Help in understanding Bipolar wife

Hi, am I in the right place for getting some info on trying to understand a bipolar wife? Needless to say I have the usual spouse questions, as my world has been turned upside down in the last 18 months. So basically just trying to find out more and try and work outr a way to keep my personal pain seperate from supporting my wife, iff you know what i mean. I am a very logical guy and there seems to be so much stuff that doesnt add up, and I think it doesnt add up to her either. anyway, let me know iff im in the right place.

Thanks

Hi, thanks for the reply. To say that the last 18 months has turned my world upside down is an understatement. Will try and cut a long story short. And beleive me its not easy for me to go through this.
Ok, married 17 years three kids, i would say a very happy life, good job never any money troubles.
Ok last xmas out of the blue wife starts saying things like, i need my space, i love you but not in-love with you anymore.
Ok so i do what i think is best and give her space and encourage her to go out, buy her concert tickets for her and a girlfriend, i look after the kids, no problem. Im thinking shes pissed off and iff i give her space it will be ok.
Ok so things escelate, the going out for a drink with her friend and il be in around 12 turns into rolling in a 7am.
things then turn into the "i hate you" "i cant bare to be in the same room as you", "ive never loved you", "marrying you toolk away my chance of being happy" and to the kids "You dont want a mother you want a cleaner"

So by now i am panicking and wandering what is going on. im physically fit but still managed to lose 2 stone in weight over that period.

Mastercard bills start going through the roof, cash withdrawels at odd times, bank account gets drained over a three month period. Bills that she told me she had paid start to come back unpaid. Starts looking for a flat and telling me that I can see the kids every Wednesday. but never actually moves out. Out of the blue wants to have sex with me and sais that "women have needs too"

All of a sudden she starts to calm down again, with no reason that I can see. A freind of ours suggests she might be bipolar. she has been on antidepressants for 3 years cyprelix i think. So she starts calming down and things start coming out of the woodwork. She offered to sleep with a friend of mine, although she sais he said no im not convinced.

Now when we speek of the events (which makes her very uncumfortable) she sais that the person that did and said all of those things seems like a different person to her.

She seems to have a very bad memory of that time, is that a symptom or convenience?

Now I am doing my best to be supportive and understanding, but half of me also sais, be very carefull. I guess I am here trying to understand more, and iff it is the case that she feels like the person that did all of those things was not in her control it must be scary for her. I guess I am rollercoastering between trying to be brave and put everything behind us and other times remembering the hurt and trying to safeguard myself.

At present she has not been to see doctor to diagnose BP, but she is far more exact with her depression meds, we have baught books on BP and I am doing my best to understand it all, she is scared and sais she feels like a freak 

sorry iff this is long and complicated

Thanks for that, just what i needed to hear, I am doing my best with the support thing and as far as the freak comment goes, I have tried to explain to her that its just a chemical imbalance the same way as our friend in diabetic and insulin dependant. Yes I admit, that sometimes im not that strong and the pain she has put me through builds up and i dont have enough heart left to be that supportive. But even then I am learning to go for a drive or get away for 10 mins so that i can readjust.
Just very hard to seperate the personal pain:

To follow on I have some dumb question.

Does what I have written tie in with BP symptoms or am i looking for a scapegoat?

 

Post Edited (coaster550) : 6/22/2009 9:23:24 AM (GMT-6)

Hi coaster550.  I agree with BPWife's adive.  You need to get your wife to see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose her so you can move on with getting her properly medicated.  Counseling is a MUST for both of you. 

 

I too have a husband who is bipolar and joined this forum in December after he had two similar episodes like the ones you describe your wife had recently.  If you love her, you will see her through this.  It is very painful and very draining emotionally and physically.  Living with someone who is bipolar is not easy, but with A LOT of hard work on both ends, it's do-able.  

 

Good luck.

-Whyus 

Thanks again for all your posts, She is going to see her GP this week to get a refereral. Will keep you posted

Ok, all happening faster than I thaught, Wife has been to see GP today who has refered her to a psycholagist, wife sais she feels better for taking some action and better news is that psycholagist office is 5 mins from where we live.

Thanks allot for that, sounds stupid but it really helps getting a bit of moral support on here. And yes my wife organised the appointment herself today and also spoke to her GP at length and on the referal note it sais suspected BP. There is another little hurdle we have had to cross and that is we live abroad and although we speak the local language talking about something so intimate in a foriegn language can be a bit stressfull in itself, however psycolagist apparently has a good grasp of English so that should help too. My wife came to see me in work today to tell me about events and also said that she was worried about going on medication, she had some difficulty with cyprelex at first. I told her that whatever she gets subscribed we will ask you lot on here about and get some feedback so that she is more informed. And on a good note, although i am not the one with BP, I feel much happier in myself having this forum to write on rather than going over things in my mind and analyzing things into a hole.......................So thanks

Welcome coaster....your wife taking the initiative to check out what is going on is a good sign. That is the first and hardest step sometimes, just agreeing that there is something wrong. Being correctly diagnosed is the firlst step, and then getting onto the right medication would be second. I was diagnosed as bipolar while in a similar situation to your wife. I had been on only anti-depressants for 2 years. THis cause my mania to go through the roof. I was then correctly diagnosed and put on a mood stabilizer.
Therapy would also be good for both of you at this time. It is going to take it to help you get through the beginning stages of being diagnosed bipolar. It is trial and error as far as finding the correct medication.
But it sounds like your wife is off to a positive start.

