Wife of a bipolar husband - questions

wondering about whether or not my brothers drug addiction could be helped by any medicine, like to block the effects? anyone have any answers? He told me he doesn't get high from it, which I cant believe. He thinks his other meds block it, his way of making me believe this.

--I edited your post due to Forum Rule #1

1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (olivia of course) : 4/3/2009 1:43:33 PM (GMT-6)

HELP! I'm married to Bi-Polar hypercondriac with Adult ADHD and whatever else he decides he has that day. Depression, anxiety, etc. He lives his childhood over and over and tells me what a horrible childhood it was. Granted, it wasn't the best, but it wasn't the same as the man experienced in "Just a Boy", but it wasn't something that anyone couldn't get over, either. He refuses to move on and focus on what he has (which according to him on his good days) is everything he's always wanted.

In the meantime, he rages and destroys the walls, the tables and chairs and whatever is on them at the time. Takes a knife to the kitchen counter and screams at our 3 year old twin boys.

I'm working 2 jobs and never see the boys anymore since I'm trying to save our home. He's had about 7 or 8 jobs each year for the past 3 or 4 years in between being unemployed.  And then he gets upset with me when I don't believe him when he says, "I'm going to keep this job. I have to or we'll lose the house."  We've lost our family sitter because of all the times we've had to stop sending the boys to her to watch and couldn't pay her anymore because he'd lost another job - most of the time due to his anger, or simply because he couldn't stand being there anymore.

My little guys are currently enrolled in a pre-kindergarten class due to being delayed developmentally. Nothing severe, but they need help with physical therapy, speech therapy and communication skills since they were born pre-mature. I can't take them away from the help they need.  And it's a bonus that it's a free enrollment since they were evaluated and qualified for the classes. They go part-time Monday thru Thursday and LOVE it! They actually RUN to their teachers everyday.

My husband sometimes uses them as emotional crutches which makes me ill.  He told me one day when he was depressed that one of the boys was watching him cry (again) and covered him up with a blanket and 'tucked him in'.  HE'S THREE YEARS OLD!  No 3-year-old should have to deal with that.

I want my children to grow up happy, safe and loved. I know my husband loves the boys, but it always goes in cycles. He's even told me he wants to call child services to take the boys because we can't afford them. AAAHHHH!!

Since I'm working, he makes unilateral decisions that I can't control or monitor when I'm not there. Like buying a car, or clothes, or food, etc that we can't afford.  We've recently had to declare bankruptcy since he doesn't know how to control his spending and I can't prevent him from spending it without forcing the issue of separate banking accounts.

He's told me that he's let the dogs go (outside loose) so he can get reactions out of me so I HAVE to call him while I'm at work, or leave work to deal with his issues.  I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING PLAYED!!!! He says he needs to get out of the house and take a break (which I have no problem with since I understand needing a break) and he goes out with his friend (he usually one has one at a time) or alone. One time one of my girlfriends saw him out at a bar and he'd taken off his wedding ring and was talking up some women. I would find this out later, however at 5am I get a call from him and he tells me that he's lost his car keys and he'd passed out in the car in a parking lot. So I had to put the boys in their carseats in their PJs and drive around looking for him where he said he was (which we never found him).  He later called from home while we were still looking for him and said he found his keys and drove home. Of course all that day, he slept and didn't talk to me. It wasn't until later when I talked to my friend what happened that night.

I suspect he hooked up with someone and something strange happened, but what I have no idea.  In his rages, he's grabbed me and hit me and given me bruises. In my effort to defend myself, I've hit him back and when he felt he was losing, he would stop and start crying and tell me that he can't believe I hit him when that's what had been done to him all his life (meaning his childhood - however the only abuse that I've ever heard of from his cousins, parents, aunts and uncles is that his mother left when he was 8 years old and moved to Florida and never came back and his Dad married about 5 times, but there was nothing said about any physical abuse).

He calls me hideous names and feels the need to degrade me at every opportunity, but then settles down and acts like nothing happened and now he's sorry and things should go back to the way they were because "he misses his best friend".

In his rages, he sends horrible emails to everyone he knows - including his family and mine and tells them horrible things, but then when he's done, he apologizes and again expects them to all get over it and if they don't, they can take a flying leap (although the words are much more explicit).

I've worked at the same company for 18 years and would like to keep this job, but it's almost an hour commute and I would need to leave the house at 6:30am to get to my job on time. This way I can leave work at 4pm and start my second job at 5:30pm and work until 9:30pm during the week. The only time with the boys is the weekend. And I live for the weekend when I can spend time with them. Get them out of the house and talk with them.

I'm done with my husband. But how do I make this transition, keep my job, keep the boys in school, handle the daycare, not damage my boys and get away from my husband so that he can't hurt any of us anymore?

I want full custody and I don't want a cent from him. I'm done! As far as I'm concerned if I never see him again it would be too soon. But I don't want my feelings toward him interfere or hurt my boys.

How do I do this?

