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Posted 8/31/2009 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
One of my concerns as a (soon to be ex) spouse of a person with bipolar is that the postings by spouses and SOs on this board can be quite harsh at times. This board doesn't get a lot of activity, and I wonder if its due to people getting offended by comments that come out so harshly due to the pain that is felt by the poster.

Perhaps we could be more understanding that, while we are feeling pain, our comments on this board can be seen as attacks by the people suffering from the disorder.

For friends and family, there are other sites with boards specifically for the people like us who are trying to support our partners and family members. I don't know if its allowed to say which, but if so ... mdjunction and dailystrength have active Friends and Family of BP boards.
Posted 8/31/2009 6:30 PM (GMT 0)
ImDealing,
Thanks for the reminder about being more gentle with people.
Navy
Posted 8/31/2009 11:38 PM (GMT 0)
Absolutely.

While I try to remind people that every single person who has this disorder is different, sometimes the nastiness sneaks through. If anything in specific is bothering you (this goes for everyone!) just email me.

serafena
Posted 9/1/2009 1:23 AM (GMT 0)
I've noticed several that scare the daylights out of me, being new to the diagnosis. My most recent hypomanic episode wasn't too bad, compared to some, but I'm scared of what COULD happen, and how my husband will feel and if he'll want to leave me.
Posted 9/2/2009 4:56 AM (GMT 0)

yeah, there are a lot  more posts of family members trying to cope with spouses that have bipolar than posts from people that suffer from bipolar illness themselves. 

I know we all learn from one another but I wonder if that is what keeps the person who has bipolar hesitant from seeking help by posting here too?

Posted 9/3/2009 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
i post in here too, but I do feel like I am defending myself sometimes. Also, the thought that I could one day do what some of these others have done frightens me.
Posted 9/4/2009 4:19 AM (GMT 0)
The sense I get from reading these comments is that this is not the right place for relatives and friends of people with BP to share their feelings, stories, and struggles, because doing so may deter people with BP from feeling welcome. If that is the case, I think it should be made clearer as soon as someone accesses the site. It is true that the needs of people with BP and those of the spouses/partners/friends/relatives are probably different, and it may be that they're incompatible. It certainly has been the case that, as the spouse of a BP husband, I've found several posts from people with BP about their spouses to be off-putting (if not scary), so the same could very well be true in reverse. Perhaps as a community, you might want to set clearer guidelines and expectations. I am not planning to come back after reading this discussion. I will find a more suitable place, as has been suggested. Others might want to be forewarned, before they invest emotional resources in the community here.
Posted 9/4/2009 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
As the person who started the post, my intent was to suggest that we need to be more cognizant of the effect our words can have on each other. I am the spouse (stbx) of a person with bp. I apologize if anyone felt that they were being driven away by what I thought was just a "remember that everyone has feelings" kind of post.

I know that I sometimes feel such frustration that when I post, that I say things that probably cross the line into a trigger for someone with BP. I know I've read comments about spouses from bp suffers on other sites that are downright offensive.

It is possible that there needs to be two groups on the site, one for suffers of the disorder, and one for those who support them. The only issue I see is that this site is driven based upon specific diseases and conditions.

Perhaps the rules should have a more specific "be nice" section, and we should all re-read the rules periodically.
Posted 9/4/2009 4:40 PM (GMT 0)
Imacat,

You are mistaken -- you are very welcome here. As far as HealingWell is concerned, this is a board for talking about ALL aspects of BP. But we do ask for respect of the people who suffer from the disorder. It's no place for bashing, which I don't believe is a problem you've ever had.

serafena
Posted 9/4/2009 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
I happen to like the postings of both BP sufferers and spouses or family of. I do not think I would get as much out of this forum if all that was posted were the troubles and questions of fellow BP sufferers. Hearing of the problems from spouses, and even their questions has enlightened me a bit more to the struggles of my husband.

By being a part of this forum, most times I feel less alone in my struggle. I am able to see that there are others also suffering...some with more prominent struggles, some with less. There are many who have already been where I am in this struggle and hearing their stories of struggle and triumph is what keeps me going in the low times.

