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Posted 7/15/2009 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hey folks,

Well, the depression I wrote about a few weeks ago has only deepened and I've been on and off suicidal for the last week. Last night I scared my husband badly enough that he was ready to take me to the hospital. I talked him out of it (for a little while) by calling my therapist, my doctor, and my inlaws (my M-i-l is a therapist). My doc was unavailable so I left a message. (One of the problems I've been dealing with is that my pdoc, who I've been seeing for 6 years, is leaving. So I've been looking for a new one and it's not something I'm handling very well.) My mother-in-law suggested we come down to their house. We were planning to visit them this coming weekend anyway, but she thought that if we came early I'd have the benefit of distraction, there would be more eyes to keep an eye on me so my husband wouldn't be so overwhelmed, and I'd have more people to talk to. So we agreed to do that. When I talked to my therapist, she seemed to think it was an okay idea, but she really wanted me to go to the hospital instead.

So the sum total is that I'm in St. Louis, horribly depressed, trying my hardest not to be suicidal, and out of the hospital for now. My M-i-l arranged for me to see a psych she knows here in town just to get a second opinion. If I'm not better when we get home, I will probably go to the hospital.

My pdoc finally called me back today around dinnertime, and upped the dosage on my Fluvox. We'll see if that helps.

Please be friendly to one another on the board as I may not be as available as I am when I'm at home. I'll try and check in every day. You guys are great.

Love,
serafena
Posted 7/15/2009 5:47 AM (GMT 0)
cry  Oh serafena,

I'm so sorry to hear how you have been feeling!  I wish you could feel the big warm hug that I am sending out to you!

(((Hugs))) hold that warm feeling close to your heart and know that I mean that with all sincerity.

I know it is difficult for you to think clearly right now but please know that you can't give in and make this all about you.  Your husband and children and family all need you and would be devastated without you for a lifetime and you wouldn't want that.  I know that is hard to swallow when all you want to and need to do is focus on yourself right now but the truth is we DO NEED to focus on those that would be left behind and how if would affect them for a lifetime as well.

I wrote something a while back and it goes like this...

"my breathing is fast,

my heart pounds hard,

my head it aches,

and my mind is at race.

i focus and sit still,

hoping the end will soon be near.

im tired, i'm weak…

sometimes i just want to scream!

my moods they're way up and high

and sometimes they're low…low to the ground,

mind is racing and still won't quit,

help me Lord before i slip!

i wish this pain would go away,

but i know i have to live and let it stay.

i'm not doing this for me you see,

i'm living for you,

so you will be free,

not like me… wrapped up in this insanity!"

                                                                  ~sk~

I'm glad that you will be staying with your MIL. I'm sure we can all pull together around here to help keep things afloat for a while.  But we need you too...so many of us depend on your words of wisdom!

I will be sending positive thoughts your way.  Don't worry about applying to any posts for now.  Focus on taking care of yourself and we all would want to help in that, so maybe you can give us updates on JUST HOW YOU ARE DOING!   (((Big Warm Hugs)))

~sukay~ sad

Posted 7/15/2009 2:12 PM (GMT 0)
Good Morning Serafena,

 

I just wanted to let you know that I came on here this morning just to see if you had replied to this message.  I do hope you get it.  I am so worried about you and want to send my love to you. sad

 

Serafena I want you to know that I have been through this before too.  Something I want to share with you...

 

When my mother died suddendly at such a young age it left a terrible effect on me.  I later went into therapy because I just wasn't the same person anymore and couldn't cope.

 

My father was left just as devasted and was depressed for the rest of his life.  He could not move forward as well.

 

Nine years later my father became very ill and I helped care for him.  When he died, I was devasted as well even though my whole family saw it coming.

 

To this day I am really messed up.

 

I want you know that I know how much you hurt right now.  I thought about the same things that you are probably thinking right now but....I thought,...Gosh...I can't even DO THAT without having to worry AGAIN about everyone else.   (Those that we leave behind).  Why can't I just DO what I NEED TO DO...without having to worry about how it would effect everyone else.  (I think you know what I am talking about).

 

That is when I wrote the other piece in my previous post.

The deaths of my parents plus living with bipolar have me still living in insanity!

 

If I called it quits that is the exact same place that I would leave my husband and children as well.  I know doing something that serious would absoutely leave them living in their insanity like I am.

