Hi, Im new..dealing with relationship problems, need advice

Hi everyone.  My situation is very lengthy so I apologize from the beginning, however, I really need help with my situation and I do not know what I should do.  Here is some background info before I get into the situation I am dealing with now. I have been dating a girl off and on for about 1 year and 6 months who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  We met at college and she is a year older than me.  When we met this was her first semester back after taking some time off because she went through a manic episode and was hospitalized.  When we met first met and started hanging out things were difficult.  She was very bossy over me and tried to control everything that we did.  If I disagreed with her over an issue she would just walk away from me and I slowly realized that she simply wanted me to chase after her.  Once I realized this I would stop chasing after her and would just walk away and leave.  She would then call me like 5 minutes later asking why I walked away and we would meet back up and hang out like nothing happened.  This continued for a while, but when she realized that I was not going to let her control my actions, this behavior slowed and eventually stopped.  After hanging out for a week or so I remember to this day the special moment we had when she told me "I think that Im falling in love with you."  I was excited but I knew I had much to learn about her.  Eventually she explained to me that she was Bipolar and this did not bother me at all.  I do not judge people based upon things such as that.  Initially during our relationship she was constantly fearful that I was cheating on her or that I had an interest in other girls.  Which was not the case at all, I was falling for her as well and I thought (and still think to this day) that she is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on.  As our relationship progessed I started to notice small subtle things.  If I was ever spending time with other people without her she would get very jealous and very irritable towards me.  I would go days on end hanging out with her from the time we woke up in the morning to the time we went to sleep at night.  But if at any point in time I wanted to spend time with my friends she would get angry.  I admit at first I did not let her hang out with my friends much because I used them as my outlet, my time away from her when I needed a little bit of space.  I guess what I was not taking into consideration was that fact that she did not have many friends at school (since she was a year older and most of her friends had already graduated or moved on).  Eventually I realized my fault and let her hang out with me and my friends and everything improved.  Getting closer to the main point of this entry (even though there is still a little ways to go!), she would disagree with me over an issue and simply cut me off.  She says key words such as, "Im over it", "dont talk to me anymore, I dont want anything to do with you anymore."  When this first started happening I would just move on because that is her decision and I felt like I could not change her mind.  Then eventually either she or myself would give in and start talking to the other again.  This continued for some time, and I began having doubts about the whole relationship.  I found it difficult to invest so much effort and my feelings when I felt like at any time she could just cut me off for whatever reason she deemed worthy.  This is where I made a mistake and started texting/emailing other girls.  I felt like the person I was in love with was almost impossible to predict and I thought maybe it would just be better for me to move on.  Little did I know that when I would return to her she would find ways to look through my cell phone and got my password for my email account and discovered me talking to other people.  This caused I huge dent in our relationship because it seemed to confirm her original thoughts about me being a cheater and a liar.  However, when I have been with her not once have I ever, ever, ever cheated on her.  This on and off again situation would continue.  We would go for months with everything being perfect and there would be a slight misunderstanding in my eyes that she would become incredibly irritable over and she would stop talking to me.  At this point I was madly in love with her and could not bare to stand the thought of her seeing someone else, so when she would end things I would beg for her to come back and I would admit to her being right about the argument even though in some of the cases I felt like her viewpoint was a little off.  It seems she has gained a level of control because I know that if I disappoint her she will just simply stop talking to me and I love her too much to let this happen.  Now we come to my major problem, a problem I need advice on.  She is a French major and has been in France taking classes so she can get the credits she needs to graduate from our college in December.  She has been to France before to take classes a couple years ago (before I met her) and that is where I believe she slipped to a manic state because I believe it was that semester when she returned she had to quit school and was hospitalized.  So understandably, I was a little concerned about her returning to an environment that may cause her to return to that state of mind.  We had a long conversation about her intentions on being in France and she explained that she would remain truthful to me and that she will take care of her business and would just call me when she returned to the US.  Because it would be expensive for us to be talking I expected that I would not hear from her for an entire month.  However, this was not the case.  I spoke with her almost every 3 or 4 days and everything was great.  She was having a good time and she expressed how she missed and loved me.  Now, here is the problem.  She is returning to the US this upcoming Sunday.  I was looking forward to seeing her and was very very excited about hearing about her trip.  Unfortunately, last Thursday I was pulled over and arrested and there is the possibility that I have been charged with a DUI.  I say possibility because I hardly had any alcohol in my system and I think that the cop ended up dropping the charge last moment (I am currently in the process of figuring all of this out with my attorney).  Anyway, the day after it happened I thought it would be responsible for me to call her and tell her the situation...I wanted her to know what happened as soon as it did so that she did not find out about it later.  She did not pick up at first, so I left a message explaining what happened.  She called back later that afternoon saying how irresponsible I was and how childish I was being.  I found this every hypocritical because we have been together multiple times leaving bars after we have been drinking,occasions when she has been driving and times when I have.  I knew that she would be upset but I felt like she would be more sympathetic and would be understanding and be there for me.  Then the following day when I spoke with her she was very abrupt with our conversation and told me to never call or text her again.  I tried to argue with her and explain that it was a mistake and there is the possibility I am not even being charge but she did not want to hear me out.  She said that she does not want to date a criminal and that she wants to date a 'man' not a little 'boy'.  It was a situation that could have happened to anybody and I tried to explain that to her. She basically told me good luck with the situation and told me to never talk to her again.  Now, I have heard this from her before but everytime it has been at school when we were in close proximity to each other and she always ended up calling or talking to me.  I have remained patient and have decided that I should not bother her and if she chooses to I guess I should wait until she contacts me.  I have not talked to her in 5 days, which is tough but I know that this is her last week in France and she will be returning this weekend. I cannot tell if this is a situation where she is really that mad about my DUI or if its more of an issue that she is just really mad right now and she might cool off.  I also have considered the fact that maybe she is hiding something that she has done in France, something that she is not proud of or does not want me to know about, and is using the trouble I got into as an excuse to avoid the discussion we would eventually have.  Should I wait until she returns to the US and give her a call to talk?  All my friends say that the best thing for me to do is to not call her at all, and just wait until she contacts me.  That is what I have been trying to do but my patience is falling.  I guess my biggest fear is if I do not hear from her in a few weeks and I do not attempt to contact her to talk that she may just move on and start trying to see someone else.  I love her so much despite the ups and downs of our relationship.  What should I do?  I am having faith that once she is back home for a week or so she will decide to call me to discuss the situation in more detail.  But Im not sure, and I am getting worried.  I was also considering sending her a simple letter just saying "can we talk?" if I have not heard from her in a few weeks.  But once again many have my friends have advised against that and have said that it will only push her further away.  I feel like she may going through a sort of mania and she has become so irritable and mad that she does not want to talk about something that is only going to anger her, perhaps because of the high she is feeling being in France and having such a great time and she does not want that to be ruined during her last week.  She is making a very rash and quick decision without even discussing it and I have no idea what I should do or not do.  Should I completely wait and see if she contacts me or would it be ok for me to try to call her in a few weeks and try to initiate a friendly conversation?  I have no idea what my next move should be, any advice would be great.  I just dont want to lose her.

