handling behavior problems

My situation is very similar - I also recently left my bipolar husband after a weeklong manic (bordering on psychotic) episode that was the most frightening experience of my life. Unfortunately, despite hospitalization, my ex will not admit to suffering from anything more than stress & will not seek treatment or take meds. All I can say is that in my experience, the behavior issues are the nature of the beast. I too went through the blaming, the walking on eggshells, the mindless spending, the refusal to take responsibility for any of his actions, or accept that the consequences are a result of those actions. And similarly, all of that was directed almost solely at me. He always treated mere acquaintances better than his own family. Instead of the appreciation I expected for being the one to support & ensure the welfare of our family, I think there must have been some kind of resentment that I was capable of doing & handling all the things that he couldn't... I don't really know, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone & that however personal it may seem, I think it's all part of the illness' hold. I just wish that there was something I could do for my ex, like you're doing for yours, but I have no idea how to help someone that refused to help themself. Take care.

Thanks for your responses. You guys are right about untreated bipolar. The manic- aggressive episode was very scary and I tried to walk off during those times but because of the skillful passing the buck back at me and the authoritarian insistence on my staying, mixed with guilt trip, I fell for the game- lots of times. I didn't know what was going on and blamed myself sometimes and fell into pitying him other times. Now I know better and needed to recover my self esteem and my broken energy. I agree that bipolar or not he is still accountable for his actions which was spousal abuse. Actually, he has been on meds and the manic attacks has eased off a lot but his blaming and controlling did not. That is the reason I left- after supposedly he has stabilized. I just wanted to share this to help other "giving" spouse realize and draw the line between uncontrollable bipolar behavior and behaviors that set into the personality because it is convenient to do so -i.e. to not take responsibility and let others pick up the pieces. I have seen a lot of spouses in support groups, and including in this posting, that got confused and wondered if it was them that had something wrong! DO NOT BUY INTO THAT!

Let me recommend the book "Codpendent No More" by Melody Beattie. It discusses the dance of anger and manipulation in toxic relationships, and would be useful in learning how to recover your self-esteem. Again, I really suggest therapy.

serafena

I wish my husband sounds as rational as you. Believe me, he blames and shames me when I even remotely suggest that he is out of sorts let alone contemplate marriage therapy to open him up to scrutiny. My support of him has been and is still financial. Even after divorce, I am working on getting his creative works publicized so that he can receive royalties that could "buffer" him in the event of downtime where he becomes unable to work. I am completely happy to emotionally support him as well but I could not be the brunt of a tornado that wipes me out in the process. Even so, I think the help I am giving him now is way much more than what he deserves!

Thanks for your advice. You are right, I have no responsibility towards supporting a divorced husband. I need to look at my own issue of co-dependency. 15 years of marriage has trained me to focus on him- his mood, his losing his jobs constantly because of his moods, and having to carry him in times when he is so depressed he could hardly speak to another soul except for me. I have forgotten who I am and what my needs are. His strong personality which was charismatic in the uptimes overpowers me during courtship and later turned into tyranny during marriage which drowned me. I am not allowed to have my opinions and wishes contrary to his. I think my lost is greater than his.

Thank you for your input, it is very helpful. This disorder is hard, very hard on everyone!

Buddy,
I am not sure if it is so much as codependence issue as it is the battered woman syndrome issues. For example, we do not know if she is financially supporting him, out of a sense of well this is what you are "suppose" to do for a "loved one" (which is really a unhealthy concept of "loved one"). or did he say witch do this or I will cut you.
Let's face it we do not know if what the level of violence and abuse is, but clearly if they are afraid then that is a pretty good sign that something is not right. In no way shape or form is it ok to ever be treated in such a way that you fear for your wellbeing (that includes mental as well as physical). So let's be cautious about victim blame here. (I know that most bipolars are not dangerous, these stories however raise some red flags for me.)

Ladies,
Please get the therapy and whatever else you need in order to believe in your own self worth and rights as an individual. (P.S. that whatever includes from cutting them out of your life to restraining orders) Just fyi not allowing someone to leave falls under criminal restraint at the very least and is illegal.  You deserve better then to have an abuser in your life, and from your own statements the relationships has been abusive.

Maybe I have too much of a jandiced eye toward domestic violence, but when I hear this kind of statements, it does raise a red flags.

I am glad for the domestic violence opinion. Deep down I have been wondering about that. When I first mentioned the possibility to my husband's therapist and doctors, they dismissed me and told me to be more understanding. So I understood and understood. I understood when he gets fired again and again that he is sick and can't help it. But bills got to be paid and the kids fed. My church told me to be understanding so I understand- the vows said through thick and thin. And the bills still got to be paid. Over the years, the more responsible and giving I get, the more irresponsible and demanding he gets. Even after my divorce, I still get the be more understanding, see his point of view stuff. Honestly, if being diagnosed with bipolar means you can get away from responsibility it is a cop out. Had I NOT been understanding and insisted that he takes the trash out NO MATTER HOW HE FEELS, and do whatever little he can around the house and withstand the screaming matches and the shattered furniture (and possibly very very scared children), I may not have created the spoilt monster of today! BTW, I need to have my opinion of abject pain heard too. Humans are not made of still, the words that come out of a manic episodes does burn!

Buddy,
I have worked in law enforcement and now I am a grad student in an area that is associated with this problem and I feel that you are using the term codependence in way that is not exactly correct (it is too broadbase).  Especially given the lack of dx code in the DSM for codependence, makes it lack a certain validity in certain circles.
So please I am asking you to be very careful when you are talking about enabling an abuser, because I can very much see how this could come off as victim blaming and that is not appropiate for a support website. The issues of abuse range from sociological to early childhood development. Let us not oversimply the problem and acknowledge that we just do not know what has happen. Plus, frankly this is an issue best addressed in therapy. So let us encourage these ladies to do that.
Thank You,
Navy

MMMMNavy,

I'm sorry. I have spent 40 years as a manic-depressive. I have had 20 years of counseling regarding co-dependancy and read over 30 books on the subject. The article seemed like a good synapsis of what I have read.

I came here to help and provide advice.

You seem like you like to have control in your job and on this forum. I cannot accept that.

In this case you are being needlessly abusive to a man who has just been diagnosed with cancer.

I will leave you to your abusive tendancies.

Have a great day. All! Bye!

The way I see it we have two problems here:

1. This is a support forum and everyone here has to remember to be respectful. Understand that what you write might be read as disrespectful to someone else. Here's the forum rule:

4. No posts that attack, insult, "flame", defame, or abuse members or non-members. Respect other members of the community and don’t belittle, make fun off, or insult another member or non-member. Decisions about health and well-being are highly personal, individual choices. "Flaming" and insults, however, will not be tolerated. Agree to disagree. This applies to both the forums and chat.

This goes for spouses and sufferers alike.

2. That said, there's no need to be over-sensitive. If you don't like what someone has to say, simply ignore them. You can do that by pressing the "thumbs down" button on one of their posts. Their posts will then be invisible to you. Easy-peasy.

Again, I say, let's not try and guess what disorders or illnesses one another are suffering from. Only a medical professional can do that. Here we don't cast judgements, we just support one another.

I wish you all very well.
serafena