I would like to introduce myself

hi I am Nancy Jay, I have struggled with bipolar and panic dissorder for 20 years, I came here looking for support. I am pretty low right now.

Thank you soo much for replying to  my message, I wasnt expecting one this soon. Well I am trying to figure out what I need right now. I am having all the symptoms of a breakdown. I am out of town with my husband on business, our home is only one and a half hours away and that is where my psyc. Dr. is, I just saw a therapist for the first time about a week ago and it was sort of getting aquainted session, he did ask me alot of questions though. I am going down fast. My husbnad works long hours right now and works 7 days a week, he is under so much stress that he isnt as patient with me all of these 20 years together, that makes me feel even more alone. I had been in remission for about 2 years then we moved and I had to switch Doctors and I think this Dr. just doesnt have the wisdom and expierence that my other dr does and my old dr would give me therapy too, not just a med check, get you in and out in 10 minutes, he really cared.  I think I need to be in the hospital to get meds stabilized and get my anxiety and depression under control. I am scared because I dont know any psyc. Drs here and you cant get in with one for months, I would have to go to the emergency room.      I am scared and feel so alone. I talk to my sister but she just got diagnosed with bipolar a few months back and she is trying to get on her feet. My mom cant take it when I feel bad, it makes her worry and a nervous wreck so I am pretty much alone. That makes me want to cry but I cant, my meds make it where I cannot cry at all over anything. I couldnt cry when my dad passed away. Thanks for listening, sorry it was a long post but it felt good getting it out. Thank you so much for reaching out to me..   Nancyjay

I have been calling everywhere here and there is no mental hospital here where I am. At my home where my house is there is a place in the same building as my dr. it is an impatient facility, you just go to the desk and tell them you need an assesment for inpatient treatment. I am going first thing in the morning when i get everything ready. I am agraphobic which makes me have anxiety about it and i smoke and i knwo you cant smoke there. those are little things compared to what i am going through, it only takes an hour and 15 minutes to get there. I will board my dog there at my vets office. My husband wont have to take off from work to visit me because he really cant take off since he is in charge of everything but thats ok, i am dissapointed in him right now anyway and i usually never dissapointed in him, he is a good man who has supported me these 20 yrs of dealing with it. Thank you so much for responding, this is what i need today.

Thanks again for your concerned words of encouragement.. I am going in the morning back home to get an assesment and screening at an impatient facility and that is in the same building that my current pdoc is in, He will not be on my case though, they are totally seperate from working with each other as I understand it.. they have out patient care inpatient outpatient care which doesnt make much sense to me, and even more thearputic levels of outpatient programs as well. Its close to my house, I know how to get there and use to go to support groups there so the place will not seem unfamiliar. But Tonight I feel soooo all alone, I told my husband i was tired of being a burden to him and my family and he said well everybody is a burden to somebody! I dont know how anyone else would have taken it but it hurt me to the core.. you never want to actually hear those words. He has changed his support for me totally. My family, mother and sister talked to me alot today for support but by night time, they devistated me with something they said. these are the only people i have in my life total so i feel sooa all alone, i am so dependant on my husband for so many things, he finially let it out that I am a burden. anyway i feel a little bit consoled right now, I guess its just me and God now. He will help me, he always does. I will post when I get back here, I dont know if they will put me inpatient or outpatient. however it goes will be fine with me. thanks again :)

Nancyjay, Please be clear about WHO I am talking about with the doctors you have mentioned...I copied this from your 2nd post so we are talking about the same person....

"just doesn’t have the wisdom and experience that my other dr does and my old dr would give me therapy too, not just a med check, get you in and out in 10 minutes, he really cared."

This is who you should contact, your “old dr”, and this is who you should have consult with the people you are going to tomorrow who will be evaluating you (whether or not they put you in). Whoever is working on your case should have the benefit of this doctor working with them on your behalf, and there is no reason you can't have him as your doctor still. My H sometimes has phone appointments with his when there are time restraints. And given how well this doctor did with you....you should seriously stick with him. Call him tomorrow on the way to the clinic and see if he has some time to speak with you tomorrow.

As to the issue of what your husband said, and you being devastated by it......DON"T BE! I want you to call upon the mature part of yourself and ask yourself....with all your BP for 20 years, how many times do you think - because of your condition or not - you have said something in frustration that may have been VERY hurtful to your husband? Now....when you were in a better place yourself...ask yourself, if you really MEANT it? Chances are you did not REALLY mean what you said, or how it came out that made it as hurtful as it was. Well....that is ALL this is. IMAGINE where you would be today if your husband took everything you ever said to him to heart and allowed it to devastate him! I am married 17 years to a BP, and on this side of the coin....NO it is not easy, any more than it is easy to be the one WITH the BP. SO....just like you get tired of having to ALWAYS deal with the BP, recognize that us spouses, can get pretty tired of dealing with it too sometimes. IT DOES NOT MEAN WE DO NOT LOVE OUR SPOUCES, OR THAT WE DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED TO THEM ANYMORE, OR THAT WE RRRRRRREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYY THINK OF THEM AS BURDENS! But, when it is rough for you, it is ALSO rough for us. AND we should be allowed the occasional outburst of frustration about it. Does that make sense to you????? Spouses are human beings to, who have moods, frustrations, have periodic bouts of feeling sorry for ourselves, have moments of being tired of something....just like a BP does. It is just that our emotions do not run to the extremes as far, as long, as quick, etc..... Just like your spouse has always given you space, acceptance and understanding for your "moments", perhaps it is time, even if you don't feel like it, to now do the same in this moment for him without attaching a whole lot of meaning to something he said where it (I can promise) is not what HE meant by it. If I were to ask you husband if it was his intention by that statement to devastate you, and finally tell you what a "burden" you are to him....HE WOULD SAY ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!! He would say you took it all wrong, and THAT was not what he meant by it at all…I am sure of it.

I hope hearing all that from another spouse helps. GO CALL YOUR ORIGINAL pdoc, take care of yourself and remind yourself that most likely, with your emotions running low right now, you are probably taking things over sensitively and it is not a time to trust how ANYTHING from others is really feeling. YOU ARE LOVED, take a breath, and keep reminding yourself of that. Good thoughts to you, LFW