i dont think anyone will understand

i dont trust anyone. i dont think i ever will. the ones i love will never understand. so i of course like always have to resort to telling strangers of my pain because it seems like theyre the only ones who will understand.

we have been together for 8 long crucial months and yet you still have the nerve to say this? after everything? do you know how much this hurts?
of course not. when i will try to discuss things with you, my life, the hurt, you take it wrong. you think it's ALL against you and i can't stand that. i hate it. im antisocial i know. i'm bipolar i know. i'm borderline i know. i know i know i know. i hate it and i hate everything that has to do with my stupid 'friends' and my stupid body and my mind and my nose and my thin lips. im so ugly. i'm so, so so ugly and ... and terrible and greedy and selfish and stupid and i'm a ... yet i'm not. i'm not at all, but i kind of am, but I ... and do you know how much this hurts will YOU EVER UNDERSTAND?! will you?! i dont think so. i never thought so. well maybe once or twice after all THE TIMES I BROKE MYSELF DOWN and battled myself to just talk, to just open up to every single one of you but especially YOU. the only one i swore my neverending love to and given everything up for.
CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LISTEN TO ME?! FEEL MY HURT, FEEL THE PAIN JUST SO FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE AS MUCH AS I HATE ADMITTING THIS I CAN FEEL LIKE I ACTUALLY BELONG.

i'm sorry.

(Edited out adult language and topics -- serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 2/15/2010 11:45:38 AM (GMT-7)

 Hey, this is a place where you can talk to people who really understand you. We all have different issues with bipolar and there is a lot of experience here to draw upon. Like serafena said take a breath, and tell us about yourself. Who you are, are you getting help, have you been diagnosed, the works. I have been here a year plus and i have never seen anyone attacked because of something they wrote. I myself detailied how i was a lowsy husband and had multipal affairs on my wife. But everyone here has been very kind and helpfull and i have made great progress with their support.

    In the end the more you can tell us the more we can help you . ANd dont worry about rehashing a subject allready covered. We get better by dealing with the monster, and sometimes we have to refight battles many times over to get a grip on it.

    Anyway welcome and continue to post. We will be here to help.

    Bill

i'm not seeing anyone, we don't have the money and my parents don't think i need help with anything. i was prescribed anti depressants but no im not taking them.
my family? no one listens. my sister is an alcoholic stoner with no life, my parents are ignorant, shallow, oblivious, and naive.

yes but i don't like my school counselor and my parent's dont want to pay for a psychiatrist or doctor or counselor. i haven't been to the doctor for a check up for about 9 years

I can feel your pain through the intensity of your words.  I know that pain, I know the feeling of not trusting, being misunderstood, everyone taking everything you say the wrong way, keeping things to yourself until you feel like you are going to explode.  Please honey, open the phone book and try to find someone to atleast talk to you.  I also understand about the money thing, but I know there are services out there and you know what, if it gets that bad, go to the emergency room at your local hospital.  Atleast you could get some temporary help and they could probably refer you somewhere for follow up.  Forget about everything, everybody else and take care of yourself.  You deserve to feel well, sometimes in our lives it just takes a bit more effort.  If you are a living breathing human being, you are worth the effort.  You are not your sister, you are not your parents, you are not the people that have let you down and don't understand you.........you are you..............take care of you.

Gem

Precious Gem said...
I can feel your pain through the intensity of your words. I know that pain, I know the feeling of not trusting, being misunderstood, everyone taking everything you say the wrong way, keeping things to yourself until you feel like you are going to explode. Please honey, open the phone book and try to find someone to atleast talk to you. I also understand about the money thing, but I know there are services out there and you know what, if it gets that bad, go to the emergency room at your local hospital. Atleast you could get some temporary help and they could probably refer you somewhere for follow up. Forget about everything, everybody else and take care of yourself. You deserve to feel well, sometimes in our lives it just takes a bit more effort. If you are a living breathing human being, you are worth the effort. You are not your sister, you are not your parents, you are not the people that have let you down and don't understand you.........you are you..............take care of you.


Gem

thank you.. i try, i have been, but it's really, really hard.
harder than anyone will ever know

Hey there, I will say up front that it is NOT FAIR that you have to take the responsibility for your own treatment at such a young age. You are on here talking to us which tells us you recognize a problem exists and you are trying to get help. No one at home is listening to you (not uncommon sorry to say, a lot of people equate bi-polar with out of control crazy) So instead of dealing with the issue up front they are instead ignoring it hoping it will go away. Do you think your sister might be bipolar also? A lot of bipolar people try "self medication" (I mean drugs and alchol) to help control the pproblems they are having.

So now here you are, stuck between a rock and a hard place. It absolutly sucks that you have to take this on by yourself (however we are here for you) Now the tough part is this. You will have to go to people who you may not like and ask them for help. You will be surprised how often people who you didnt like change and become good people in your life when you ask them for honest help. The people at your school are your starting point, they can get you on the road to help. This is going to be a long road, im not saying that to scare you but to prepare you for a marathon, not a sprint. If you are indeed bipolar you are for life, so you need to think further out than tommrrow. ANd that is a lot to ask for a kid who shouldnt have to doing this alone.

There is help out there for you. Meds are one route, as is therpey. Again we are here to help you and have all had a variety of experiences for you to draw upon to help you out.

