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Posted 9/10/2009 7:38 PM (GMT 0)
In three weeks, my stbx-wife with bp went from making the decision to divorce, to having totally moved on. She told me that she didn't start thinking about this until three weeks ago, so its not like this is something that was a long time coming. She said that in the last few months she has become a totally different person and wants to be free.

It is truly over, so there is nothing that can be done. She is moving so fast that the documents are already being prepared for signing in a week. In my State a divorce can be final in as little as three months, and that is about three months too long for her.

I have been forced to start the refinancing of the house because she can't stand the thought of being connected to me in any way ... I just get in the way of the life her mania has shown her.

She moved out the middle of last week. She already had a romantic date over last weekend. When I picked my daughter up from the place she is staying last night, she was dressed up to go on another date. She's on match.com as single and available and looking for a guy to have fun with. No mention of the terrible baggage she is carrying of course.

She doesn't care what the impact is on me. How do you throw a 19 year marriage away in just three weeks? She doesn't care about the impact on our teenage daughter, even though she promised just six months ago that she would make it all work.

What a terrible, selfish disease.
Posted 9/10/2009 8:15 PM (GMT 0)

May I suggest you seek a divorce support group for yourself, and perhaps your daughter too? This site has listings  by state. I hope you're able to move on with your life and be happy again. Divorce is a difficult thing regardless of the reason for it.

http://www.divorcesource.com/info/surviving/support.shtml

Posted 9/10/2009 9:08 PM (GMT 0)
i am really sorry for what you have gone through and what you are going through. Know that your daughter is gonna need you more than ever now. Please get a little counseling for yourself and know that maybe this is for the best. i also highly recommend that you get your daughter some counseling to so that she can get help with her emotions
Posted 9/11/2009 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Imdealing,

I'm sorry to hear about the divorce. I know it can seem inexplicable. I agree with the others that you should seek some kind of counseling, especially for your daughter.

Good luck,
serafena
Posted 9/15/2009 1:07 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear that, I am in a similar situation as we speak. My wife of five years suffers from bp. She said leaving me was something she has been dealing with for a while (three weeks) but knows her bp is telling her the truth, that leaving me is the right thing to do. Even though I am her only support system. All I can do and have done is go to therapy. She wont go and even had me move out of the house. Take care of yourself and you daughter. I know its hard, its hard for me too. But we have to work on ourselves too.
Posted 9/15/2009 4:01 AM (GMT 0)
Hi cntblfe,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the bipolar board. I'm sorry to hear of your separation. I hope it all works out for the best.

We're a charming mix of bipolars and their loved ones. Why not take a minute to introduce yourself. I hope you find the support and community you're looking for.

serafena
Posted 9/15/2009 2:38 PM (GMT 0)
My stbx was starting to use me again for emotional support. She asked me over for dinner. She wanted to go exercising together. Of course, it was all a lie.

She came to me for advice about why the guy she is dating is blowing her off. You ask your husband of 19 years who you threw away three weeks ago to give you emotional support because some guy you are dating blew you off? OMG.

Three weeks ago she loved me. Now this. Tell me this isn't a manic episode. Tell me she isn't going to regret this at some point.

I finally had to cut off all contact except for matters of the divorce and our child.

I guess I wanted to share my feelings about the destruction this disorder has caused, and have this post act as a warning for the other spouses like cntblfe. When she starts coming back and like a vampire starts sucking your emotional energy, its all purely selfish and is going towards feeding the disorder.
Posted 9/15/2009 5:06 PM (GMT 0)
Imdealing,

You are very angry and disillusioned right now. I think you need to realize that there are elements of both your wife's illness and her own personality at work in her decisions. The illness is terrible, that's true. But I think you also need to know that there are those of us who have not had the desire to leave our spouses, and work like hell to keep the illness at bay. Please don't disparage that by characterizing all bipolar spouses as "vampires" and the like.