When I post a vent about trouble with my husband...I value the responses from the spouses as much as those with BP. My husband is a lot more closed off than some, so it helps me see what he may be thinking or going through. This in turn gives me more of an incentive to take care of myself and to watch my moods...as now I see how even the little things can affect him.
Some spouses have spoken of things that their BP wives or husbands have done and I have thought "Oh my gosh...I have done that." and sometimes I realize just how much my hubby puts up with...God love him!

I think the moderators do an excellent job of accommodating both sides. In a large forum like this you are bound to have those who just can not take much criticism...or those who are touchy to more than others. There is really no way to please everyone. Just feel it out, see if this type of forum works for you. And if not there are many others which may more suit your needs. I am sure there are many for only spouses, and many for only BP sufferers. But I can not help but believe that we both would learn a lot more from hearing from each other and working on understanding and self-realization.

I wish my husband would be more computer savvy so he could be a part of a site like this. I think he could learn so much more about the struggle I go through inside. Probably learn a lot of things that he would never even think of. And maybe help him feel less alone in his role as a spouse of a BP sufferer.
Posted 9/4/2009 10:12 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for that dose of reality. I like to hear from anyone who can give me a good response- I just need to learn to stay away from the "I'm going to leave my BP wife because of all the things she has done...." posts. They scare me more than anything else. It's just that when I scan down the old posts looking for answers I see a lot of them out there. I wish that I saw more of people saying that they should stay together, or someone saying that yes, all of it happened and it hurt like hell, but I lived through it and things are better now. You know- the light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train coming.
I don't want anyone to feel they should leave...
I work hard to hack away at the social stigma of Bipolar Disorder out there by educating people arround me. I don't know if knowing everything a person can do helps that or makes it worse.
Posted 9/4/2009 11:08 PM (GMT 0)
Christina....doesn't that social stigma seem immortal? Like there is nothing we can do to get rid of it? That is how I feel sometimes anyway.

But let me tell you, my husband and I have had some rough times due to bipolar and especially my out of control spending. But we are still together and plan to be together forever. I am keeping up my part of the deal by being faithful to my meds, therapy and speaking up to someone if I feel like I am slipping either way. So it is definately doable!
Posted 9/4/2009 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
Kudos mommy.michele! Its wonderful that you and your husband are so committed to a healthy relationship.

You are taking responsibility and managing your disorder, and realizing that even though the disorder may make you feel certain ways (detached), that it is temporary and not real.

I wish you all the best in the world.
Posted 9/5/2009 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you ImDealing. I also feel for your situation. I personally have never ignored my diagnosis or refused treatment, but have at times become so exasperated that I ask why....why try so hard, why keep taking meds that work only most of the time, etc.

For me, once I was able to reach some sort of clarity, even some of my past thought processes seemed foreign. Like..."why on earth would I possibly think that would be ok." My problem was that for 2 years I was misdiagnosed as severely depressed, and only put on anti depressants. This caused my mania to go out of control.

I can not imagine what it would be like as a spouse to have my wife or husband not at least try for the sake of our family. So I fully understand where your desperation, questions, frustrations are coming from. I truly hope your wife turns around to realize what she is giving up. For me what was the biggest wake up call was when the meds actually started working, and my mind slowed down enough to think clearly, I was mortified at what I had done, and what I had acted like.
Posted 9/5/2009 4:51 AM (GMT 0)
Unfortunately its too late for my marriage. Its only been seven months since the last time she wanted a divorce. Our daughter was angry then, and when we started to get back together told us not too bother unless we promise to make it work.

Here we are again, my heart ripped out, my daughter in pain and anger, and I refuse to go through it ever again. I believe my wife will regret it eventually and want to get back together, but I cannot do it.

I stay on these board because, even though the relationship is ending, I am still affected in many ways by the disorder and the damage it has done to my soul. My daughter will be for the years coming, and I therefore will be too.
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