 

I can't do that to them!  So yes...like the poem says... 

i'm not doing this for me you see,

i'm living for you,

so you will be free,

not like me… wrapped up in this insanity!"

(((Hugs))) Please know that I am thinking of you!~sukay~
Posted 7/15/2009 7:59 PM (GMT 0)
Sukay,

Thank you so much. Your posts have me in tears. I know you're absolutely right. I know my family would be devastated, just as I would be as I lost one of them. And part of what is hitting me so hard right now is the death of my father 3 months ago. But when I'm in the moment it just seems like they would be so much better off without me as a weight around their necks. I know you understand what I mean. I know that's crazy talk, but that's just how it feels.

I love your poem. I'm so touched that you cared enough to come check on me this morning. Thank you thank you. I'm doing a little better today. My F-i-law and I took my daughter to the butterfly house this morning. There were thousands of butterflies and it was so gorgeous and peaceful. I'm hanging in there. I'm not giving up yet.

serafena
Posted 7/16/2009 4:19 AM (GMT 0)

(((Hugs))) serafena,

I'm glad today is a little better for you. How wonderful that your FIL took you and your daughter to the butterfly house this morning. What a wonderful way to start your day.

I hope that helped re-energize you some, surrounded by all the grace and beauty and peacefulness that the butterfly emits. I hope that you too will be able to emerge from your cocoon and fly bright and free like the butterfly in all its beauty.

Every trial makes us stronger. May your higher power continue to carry you through with butterfly wings.

Love, ~sukay! blush

Posted 7/16/2009 11:40 PM (GMT 0)
Serafena, I just joined and don't know you. I want you to know that it was in reading some of your wise, strong, good-hearted posts that I recognized this was what I was looking for and decided to join this community. I am so glad you have a great support network. Hang on tight.
Posted 7/17/2009 2:07 PM (GMT 0)

 

A

 

 

FLOWER

 

 

 

DELIVERY

 

 

 

(((hugs)))

 

 

 

Thinking of you Serafena

and

Wishing You Wellness
Posted 7/17/2009 6:56 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Aiming for Serenity and Sukay. I really appreciate your support. You're absolutely right, AIS, this is what we do best. We're here for each other.

I'm doing okay, going to see a new psych today. I'll let you all know how it goes.

(((Big hugs)))
serafena
Posted 7/18/2009 12:35 AM (GMT 0)

Hey serafena,

Wow, the lows must be goin' around.  I am about an inch above where you are, sinking closer.  While I can barely type any of this right now, it is important for you to know how much I am thinking of you through this.  I've said this before, but you've been through a lot recently, and I wish none of it happened.  But you are strong and you can get through this.

While I am feeling what you are feeling in this very moment, I am thinking back to my bp support group and all the things I need to be doing right now battling these symptoms.  So, I am going to say, do soothings things for yourself, take a bath, take a walk (you are so lucky you have your MIL...I am totally alone in this right now....sorry this isn't about me, but I just want you to lean on your support that you have there b/c without it this would be so much harder).  Try to distract yourself, surround yourself with people, best not to be alone.  So glad you went to see pdoc today, I hope that went well.  This will pass, I promise.  Until then, remember we are all here hangin' in with ya.

Many, many hugs to you and a smiley face! :-)

PS, Sukay your posts touched me as well.

Posted 7/19/2009 2:19 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry you are going through such a bad time right now serafena. I hope being at your in laws has been a good thing, and not added more stress.

I hope the visit with a pdoc down there gives you some answers. I hate to hear of anyone being in that deep depression. It is a scary place to be. One thing you must remember is that you are very important to a lot of people. You may think very little of yourself right now..but if something were to happen, it would ruin a lot of lives. Your husband would be devastated and your children would never be the same.

I know you have been in a dark depression before...as most of us have. But you have also been on the other side, where you have hope and happiness, and you can see the joy through even the hard times. Try and remember that, that soon your meds will be regulated and you will start to feel the good stuff again.

Take advantage of having extra family around and let them take over. And take good care of yourself.
Posted 7/19/2009 4:09 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Mogli and Mommy.michele. You both mean so much to me. I really appreciate the encouragement and the time you take writing me. I hope you feel better soon too, Mogli. This is hell. Let's get out of it as soon as we can.

