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Why don't they trust me?

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 3/24/2009 11:07 PM (GMT 0)
I'm a bit agitated today. I thought I had an appointment. I do not its not until Thursday. I almost called and cancelled it for this week but decided I really needed to go. Well I guess my husband decided for me. Well ultimately it was my decision. I feel myself slipping into an Abyss right now and I'm trying to hold on to the surface. I know I need to go. I know I need help.

It's a little discouraging when people don't trust me.

When they say things you've been down this road before I've heard the same speech. Then you get help, then you get medication, you take the medication. Then you decide that you no longer need the medication. I've told them I'm not like that I have a diagnoses now! But, he says you've had diagnoses before and you stop medicating yourself. I said yes but I'm not like other bipolar people it's not because I feel like I'm better. It's because I feel as though the medication is going to kill me if I keep taking it.

He said you have to decide whether you want help or not. I decided I have I keep telling him that I'm going to do it this time. I'm in it for the long haul. I'm going to take the medication. Why doesn't he trust me?

Posted 3/25/2009 12:53 AM (GMT 0)
You need to realize that the distrust is normal. How would you be able to trust someone, who over and over proved themselves to be untrustworthy? That is a part of your pride that you must just learn to swallow. If you are like me you have done plenty of things to get yourself where you are now....as far as people not trusting you. Remember the saying "Fool me once, shame on you....Fool me twice, shame on me".
That is what your husband is feeling. It shows bad on himself to keep blindly trusting to just get let down each time.

You need to realize that it is going to take a lot of time to get back to the trusting place. And I am not talking days or even weeks. When I was first diagnosed, and began this dizzy life called living with bipolar...there were a lot of changes made in my household. I was taken off of everything financial....EVERYTHING. Just last November I finally got my own savings account. And that was a year after my diagnosis. My husband still has to check my credit regularly, check and make sure I am going to class...etc. But you know what? It is not his fault, it is bipolars' fault. And my fault too.

If you are really in this for the long haul...then you need to come to the place where you realize that it is a LONG HAUL, not a short fix. The meds are forever.
Posted 3/25/2009 12:54 AM (GMT 0)
Honestly, its the wearing out of the spouse. My wife is BP and I'm not. I get worn out some days and want to give up all together. Just walk away and not look back.

Its not a trust thing. I had someone tell me one time, that when we reach our breaking points, we find out how much we can put up with. Its no ones fault. There is no one to blame. Its just a limit that each human has and how much one can handle.

So its not you, you are not a bad person, a liar or someone that can't be trust. Its just the limit your spouse has as to how much one can handle the responsibilites of a spouse with BP. Your spouse is not a bad person either. Blame on our chemistry if something needs blamed.

Also, look at BP has as someone with diabetes or a heart condition. Do they quit their meds when they feel better? No, they keep taking it because it helps them. BP is a lifelong disease not a cold virus.
Posted 3/25/2009 5:04 AM (GMT 0)

Lost in Thought,

I have a friend who is bipolar and had a hard time taking her meds too.  She too thought that they would hurt her or make her feel all drugged up and didn't trust them.

What she did was tell her pdoc that she wanted to start very slowly on the meds and why.  She told her pdoc how afraid she was of them. The pdoc did start her on very low, low dosages until she got use to them and saw and felt how they made her feel.

When she felt comfortable with the med and how it made her feel then the pdoc would increase it again.  Very slowly each time.  It took a while but she is finally medicated to where she belongs.

This is how she got past her feelings of what the meds would feel like.  Maybe this will work for you.

Don't give up.  It is true that we need to be on medications just like someone else who has a medical condition for life like diabetes, crohns disease or a heart condition, etc.

Good luck!  You can do it!

Posted 3/25/2009 10:56 AM (GMT 0)
LostInThought

mommy.michele is dead on and Tuff love has some good points as well. I was on this board over the weekend and I saw my wifes I-Tunes up with recently downloaded songs. I was curious and played the first song. It was called promises promises by some band I never heard of, it sent chills up and down my spine. I finally understood what she had been feeling for years and the distrust I have bred in our relationship. You are not alone, this happens to more people than I am comfortable with. Your hubby may not be at the breaking point Tuff love is speaking about but it is real and it does happen, you know, you have read my post "dying inside, again." Do it in small steps, one foot in front of the other, slow and steady wins the race or if your like me you just CANNONBALL! Except theres no one left in the pool when I am finally doing my cannonball. Go splash some people.
Posted 3/25/2009 1:55 PM (GMT 0)

not on a positive trip said...
LostInThought

mommy.michele is dead on and Tuff love has some good points as well. I was on this board over the weekend and I saw my wifes I-Tunes up with recently downloaded songs. I was curious and played the first song. It was called promises promises by some band I never heard of, it sent chills up and down my spine. I finally understood what she had been feeling for years and the distrust I have bred in our relationship. You are not alone, this happens to more people than I am comfortable with. Your hubby may not be at the breaking point Tuff love is speaking about but it is real and it does happen, you know, you have read my post "dying inside, again." Do it in small steps, one foot in front of the other, slow and steady wins the race or if your like me you just CANNONBALL! Except theres no one left in the pool when I am finally doing my cannonball. Go splash some people.

I am better at giving advise then taking it. But, I'm trying. I know that we have all back slid. I know you have as well and I know we should show them and wait instead of constantly telling them. I hope things work out for you. I'm actually wishing I had gotten help along time ago. But, I guess for me to truly know it is out of control it had to blow up. My mind had to completely get off tract and start scaring me for me to truly want help.

But, you guys are completely right and I'm glad I found you guys.

Post Edited (LostInThought) : 3/25/2009 10:24:22 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/25/2009 7:54 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Lost in Thought,

Speaking as a wife of a bp man, I'd like to share that it's very tiring dealing with the mood swings, the depression, the manic episodes, ALL the other bp behaviors that come along with this illness.  If you have finally decided to follow a treatment plan for your bp, show your husband that you are committed to it by taking your medications and have some kind of plan in place that allows him to TELL you when you are not doing ok and that it's time to make some meds adjustment and then accept whatever he tells you and follow through.  Probably easier said than done.  Actions speak louder than words.  Good luck.

Whyus

Posted 3/25/2009 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
Its taken 26 years to get where I am today.  Started climbing out of the hole in 83 when I realized I can only make myself better one second at a time.  Not to worry because, those seconds turn into minutes, then hours and so on; but you have to start now.  I've only been on meds for less than 6 years, but what an improvment.  Remember though, it may take several attempt to find the right med and also titrate it to meet your need.  Everytime I go to therapy now, I take my wife with me.  The doc and counselors can tell at a glance if I'm lying.

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