I am not sure if you have insurance or not, but if you do not you can call your local hospital that has a behavior health unit to see if they may know of any clinics you can go to. Or you can call your local welfare office, yes I know that may upset you to ask for help but you are worth it. As for your family situation just keep to yourself and find a happy place to think of when you have those thoughts (yes I know that sounds strange, but it was tought to me by my Thearapist) I had to dig deep down to find that place but it may help in mean time. Good luck.