The psych visit was really helpful. He identified about 15 things which were causing me anxiety (among them that my old psych is leaving and has been really flaky and unresponsive for the past 6 months, and also, obviously, my father dying.) He didn't like the combo of drugs I was on, but didn't want to change them, since I would be switching to another, permanant doctor at home soon, so he left them alone. But he did put me back on Abilify, which I'd been on awile ago and taken off of for no clear reason, and he upped my Lorazepam dosage and told me to take it 2ce a day as needed. He really wants me to take it 2ce a day, too, he said I need a lot of help with anxiety right now.

So that's my story. I really liked him. I wish I could take him back to Indiana with me. But the good thing is that it sort of made me less afraid to try someone new when I get home. I have 2 lined up when I get back. One in July, and one in October!

I'll let you know how the med changes go. Thanks for your kindnesses everybody. Take care.

(((hugs)))
serafena
Posted 7/21/2009 6:57 AM (GMT 0)
Wishing you wellness Serafena. Really missing your smiling, welcoming and knowledgeable posts around here. You really do an awesome job!

But we will hold the fort down, because we really want you to take all the time you need to heal.

Please keep us posted of your progess. I think of you daily!

((Hugs)) ~sukay~
Posted 7/21/2009 5:12 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much Sukay, I really appreciate you picking up the slack for me while I've been gone. It's absolutely fantastic of you. I'm home again now, so hopefully I'll be better able to get on the board regularly. Taking the lorazepam in the morning (he wants me to take it 2ce a day now) knocks me out so I'm falling asleep in the morning, but less anxiety, for sure. :-) I can't wait to get to a permanent psych.


Anyway, I hope you're doing well too. Thanks again for all your help. It is MUCH appreciated!!!!

serafena
Posted 7/23/2009 3:03 PM (GMT 0)
Serafena, and anyone else who is where you are right now (hint, hint....Mogs!   I don't care what you are "feeling" it is time to use your "override" controls and simply remove that option from the table.  You know I had a dear friend of mine in January do exactly what you are both saying.  I have NO doubt that she was feeling EXACTLY what you are, only she didn't stop herself.  Be proud that you are taking the steps you are to ensure your safety, but remove that option from your table.  You are welcome to "FEEL" that way (as your bp is rearing its head....it is JUST a symptom and does not need to be given more power than that), but create the action of HOSPITAL verses suicide in your mind when those feelings come.  REPLACE the thoughts by saying to yourself....,”AH...I am feeling suicidal - I need to take myself to the hospital...NOW,”...Then PASS GO…collect your $200 and GO STRAIGHT THERE....   While I am not bp, I too am in a very dark hard place right now.  I need to get away from my job and for the first time in my life am experiencing anxiety attacks, chest pains, shortness of breath, poor coping skills...etc....and stress at a levels beyond my ability to control.  Very unlike me.  I see a pdoc today and will probably go out on disability for work related stress due to my bosses abuse.  I share this only to let you know I DO understand your struggles right now, to share you are not alone, and remind you we will ALL get through this if we put one foot in front of the other and just take the steps one at a time to gain either the help we need, or take the healthy actions required.  Then, like walking through a swamp....we will get to the other side, dust ourselves off, and take a deep breath and then we will keep going but outside the muck, the sun will shine, the birds will sing….yada-yada   HANG IN THERE....let the butterflies float away your troubles and keep holding on to your daughter.  ANY action you do is what you teach your daughter...let her ALWAYS learn the right way to handle ANY problem or FEELING in her life...hold on to loved ones, reach out when you need help, accept the help, and learn to trust yourself no matter what to keep you safe and show her that no problem is unsolvable - there is a brighter day that will always come.  Just like you are doing.  Because otherwise all she learns is to give up when times are tough.  And times, bp or not, will always get tough in life.  She will always then think that suicide is a perfectly acceptable option....which of course it is not.  Once that cruel line is crossed, it can't be taken back, the damage is done to her, and if you notice....once Pandora’s box is opened in a family....through their history....you will see that many families have endured more than one incident of this because the message is - give more power to your FEELINGS than your ACTIONS.  The problem is....FEELINGS come and go....results from ACTIONS don't.  They can sometimes be corrected, but once an action is done, it is done.    BIG HUGS TO YOU SERAFENA...BREATHE....Keep on doing it right!  LFW
Posted 7/23/2009 4:32 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much LFW. I promise I am trying SO HARD to make the actions stronger than the feelings. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes the feelings are so strong and so real and so convincing. But I see a new pdoc today and my husband has totally taken control of my treatment. I will get better. I will. The hospital is not off the table yet. I know what you say is true. One step at a time and I get better. Thank you for the encouragement. And take some for yourself.

