i think i'm bipolar II and i don't know where to start

this is entirely new to me, thinking of myself in this way. i'm 30 now and i'm fairly sure i've been dealing with this condition for 10 years. i didn't even know this classification existed until a few days ago. i have always shrugged at depression and bipolar info because it just didn't fit. now i start reading about bipolar II and it's basically me up and down.

i can plot it out on a calendar. for the last year, every two to three weeks i cycle up and down. it has gotten so i know when it's going to happen. now, that may be a self-fulfilling prophecy too, who knows? but it's so real. and the ups are not manic, they feel GREAT. when i'm up, i think i can handle the lows if the highs keep coming back like this. then i get down (as i am now) and i look at my money situation and my job situation and everything i've committed to for the last two weeks and i can't possibly do it all, let alone a tiny piece of it.

i'm so scared. i'm in a very low phase right now. couldn't leave the apartment all day. i have an appointment to be evaluated in a week and a half and i'm seeing a therapist, but that's all new to me too and not helping the rest of the time. my life has fallen apart around me in the last two years. my finances are a disaster, my relationships are strained and foreign, i just moved back to los angeles after being gone for two years and i feel like an alien here.

it's all so chaotic and so confusing, i don't know where to start and how to begin again. i know i need to, but i feel completely helpless in this current state.

AND i am terrified of medication. i don't like taking medication for ANYTHING. a diagnosis and commitment to this means medicating the rest of my life? i just don't know if i can handle that.

then i have my psychologist friends warning me about the field of psychiatry and strongly urging me to just "talk it out." which i'm trying, but frankly feels lightweight compared to what i'm dealing with.

i know this is just an internet forum, but i was comforted by some of the things i read on here. can anyone give any advice on how to deal in the short term? i just don't know what to do. i feel like someone hijacks my body and brain every two weeks and forces me to hate all that i am and have done.

sorry for the caps, just being lazy.

To start with, just know you are not alone and we are here for you. It sounds very much like bipolar type 2. I know your friends have given you all these warnings, but they may not know exactly what is best for you. Sometimes it takes time to accept that you have this disorder. So it may take time. Medication may be your only option if this is going to cost you your life or well being. You can do this, hang in there. I am a 31 year old female with three kids. I know how hard the stuggle can be to maintain relationships. The people who truly love you will hang in there too. Don't think of the medication as the  rest of your life, think of it as one day at a time. I would recommend you get a mood chart and chart your moods daily. Then take this to your doctor. If you are not completely satisfied with that doctor get a second opinion, and a third. It took about 2 years to get my meds right for me. On medicaton I feel so much better. I had mostly depression. It really hurts. Give it a chance. You may want to try a mood stabilizer first with your doc. Lamictal is what I use. It has been so helpful to me. I also take Ablify. I have heard so many people speak highly of it as do I. Again, hang in there and let us know how you are doing...

Hi born2run78,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. It's good you've found us. We're glad you're here.

This can all feel so overwhelming to start off -- it's overwhelming when you're in the middle of it too, so we're all with you there. I know you're eager to find out more about bipolar, and I'll get there in a minute, but first let me urge you to get a proper diagnosis from a psychiatrist before you freak out too much. Bipolar looks and acts like several other personality and mental disorders, and only a professional is well qualified to tell them apart. So don't rely just on your reading, as much as it may seem perfect (and you know, it may be). I hope your appt goes well.

Two years seems like a long time, but when you're talking about a disorder you're going to have for the rest of your life, it's a drop in the bucket. The medications HELP, they are necessary, in my opinion, but they don't make the symptoms disappear. And they don't work forever. They work for a while, and then they'll need to be adjusted. So you'll still need to play with your medications, even once you're "stable". You'll still have mood swings once you're medicated. It's just a fact of life. They haven't made a perfect drug yet. There are so many different medications because no one drug works for everyone, so often it is a matter of trial and error to find one that works, so you have to be strong and hold on while you find one that helps make the pain lift. And it is scary to think of being medicated for the rest of your life. I certainly hate it. But it is truly SO much better than going it alone. So if you turn out to be bipolar, give that some serious thought. There is a drug out there -- and you will find it -- that will stop the swinging.

Unfortunately, you can't "talk out" bipolar. It's a medical condition. Tell your friends they're silly. That's like telling someone to talk out their broken arm. It requires medical care.

I hope that's helpful. Stick around. Tell us how your appointment goes. In the meantime, try to limit your stress level and get regular sleep. Those are two of the biggest triggers for bipolars.

serafena

Hello:

I have just descovered the same Bi-Polar II after many years of symptoms. At least now I know.

My family never understood when I was yound=g and always acted as though I was deliberately being "bad".

I take Celexa now with few side effects but have discovered that heathcare plans descriminate against you for this.

I too cycle because of a triggering event about every 2 weeks although reading and understanding and meds help to

explain it all it doesn't help the feels of being out of control. Unable to explain that I am not being bad, that I

can shut up and control the words, but am labeled bad for that too. I am not that perfect normal a partner would want.

Always taking care of everything making no waves, calm and in control even in the face of a family suicide. Being emotion

just isn't done in our family and I have always been an abnormality. It gives me a sense of normalacy knowing I am not alone out there.

Karen

I would like to reiterate what everyone else has said...bipolar is a medical condition and requires medication.  I tried 2 mood stabilizers before I found geodon and now I woundn't think of not taking it.  My husband would crawl on his hands and knees to the pharmacy to get me a refill (lol).  Bipolars have the up and down cycles and racing thoughts and that is what the mood stabilizer is for.  Good luck to you.

I feel as though born2run78 was reading my mind. I am a 31 year old mother of two who is pretty certain that I have Bipolar II. Bipolar disorder runs thick in my family as well as ADHD and my new Dr recently diagnosed me with ADHD, and I can see that but I think either he was wrong or that I also have BPII, which I know is more common than most realize. After my 1 hour appt, that cost me $295 that we totally don't have, I really felt it was not enough time to cover everything to give me an accurate diagnosis, not to mention it was totally during my "happy, things could be much worse" phase of the month. So now that I am down and angry and frustrated I don't know what to do. I actually thought I was fine yesterday, then I lashed out today like a crazy person so maybe not. I too am terrified of medication and I am ridiculously sensitive to side effects, although I know they are my only option. I think I have known for a long time that it was BPII, but because I hoped so much that it wasn't I was in denial. But now that I have two little ones I can no longer run. I am scared and I want to find me again and I hope that the journey won't be too hard. Just a little lost and in need of a little direction.

I have insurance, but unfortunately getting in with a Psychiatrist who accepts it takes months and this doc came highly recommended, so i went. He prescribed me adderall, and although reluctant, I took it, and at first it wasn't bad, but then it took me through a world wind of emotions. It was awful. I called him for a reevaluation but it would be another $100 for 15 min. I mean seriously it is as if they are setting you up for failure. The mental health system in Texas is just like one big cruel joke. 15 min to decide both a diagnosis and which medicine is correct for me, seriously?!

I am totally right there with you guys!  Newly diagnosed as Bipolar II.  Started Lamictal three weeks ago, but since it takes a while for it to even start to work, and I am off my prozac, it's like I am going crazy.  Right now I stay at home with my two children (5 and 3) and it drives me insane. 

I am up and down constantly! I too feel like I need something to change now before everything completely falls apart but have to wait for meds to kick in and not bad enough to warrant checking myself in.

It's very frustrating!