Hi Tonyistony,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. I can appreciate not wanting to lose the girl you love. But for now you have to honor her wish that you don't contact her. If you don't hear from her in the week or so after she returns, try again. If she still holds the same line, you're going to have to consider the relationship over. I know that's hard to hear. But I have to tell you -- I doubt it's just about the DUI. It sounds to me like she was just looking for a reason.

2. Bipolar Disorder is not an easy disorder to live with. It sounds like the two of you have had an extremely tempestuous relationship and you're not even out of school yet. Many of the members of this board can tell you what it's like to live with a bipolar spouse. It is rewarding, of course, for many; but for many others, when bipolars are unmedicated and untreated, it can be a real mess. If you two should stay together, I would recommend doing some research on loving someone with bipolar disorder.

3. Don't drink and drive, okay?

Good luck,
serafena

Tonyistony,

I have read both of your posts and I have to agree with the other members. You need to let her go. You are confused and are trying to understand something that us bipolar people can not understand. She may not be manic at all just wanting her space. There is a saying of something like if you let someting go and it comes back to you it was ment to be if it does not return it was never yours. Please I know it is hard but give her her space. Not move on just give her time and if she doesent come back her loss. Sorry could not be more helpfull.

SLZ

Hello Tony,

Welcome aboard here. I want you to know that I have read all of your posts.

In my opinion it sounds like you really love this girl even with her bi-polar, and are starting to understand the ups & downs of this illness.

Bipolar's need a strong support network. They need to be taking their illness seriously and they need to be in close contact with their psychiatrist so that they can be given the necessary medication adjustments when needed.  Is she doing that? 

Also they should be in close contact with a therapist so that they can work out on how they can manage their coping/behavioral issues that can be a strain on them and their relationships.  You've already mentioned some of the not so good behavioral traits that she has. 

With that being said, I hope she is taking care of these issues. If she is committed to these things, which are to be taken very seriously, I suggest that if you plan on trying to stay in a relationship with her, that you get as informed as you possibly can about bipolar disorder. Not only for yourself but so that you too can become an important part of her support network.

You're not married or engaged to her, so this is the perfect time to look at all these issues and her commitment to them before you enter into anything more seriously with her.

You said you have been reading the boards for quite some time. That is a wonderful start because people here are quite candid and honest about their relationships. You get a pretty good picture of what life would be like with someone who is not totally committed to their wellness plan and also how it is still an on going battle for those who are, myself included.

I have been married for a very long time and from what I know now pretty much been bipolar most of my life. I was finally accurately diagnosed about 5 years ago. Life hasn't been pretty, but both my husband and I have stayed committed to my wellness package and most of the time things are good, but it is not always pretty and can be very stressful on both parts.

So, you have a pretty good idea of what to look forward to. You have been given great advise so far so take things slow and see how things pan out.

Stress is a huge trigger and I'm sure your phone call was upsetting to her. I would suggest that you let her be, so that she can enjoy her last days in France without having to deal with your issue.

I think you should let her come home, regroup and then write her a letter letting her know how you feel and that you would like to get together to talk with her and that you will call her in a few days after the letter for her response to that.

It will give her a chance to read it, react to it and then some time to really absorb it and hopefully make the right decision that she feels is best for her. 

Good luck. I wish you both the best.

Tony,

 

Great to hear that she has been comitted to her wellness plan.  With that being said, I would suspect that she probably will be contacting both doctors to resume her appointments right away.  At least I hope so.

 

I would wait at least 1 week before you send the letter.  Use your last paragraph from your last post for some ideas that you should include in the letter like:

 

"I just want to make sure that any actions of mine does not make the situation escalade, I want to give her all the space she wants while at the same time letting her know somehow that I am here for her and I am always willing to offer my love and understanding."

That is a wonderful start.  Well, that's my opinion.  Maybe more will chime in where their opinions.

 

Sincerely wishing you well.