(((love)))
serafena
Posted 7/23/2009 7:34 PM (GMT 0)
Serafena, I am so proud of you. And believe me, I UNDERSTAND that the feelings can seem SO big and REAL and POWERFUL. But keep training yourself....when you feel suicide, then say "go to hospital" to yourself. Eventually, suicide thoughts will lead in thoughts to go to hospital, verses negative actions. You just need to keep training your brain. The chemicals are off, hospital can get them on again....make a mantra....suicide-chemicals off-feelings not real-go to hospital-reach out. Now keep repeating this mantra when the feelings are so strong and while you may not "feel" better, you will know you are safe and your reality is that taking those actions are off the table of choices.

One step at a time and we will both find the light again. ALWAYS remember, feelings come and go, actions don't. Hugs, LFW
Posted 7/23/2009 8:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi. i dont think ive ever spoken to u b4 but i was compelled to do so now! amen to what "loving frustrated wife" said, as well as the others who reponded to your post. i became bi-polar a few years ago. i also have several chronic illnesses. im constantly in pain and am unable to do most things with my friends and family. i cant say ive been exactly where u r but i have thought that my family would be better off without me. that it absolutely not true. my death would devastate my family for the rest of their lives just as yours would you. i once heard about something suicide hotlines often tell their callers. maybe it will be of some help to u. their goal is to try to convince the caller to at least wait until the next morning to act on their feelings. then they ask the caller to call them back in the morning. the experts know that things almost always seem worse at night. i hope that doesnt sound stupid or too obvious. i just wanted you to know that a complete stranger cares about u and your family. YOU. YOU matter. it sounds like u have a calling to help people because of how many people u have obviously helped through this site.
Posted 7/23/2009 8:18 PM (GMT 0)
hi. its me again. i wasnt quite finished but my computer froze, so i sent what i had already typed. i was afraid i might lose it. i call tell you r cared about and loved by so many people. if only u could feel that way about yourself. i dont know about your religious beliefs, but id like to qoute one of my favorite quotes from the Bible. please dont b offended. "Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning". Psalms 30 verse 5
Posted 7/23/2009 9:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there, seraphena, and you can ignore my question in the other thread about how you are doing - duh - I came here to see how you are doing.

I'm so glad you had a helpful experience with the pdoc near your in-laws and hope today's appt goes well. Let us know how it goes.

Give your husband my thanks -- he is helping all of us here by caring for you. I'm and so glad he is there for you.
Posted 7/25/2009 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
tongue   yeah   turn tongue yeah turn tongue yeah turn tongue yeah turn tongue yeah turn tongue turn tongue

~Happy Day~

 

Thinking of You

 

and

 

Hoping You Will Have One!

 

smurf      blush      smurf
Posted 7/26/2009 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
Sukay, you make my day! Today was my daughter's 4th birthday party. So it was quite festive here. Streamers and cake and all that good stuff. One of these days I'll post a picture. Her birthday isn't until Monday actually, but obviously it's better to have the party on the weekend.

I'm not doing so well. I wasn't crazy about the new psychiatrist though he was okay. I'll keep looking for another one. But in the short term I'm actually going in the hospital. I needed to be out for Rosa's party and birthday, obviously. I couldn't miss those things -- she needs her mother for those things -- but Monday evening or hopefully Tuesday morning I'm checking myself in for extreme depression. I need the extra help, I need to get my SEVEN meds sorted out, I need a break. I'm exhausted and I just want to rest. We'll see what happens. So, I'll be gone part of next week gang. I'll clue the other mods in, so hopefully some other mods will be checking in for spam-eating. Just be nice to each other (you always are.) I love you guys. (Awwww.)

serafena
Posted 7/26/2009 6:02 AM (GMT 0)
Serafena, I am so proud of you for taking the right action for yourself. YOU ROCK! You are brave and you set a fabulous example to all who are coping with BP like you. Keep staying true to yourself and keep moving forward. The sun will be out soon my friend....LFW
Posted 7/27/2009 7:27 PM (GMT 0)

Serafena,

I'm really sorry for all that you are going through but I totally understand that you need to do what you need to do.

I'm glad that you are going to get the help that you need.

I will keep positive thoughts for you the whole time you are away.

(((BIG HUGS)))  Take care and I hope this all works out well for you.  I will miss you but I know that you will be on the road to healing!

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