been a while-what a mess

It's been quite some time since my last post. It's been 10 months since my husband who has bp left me. We still haven't filed for divorce yet...don't know why. He texted me a few times saying he was giving up and couldn't handle things- at the end of his rope. The last text like that was about two months ago. Since then, he has joined AA and has been doing "okay" that I know of. We talk and see each other every now and then.

Last Wednesday, however, he called me and told me what everyone had all feared. My brother-in-law, who is has bp also, tried to kill himself. I saw him a few weeks ago (he and my husband live together now) and his wife had left him. She's not coming back. They have a four-year-old daughter. He had threatened many times before this. His face will be disfigured for life and the reality of his actions and his regret is starting to set in. I'm so scared for him. Apparently he had been planning it. Acting okay in front of everyone, putting up a "peaceful" front. My husband and his father are trying to have him committed because of the fear of what he may do when he's released.

I have to say, it was such a strange feeling being there at the hospital, surrounded by the people who use to be my "family", people who I haven't seen since my husband left (for the millionth and final time). I was not really a part of the family while I was there. Everyone, especially my husband and including my mother-in-law, with whom I use to be so close with, thanked me for being there...seemed so formal....so strange but not surprising. My life has been so calm and different since he left. I have a remorseful thought every now and then but it's over quickly. I've HAD to move forward. My brother-in-law and I had talked right after my husband left. He told me he loved me and my kids and that I needed to move on as my husband was doing so and hopefully I could do it in a healthy way (I got depressed and almost starved to death when my husband just up and left me and disappeared over 3 yrs ago for over 3 months). When I talked to him a few weeks after his wife left, he asked me how I was doing. I told him one day at a time. He said he was doing the same. I guess they had just upped his Lexapro dosage the Friday before.

Anyway, I'm taking my stepson this weekend. He has no mommy (she moved far away from her children). I've been like his mommy for the past six years. He's seen a lot in the last month. Been moved around a lot in the last 10 months. He witnessed my brother-in-law go off the deep end just a couple of weeks ago. My husband's trying to do his best for his son but he has so much on his plate. Hopefully I'll be able to have my little guy a good part of this summer-will get to spend some time with his stepbrothers...

Well, actually, since my husband left, my life has been somewhat peaceful. My mom has bpd and moved in with me and sometimes I feel as though she is sucking the life out of me also but for the most part, I just leave...every weekend. When I feel I'm going to be "pulled" into something, I just leave. Go running, work outside, whatever it takes. It's hard not to feel bad right now because of the drama this week and the fear for my brother-in-law that the surgeons won't be able to ever "fix" the damage that has been done to his beautiful face. Has had two surgeries already. Makes me sad and angry at the same time. It was all such a waste! I wish I could have helped him see that there is life after divorce...that nothing in this world is worth doing something like that to yourself for. Most things, in time, get better and sometimes you just have to ride out the bad spells...