You came here 6 months ago looking for advice about your wife, so I know your marriage has been in trouble longer than 3 weeks. Just try and keep perspective and please don't counsel people to avoid bipolars. We have a strong enough stigma to fight against without our "loved ones" making it worse.

serafena
Posted 9/15/2009 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry, my intent was not to call all BP suffers as vampires. I apologize to everyone I hurt.

I only meant the ones who dump you, then expect you to give them emotional support.
Posted 9/15/2009 5:48 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sure you're in a lot of pain. I wish I could change that.

Hugs,
serafena
Posted 9/15/2009 7:08 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you serefena, you are very kind. Most divorces are hard, but I think particularly so when you feel that one of the parties is not making clear decisions.

If people think I am just ranting and it has nothing to do with bp, here is her post from this very site from 8/7/09: https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=13&m=1557239&g=1557334#m1557334

Two weeks later she said she didn't love me and wanted a divorce.
Posted 9/15/2009 7:23 PM (GMT 0)
Don't worry serafena, I'm done posting. Now I will haunt the Depression board to deal with my own issues.
Posted 9/15/2009 9:19 PM (GMT 0)
Good luck, Imdealing.
Posted 9/16/2009 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
Hello all I just stubbled across this site a few days ago. It is amazing to see that I am not the only one that is going through this situation. Let me explain mine.

My wife and I are both 27 years old. We've been married for five years now. She was diagnosed bp about 4 years ago. We have had many ups and downs but for the most part her biggest issue was spending and being messy. I thought nothing of it I figured she was just a woman that loved to shop a messy woman. Then she began to have these mood swings and stay up for days at a time the the next week be the complete opposite. I must admit I truly underestimated bp, I wrote it off. I thought it was all in her head. She goes to see her doc about 2x a yr and is not taking any of her meds. Up until now I never really pushed her. I just tried to be understanding and believed her when she said she didn't need them. Within the last year we moved form Jersy to Philly, things were going well. We were out with friends about 5 weeks ago and she began to tell them how much she loved me and how we work so well together and divorce wasn't a option she was so happy with us. The very next day she said she was unhappy with our marriage and she was thinking of divorce, but wanted to work on it before we went that far. She went out of town for 3 days to see family, she came back and said she wanted a divorce. Imagine my shock. She said that she wasn't in love with me anymore, I was shutdown, I push her away and I was holding her back. I suggested marriage counseling, she said no she doesn't need anyone to tell her what she already knows to be true. So we have been separated for the last 30 days. Not so much to work on anything, she said she needed space, so I left. She finally came clean and said she had met a guy and went on a few dates nothing sexual, just wanted attention. I know she developed feelings for him even though she denies it. She says they stopped talking. Its probably because he didn't want to be wrapped up in the divorce, not because she stopped it I'm sure. Over the last 3 weeks I have been going to therapy and suggested her to do the same. She still refuses. This past weekend she called me up telling me she misses me and wants us to work and wants to go to therapy for the marriage and for her bp. She finally acknowledged that she is hurting those close to her. We were scheduled for counseling this past monday. Sunday she called me up and invited me over to tell me no, she wants to continue to stay separated, no therapy and still wants a divorce. At this point I know she's confused I am trying to give her space, I sent her a list of doctors. At this point I just want her to be okay. I love her, I want us to last, but she needs help. I want to hang in there but people are telling e to run. But I can't I wont let the bp beat us. Am I foolish?
We also just had to file for bankruptcy because of her spending habits and her not keeping a job longer than 6 months at a time.
Any thoughts or suggestion would be great.

cntblfe
Posted 9/18/2009 3:32 PM (GMT 0)
Dear cntblfe,
I don't have any advice about your situation. I wish I did, but I just don't know. But I wanted to welcome you to the forum. I also suggest you start a new topic and introduce yourself. Others might have stopped reading this post, but will see the new post and read it.
Vickie
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