The big thing is also the hardest, and that will be going and asking for help. This isnt something that will get better if you leave it alone. You said your sister was a loser alcholic and stoner. Thats what can happen to you if you dont get real professional help. We all understand what you are going thru only most of us were diagonised later in life, that was only after a lifetimes worth of bad decisions packed into a few years. We are all hoping to save you from that. Thats why we are pushing you to go to people in your school who can get you some help.

Good luck and keep us posted. We are hear for you and you are not alone.

Bill

happy bill said...
Hey there, I will say up front that it is NOT FAIR that you have to take the responsibility for your own treatment at such a young age. You are on here talking to us which tells us you recognize a problem exists and you are trying to get help. No one at home is listening to you (not uncommon sorry to say, a lot of people equate bi-polar with out of control crazy) So instead of dealing with the issue up front they are instead ignoring it hoping it will go away. Do you think your sister might be bipolar also? A lot of bipolar people try "self medication" (I mean drugs and alchol) to help control the pproblems they are having.

So now here you are, stuck between a rock and a hard place. It absolutly sucks that you have to take this on by yourself (however we are here for you) Now the tough part is this. You will have to go to people who you may not like and ask them for help. You will be surprised how often people who you didnt like change and become good people in your life when you ask them for honest help. The people at your school are your starting point, they can get you on the road to help. This is going to be a long road, im not saying that to scare you but to prepare you for a marathon, not a sprint. If you are indeed bipolar you are for life, so you need to think further out than tommrrow. ANd that is a lot to ask for a kid who shouldnt have to doing this alone.

There is help out there for you. Meds are one route, as is therpey. Again we are here to help you and have all had a variety of experiences for you to draw upon to help you out.

The big thing is also the hardest, and that will be going and asking for help. This isnt something that will get better if you leave it alone. You said your sister was a loser alcholic and stoner. Thats what can happen to you if you dont get real professional help. We all understand what you are going thru only most of us were diagonised later in life, that was only after a lifetimes worth of bad decisions packed into a few years. We are all hoping to save you from that. Thats why we are pushing you to go to people in your school who can get you some help.

Good luck and keep us posted. We are hear for you and you are not alone.

Bill

i know it isn't.. but what am i going to do about it? i've tried everything, i've seen counselors but it just never went anywhere, they were all from school and i just keep on having panic attacks whenever i tried talking to them.
and yes i know but i think that if im going to reach out to actual people who do have the ability to help me, i have to talk my parents into the idea of letting me at LEAST see someone. which will be a marathon and a half by itself.

my sister is an alcoholic stoner, and it's not something that can happen to me, it already did. when i was like 10 all i did was ... i have been since i was 12, now i'm 13 and i've been off ...

i know.. i just don't see any professional help coming my way anytime soon.

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 2/28/2010 1:30:13 PM (GMT-7)

If you are 13, and you are diagnosed bipolar, and you haven't seen a doctor for 10+ years...  something doesn't add up.

But just in case I can't count...

If you've decided you can't get professional help, you have a choice.

Option A:  Take your treatment into your own hands and try every possible no-med technique to control your illness.  For example, strict sleep regimen,eliminate caffiene, sugars and any foods that contribute to mood swings, take high doses of samon oil and/or eat a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids, yoga, meditation, spiritual/reigous involvement, etc.

Option B:  Decide that there is nothing you can do, nothing you will do and live a hopeless, miserable, and tortured life without treatment.

My ex-husband chose B.  Divorced with a criminal record and doesn't see his son.  No job.  No steady home.  drugs, alcohol, sex-addiction...  been there done that.  Possiby living with a girl?  Or homeless?  But who is to know?

I chose A (and professional help).  I'm a university student, I own a home, I live with an AMAZING man who is supportive, I take care of my son to the best of my ability.  I seek help, I get relief from medication, therapy, and friends.  I won't allow this disease to own me!

Your posts sound like you are choosing Option B, which makes me very sad for you.  I agree that it is competely unfair you are dealing with this alone.  BUT, pity doesn't solve your problems.  The ONLY solution is for you to take control of your life.

tortoise11 said...
If you are 13, and you are diagnosed bipolar, and you haven't seen a doctor for 10+ years... something doesn't add up.


But just in case I can't count...



If you've decided you can't get professional help, you have a choice.



Option A: Take your treatment into your own hands and try every possible no-med technique to control your illness. For example, strict sleep regimen,eliminate caffiene, sugars and any foods that contribute to mood swings, take high doses of samon oil and/or eat a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids, yoga, meditation, spiritual/reigous involvement, etc.



Option B: Decide that there is nothing you can do, nothing you will do and live a hopeless, miserable, and tortured life without treatment.



My ex-husband chose B. Divorced with a criminal record and doesn't see his son. No job. No steady home. drugs, alcohol, sex-addiction... been there done that. Possiby living with a girl? Or homeless? But who is to know?



I chose A (and professional help). I'm a university student, I own a home, I live with an AMAZING man who is supportive, I take care of my son to the best of my ability. I seek help, I get relief from medication, therapy, and friends. I won't allow this disease to own me!



Your posts sound like you are choosing Option B, which makes me very sad for you. I agree that it is competely unfair you are dealing with this alone. BUT, pity doesn't solve your problems. The ONLY solution is for you to take control of your life.

that is great for you.
but no, no. trust me. ive been trying my hardest, to the most of my ability(i hope) to go through with option A.
i want to be happy with every inch of me, i want to! but its so hard! everything in my life is STRESS! parents, sister, room, home, neighborhood, school. EVERYTHING.

its so hard..