Well coaster....a lot of what you have written about your wife's actions...could have been written by my husband. A lot of what I did does not make sense, it doesn't even make sense to me now looking back. I am also fairly intelligent, was always a straight A student, etc. But the choices I made as far as spending, were just stupid.
My husband is very "black and white", so bipolar for him is very confusing. For him everything must have a definite answer. So excusing a lot of actions because of a disease was very foreign to him. But once he learned about the disorder more, went with me to therapy appointments, and most importantly when I started to take responsibility for taking care of the bipolar...he was able to see.

I spent, and then hid the bills. I was taking money out of a money market account to cover up the spending on the credit cards...I ended up depleting that account. I opened additional credit card accounts in both of our names. Everything was very illogical. Especially the thought process that makes you believe that no one will notice at some point. So it might be wise for you to run a credit check on both of you to start taking care of any damage before it gets out of hand.

I was also taken off of all accounts. It was hard at first, but now I rather like not having to pay the bills and balance the check book. After a while my husband did allow me to open a savings account, and every month he puts in some money, so that I can still feel like an adult, go to fast food if I want, or go to the grocery for a last minute item needed for dinner, etc.

I hope your wife continues looking forward, to help her start living a better life. I tell you it is horrible to be in her shoes. Trust me, she does not want to be this harmful and hurtful. Regret and guilt go hand in hand for a person with bipolar.

Just wanted to say, I really appreciate that you have all taken the time to reply. It is a great help for me to get "neutral" opinions. I too am a Black and white or realistic person so all of this has been a mental strugle for me. I have done the analyzing, trying to work out iff its just a case of her having a mid life crisis and being bored of husband and then i get upset, then i start to think of things that dont add up in that scenario and i feel sorry for her being ill, so it is a roller coaster ride for me too.
As far as the money goes, she went through our savings and got in debt in the bank, but i covered that and had her locked out of the accounts so that got controled before it got out of hand. Now I show her every bill and wage slip and show her what "we" are doing with the money.
I remembered some other, what I consider to be "odd" events: She had loads of unpaid speeding fines hidden away even a fine because she bumped a parked car and didnt report it.
We had a new house built for us three years ago, a lovely house fully fitted and finished.................during her "episode" she said she hated the house and never liked it............Now that she is not in an episode she loves the house and sais she always has.

Anyway. Tuesday 8.30 is appointment with Psycholagist, She asked me what i thaough its going to be like as she is nervous. I dont really know either but i said that i thaught it would be allot of talking and it will take time for psycholagist to get to know her and the things she has been feeling, I also know it is going to be hard for her as she gets very uncomfortable talking about last year and sais that it doesnt feel real.

And yes I do love my wife very much and when things are not in the "Twilight Zone" we are the best couple ever

Coaster,
Glad to see that you got the appointment taken care of. That's probably one of the hardest parts - getting started. I don't know what exactly is going to happen at that appointment as every therapist is different. But, I would assume that the first couple of sessions would consist of telling the therapist what happened in the past. Are you going with your wife? If so, you can perhaps explain what happened in the past year. You said that your wife doesn't like talking about it because it doesn't feel real. Say that too! It might help her therapist understand where she's coming from.

But, not to sound like a broken record...you should also speak with a therapist on your own. Your needs are different from your wife's. Going to therapy with her is fantastic. I wish my husband would let me come to one of his sessions (he's just started so hopefully soon he will) so I can learn more about his needs.

I too had cut off my husband from all money and am slowly letting him have some more control. We had a long talk about how much comes in, how much goes out and how much is left over. Like you, I still pay all the bills but now I show him what they are when they come in. I tell him about every check I write and we talk about our balance about once a week or so. Money is one of the main reasons couples fight and when you through in a BP spouse, chances are that you'll fight more than other couples. My husbands pdoc even said to him that it isn't uncommon for the non BP spouse to handle all of the money. Just give her a little on her own so she feels like she has some money to do with as she pleases (new shoes, a manicure, etc.).

Since your wife seems to want to get better and that she has the support of a man who truly loves her, you guys are lucky. Keep supporting her through this - she needs it. Also, keep finding out about the condition; the more you know and understand it, the better it will be for both of you.

I know what you're going through. It's tough but you can do it!

BPWife

Thanks for the reply...............I think I may be allot like your husband as fas as Black and White.........Its one of the reasons I came here..........Its easy for me to think "she doesnt give a crap about you" that is black and white, like you say, there are so many events that dont fall into a clear category for me that have made me look at the possiblity of grey, and then i sometimes panick and think that I am making excuses for her actions.
We talked a bit last night, not that she likes talking about it, and still the main thing she sais is that it feels like it was someone else. I also showed her this forum and the replies people had given and she said that it was wierd for her because it was like I was writing about someone else and someone elses life.

For me I think the main thing now is that she is honest with Doc, I am not going to first appointment as I dont want to appear "controlling" but i want to go to some afterwards basically to make sure that she is letting it all out, which I know is very hard for her. Now im hoping that she likes the Doc as that will make a big difference too

Whyus...wel in my situation it was kind of fast and blunt. I had just let my husband know about all I had done and he told me I have to be taken off or he was leaving. Luckily in my case my mother works at the bank so she was able to bring the needed paper work to our house for me to sign. I basically had to sign papers giving permission for me to be taken off of all the accounts.

A few months later my husband let me open a savings, which he always makes sure I have money in, and that he can check the activity on whenever he wants.

He also put a fraud watch on ours and childrens' credit. So if anyone tried to open an account in any of our names he would be notified.

You can bring up the subject during a joint therapy session if you want, or during a calm moment between the two of you. But you must expect some anger or hurt feelings from him. To be an adult, but be forced to have no control over your families finances is very hard and humbling. But in the case where money is involved...especially to the point where you might lose a home, I think it is a necessity.

I cried so hard sitting at my dining room table signing all of those papers...mainly because it was embarrassing that it had come to that point, I felt guilty, etc. It was hard.