Through the years, he's seen his primary care physician, psychiatrist who only prescribes meds and doesn't talk to him other than to find out if the drugs are working. A few people he's talked to over the years whom he says never tell him anything he doesn't already know and whom he says doesn't help and at times he doesn't have the time to take off work (either he's started a new job and can't take off, or the times he's available, the therapist isn't) PLUS he's said we can't afford it, even though we now have a flexible spending account this year which allows us to get reimbursed for his visits. While he was seeing the psychiatrist and he was trying out different drugs with him, he said he was a quack and didn't know what he was doing. He said the meds he gives him don't work and I never knew when he was taking them and when he wasn't. Then he would abuse them and take several doses 'just to get through the day' because he felt anxious at work. On the weekends, he would take them and then drink on top of them to get whatever buzz that gave him. Needless to say, I've lost track of whatever has been prescribed for him and what doses, etc.
He's even told me that I need to read a book so I know how to 'work the program'. As if by reading this book I would be able to resolve everything and he wouldn't have to do anything to get better.
Currently the new drug is Cymbalta which the PCP prescribed. the PCP prescribed this and gave him 2 weeks of samples of the drug. In the meantime, he didn't put in the prescription and waited until he was out of the samples. So when he submitted the prescription, the insurance company required the Dr sign off on a release (or something) and he had to wait a few days for that process before he could get it filled. He said he was SO stressed out about not getting the medicine and became hateful again.
Yes, he has bouts of sleeplessness. He also takes 'simply sleep' or 'Tylenol PM' if he can't sleep.

Right after the boys were born I was experiencing post-partum depression and crying everyday. To make it even more complicated, my mother died 3 days after the boys were born - on my birthday. JEEZ! That was a tough year. Since he was working at the time, as soon as he would come home, I would start crying - I'm not sure why, but I did. On the 3rd day I did this, he came home and said that he couldn't deal with my crying everyday and that I need to 'get it fixed'. No concern, no understanding, no empathy, no worrying about the boys' needs - nothing. I resent him for that totally and completely. After the years I've tried everything I could to help him through his issues. I had been empathetic, supportive, reassuring, determined, hardcore and finally removed.
Needless to say he has yet to 'get it fixed' himself.

During one of his rages - in the kitchen this time - he broke all the chairs and attempted to throw them in the hallway, put a dent in two of the walls and overturned the table. He destroyed everything on the counters and left glass and food everywhere. One of my boys looked in the kitchen after he took off and said, 'Oh no, Mommy! What happened?' I would have LOVED to tell him how horrible his father is and scream my frustration and break down and vent. But I didn't. I told him it was a big mess and Mommy was going to clean it up. And I asked him and his brother to stay in the living room while Mommy cleans it up. But, of course, they were hungry by then. So I left it all there while we had a little picnic on the floor in the living room.

The next time he destroyed anything, I left it for him to clean up. He's manic about cleanliness when he's not crazy or contrite. Most recently he's splintered an antique rocking chair that was my mother's and told me (before I saw it) that he broke my chair and that he would fix it. HE SPLINTERED IT! He didn't just 'break it'. It is unable to be repaired and irreplaceable. Is it too much to ask for a life without all the drama and abuse?

Last night he called my second job and told the person there to relay a message to me that I had to come home because the boys were sick. It wasn't true. The boys were fine. He just didn't want to be alone anymore. He is COMPLETELY selfish in everything he does.
He sent me several abusive emails while at work yesterday and said he was going to leave the boys at school and I would have to leave work and pick them up because he was going to join the Army and leave me and get an apartment. First he said he wasn't going to bring the boys to school because he was so stressed and depressed. Since I didn't respond to ANY of the emails, he started leaving nasty voicemails. Then I got a voicemail that said he was done arguing (which whom, I have no idea since I didn't respond to him) and said he was tired of hurting. He brought the boys to school and he would pick them up, but he was going to get a divorce (not sure who is going to pay for that), get an apartment (with what money?) and the boys and I can stay in the house and he would pay child support (and who am I going to have watch the boys while I'm at work and with what job/money does he think he would EVER be able to pay me ANYTHING?)

After this last job he lost, he said he was eligible for unemployment. Which he was and we're getting that. I told him this would be a perfect time for him to get the help he needs and talk with someone while the boys were in school. He made a couple of phone calls, but that's as far as it went. He's been off work for about a month now and I've already had to leave work a couple of times because he couldn't handle being at home.
Then he called our bankruptcy attorney and asked if we could include it as part of the bankruptcy even since it's been discharged. Since the attorney told him that it would take between 6 months and a year before we would have to move out, he's now decided that we are no longer going to make the house payment, live in the house until we have to move and then get an apartment. Where, I have no idea since he refuses to live anywhere there are black people. Have I told you he's a racist? When I met him, he wasn't like this at all. He was very accepting of all my friends - black, white, gay, old, young, etc. Now he says horrible things about EVERYONE. Even people I've told him about and he's never met. He's even gotten a gay friend of mine fired from their job because he was getting fired from the same company and lashed out at them and told them something that happened at a previous job they had and probably didn't put it on their resume when they were hired. Another friendship lost because of him.

I'm very lucky my family still stands by me while they are abused by him, either through emails, or by ignoring them when they attempt to be civil to him. I'm sure they do it mostly because of the boys. I need my guys to have examples of a 'normal' family relationship and a good and strong male influence in their lives. Obviously they aren't getting it from their father.
I don't want my children to be like that or even to think that's OK to talk like that.