs to see a doctor and get medicated. But in the mean time, the thought of all those guns in the hands of a man with a sketchy temper really has me worried. I don't imagine he thinks he could ever use them on his family, but you don't want to take that chance. Especially if you're afraid to tell him about the foreclosure. Definitely have someone else there when you tell him.

Don't be afraid to call the police if he loses his temper -- that's one way to have him taken to the hospital. If they find out he's out of control and bipolar, they may take him to the hospital.

Good luck, keep writing.
serafena
Posted 2/21/2009 4:34 AM (GMT 0)
It is a scary situation what makes matters worse is he works in Law enforcement so if he goes to the hospital over this then he could loose his job to top it all off and then he will really blame me for the rest of my life and probably never let me live it down.
Posted 2/21/2009 6:39 AM (GMT 0)
or, he could lose his mind one day, kill you and your kids or beat you within an inch of your life... sorry to be blunt but you can't let him being "mad" at you stop you from being safe. besides, should he really be working in that field being unmedicated? is he one of the "bad" cops that beats criminals just to let off some steam. i'm sorry if i'm out of line, but i see it everyday - women who are too afraid to leave abusive situations and they play the "what if" card over and over in their minds and somehow it convinces them to stay...
Posted 2/22/2009 12:06 AM (GMT 0)
To answer your question I am not sure if he is a Bad cop I personally have questioned that because he comes home after someone has been in line and is in a really good mood and tells me that I just dont understand the addrenaline rush that comes along with making them get back into line.

 

Posted 2/22/2009 7:28 PM (GMT 0)
Okay as of last night my plans have changed. He was cycling again for a while since the second week of February he has been okay. He was being nice with the kids minus the normal drill seargant routine of make sure all of your chores are completed every night. Yesterday he wanted the kids to help me clean the house and I told him it was easier for me to do it on my own because of course a nine year old and a twelve year old will leave food on the dishes and put them up etc. so he decided to take the girls and go shooting with them so I could clean. I started cleaning and my mother who is disabled called and asked for me to take her to Kmart. She goes out once every six months so when she calls I try and make sure to take her out. While out there I ran into him and he was nice as pie even joking with my mom. He had bought two boxes of ammo and was going to go out and do what he said originally. Once I got home I cleaned the house and I am talking hands and knees scrubbing the floor. When he came in I asked him how the house looked and he asked if I had vacuumed the living room of course my reply was yes and he said that there where small papers still in the same place as before. I decided to separate myself from the situation and went to the grocery store to buy groceries. I bought 300 worth of groceries my fridge was completely full. Then I made dinner and it was Menudo which two of the kids had never eaten before. He asked why I wasn't eating and I told him the truth I had tried it before and it made me sick. The girls tried to eat it but didn't like it and they both decided to make something else. He said "thanks, you gave them a preconcieved notion of what is good and isnt now." I decided at this point that it didn't matter what I did he was now in one of his mean moods so I went and finished the evening on the computer playing a game. He came in and asked if I was coming to bed and I said I am not tired right now very nicely and he made sure that I knew that he didn't want to sleep. I waited for him to take a shower and was going to go to the room to fullfill my nightly task and he came into the office and said get off of the computer and come in the room I want to talk. My stomach immediately began to churn. I knew what was coming (been through it many times). He started in by asking if I had scheduled to have the taxes done and I said yes (lied I have learned to answer the way that he wants when he is in this phase or it is even worse). He wasn't happy with the fact that I scheduled (supposedly) it so far out. He was on the roof the other day and it needs to be replaced which means we need 8000 dollars now!!!! Then he started in on how I am lazy and how I come home late at night from work and dont do anything. I make dinnerr when he begs me too (lie) and the kids are not my ******* (I hate that word). He was the one who made all of the chores up for them by the time I get home at night everything is already done. I dont know what he expects me to do? Then he proceeds to tell me that I haven't been grocery shopping (real grocery shopping) in over two months. Well first of all I have been chinsing as much as possible because I was trying to figure out how to get us out of a financial mess, but this same day I had bought groceries knowing that I am in an impossible situation. He proceeded to tell me that I really didn't grocery shop today. After an hour of being chewed out he finally looked at me and said go take a shower (which of course I know what that means). During he pulled my hair and was pushing my face into his hard when he was kissing me. I know now that there is absolutely no way any of this is going to end civilly. I am going to call into work tomorrow morning and move mine and the kids stuff out when he is gone and leave a letter for him. If he chooses to show up there I will call the police. He has now pinned me into a corner I am not willing to sit in anymore.

(I edited out even the implication of that word, sorry. --serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 2/23/2009 9:55:24 AM (GMT-7)

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