Advice mostly about relationship

Hi everyone,

I'm 25 years old, professionally diagnosed years ago with Bipolar, and have been on and off meds ever since. I have been horribly irresponsible with them, quitting whenever the side effects bothered me; not sticking it out until I could see how well they worked. Last year I got a great job and was doing well, so I stopped seeing my psych and went off meds. Bad idea. As always seems to happen when something goes well in my life, I started feeling manic again and going back to impulsive behaviors like binge drinking and being promiscuous. Earlier this year I lost that job due to unrelated medical reasons, and ever since, I've spiraled back down into depression. It's been about 6 months of that now. I'm back to feeling completely unmotivated, tired (but unable to sleep well), VERY irritable, nervous around people, crying every night, and feeling extremely needy with my boyfriend. My compulsive spending has gone up again, although I manage to control it just enough not to go into debt. Still, I purchase way too much online and feel extremely guilty afterwards, combined with an excitement over getting the packages. It's as if those are the only things in my life that give me some happiness and something to look forward to.

The big thing for me now is, I know I'm being unfair to my boyfriend. He's so wonderful and always patient with me, and he is aware of my illness. His mother is also bipolar, on meds and doing better now, but she said herself she took most of it out on him before she got better. I don't want to throw more burden on him and remind him of his problems with her. I get angry so easily, I lash out at him for the smallest things, and then 10 minutes later I'm apologizing, wanting to cry, and telling him how horrible I am and he deserves better. It's never a huge outburst or lasts long, but it happens quite often. When it doesn't, it's only because I'm keeping it bottled up. Sometimes I'm not angry, but unmotivated to see or talk to him...I just isolate myself on the computer or reading books all day. He has never expressed anything but patience and understanding with me, but I'm constantly afraid I'm going to break us apart, or that I shouldn't be burdening him with this relationship. We've been together a year and love each other; we're best friends. I just don't know how much longer I can take the feeling that I'm clinging to his side, totally useless and dragging him down. On top of everything else, I have serious trust issues from past experiences, and my fear that he's eventually going to cheat on me or get sick of me is pretty strong.

I should add that I finally made an appointment to go back to my old psych and get back on some meds (yay), but she didn't have anything open until a month from now. In the meantime, I guess I just needed to vent to people who might understand, and my main question is if it's a good idea for me to stay in this relationship, or get out of it (mostly for his sake). Thanks for reading, sorry for the epic length. :)

Girl, that is me to a T. I am experiencing the same things that you are, however, I have a husband who is wonderfully supportive. But, my past mistakes are catching up with me. Now all of the sudden my family questions their love and support for me and now I'm dealing with some legal issues because of my reckless behavior. I'm on my meds now but sometimes I don't take them. It's like oh hey I feel better so I don't need these. Big Mistake! So now I'm just waiting to get out of this dark hole. It's not over yet and I'm still having to look at myself in the mirror and say I can get through this. Will I though? Will my husband ever trust me again? Because of my past I'll never get another job. I had some great ones and just went off on my boss and had a nervous breakdown. So yeah, you're not alone is all I'm saying. I can't give you advice but I do know what your going through. I've been through it too dear. Good luck and hugs.

Hi Sonara,

I hear ya!  You know just like any other illness, if you want to get better you have to stick with the program.  You have to realize that you are going to have to be on medications and you need to take them every day and not stop.

What would happen if someone with high blood pressure or diabetes stopped taking their medication?  Eventually they would become very ill.  The same with bipolar.  You need to stay on a wellness program of continuing to take you medications daily and realizing it is the responsible thing to do to manage your illness.

Your husband is supportive to you.  You owe it to him and yourself to work on keeping yourself healthy.  I know the desire to go off your meds will be there from time to time but that is something that we have to learn to overcome and be disciplined about.    Make the decision to stay well.

Can you incorporate talk therapy for yourself?  Most people with bipolar do as it helps tremendously.

I understand about the long wait to get into seeing your pdoc.  That is the trouble with mental healthcare...there  has to be a better way to get us in to seeing the doctor sooner.  In the meantime try to keep a journal of your moods and actions and start making a list of questions for yourself so that you are fully prepared for your visit and can make the most of it.  Maybe you would want to ask for a referral to a talk therapist?

Hang in there. We are here to help you.  Keep posting.

Sonora,

If you are still following this thread I have another suggestion.

Maybe you can find a psychologist to help you and your boyfriend. From my experience it takes a significant other a long time to truly understand and support. But co-visits with your S.O. can help. Also, you can find books that are directed to the loved ones in a bi-polar person's life.

Having somebody in your support network who makes the effort to really understand your disorder can be a really big help.