This HURTS like HELL!!!!!

This Hurts like Hell. My Husband whom I love very much thrashed me last night for over an hour about all the things I did while not being medicated. I cried myself to sleep. I do not understand any of this disorder and I take it one day at a time hoping for the best possiable outcome. Yeah, I did pretty crummy things and felt emotions that I didn't understand and lived a very painful experiences over and over and took people with me on emotional trips. Now that I am medicated how do I recover from all these things. The damage is done. I can't explain it because I didn't and still don't understand it. I just know I lived it. He is my best friend and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. His son who is 10 was emotionally depressed when we got together over his parents divorce. I came along and made it all worse in everyway possiable. I have a son in tow so it just amplified everything. Now his son doesn't want to come over and I am wondering what to do? My husband is hurting and I am hurting. I don't think we will make it as a family, but he is my best friend.

ok facing this sucks so here it is I walked into this with open arms loving happy and giddy as time went on events started happening where I put myself out there. I lost my job and lost my insurance all of them. my son was also un medicated. The x-wife calls wanta go out so we did Had a great time excellent in fact. She was my friend so I thought. I wanted this for everyone involved because we share children. The next thing her car is repossessed. Ok so I loan her mine for the sake of my stepson. My husband who is a very honest man starts telling me that she is corning him saying things like; she takes medication can you live with that, she is bipolar all they do is lie cheat and steal, I seen her driving down the road where is she going, she talked to her x today whats that about. I felt like she was trying to bait his brain. When she spent time with me it was about all the things he had ever done to her that was wrong and the fact he is a good dad just a lousy husband. Ok, so with that being said we needed to collect ourselves and take a step back and I tried. I wanted to get my truck back because we were being used and abused in this sitituation. After explaining to my husband how I felt he said if I take my truck back then he will give her his. We went back in forth and I was pissed. Why is the mad I love willing to put his x above his wife's feelings. After dealing with alot of this I started to get angry inside. Noone would listen and noone cared I was the one with the ******* problem. My step son was wearing the same exact clothes for 5 days straight I had had enough. We seen him almost everyday of the 5. I finally asked my step son have you taken a bath? Why do you still have on the same clothes and I said to my husband you need to say something this is Bu******. So he tells me to shut up. I am already pissed I can't. So as the night went on my step son starts to cry (was not My intention) my husband calls me a B****. His son says hurtful crap on his way to his room I flipped the coffee table it was a Complete mess. My husband goes and spends the night with xwife kid and her boyfriend. Ok now all I see is x is winning and she has been wrong from the start. Christmas time she ask my husband for money (that we didn't have) and he gave it to her. We had not even bought Christmas for our boys she said she had to pay rent. That night we see her bf out buying her christmas gifts with the money we gave them. I am bothered by this but say nothing it eats at me inside. We go over Christmas eve to the x's house we were invited so we did for our son's sake. After that we have the conversation about dropping our son off with mom and just picking him up. It seems to be a lets talk and talk thing. Well who wants thier spouse communicating with the x who is trying to destroy us day by day. So now I am frustrated with my hubby. Why is drop off pick up so hard? I don't know. As all this crap is building inside me we are presented with His son wanting his parents back together and dad and him only time. He no longer wants to be around my son and me we are taking his daddy. The x puts her 2 cents in and says the boys need to be seperated. We should do this and that. I let this woman have my vehicle for 2 months while she trashed me everyday. Alot of women would not of done so. As time goes on my husband leaves and goes to the x'x where his son lives and was there for a few hours he comes home I blow I have had enough. He can't understand why I am so pissed. He says hurtful crap I say hurtful crap we go at eachother hard. He tries to leave and tells me to get out of his house and I slammed his head into the wall many times. I was wrong it all built inside me. We struggled through the night. I had thoughts of bodily harm to the x and think I may have followed through. I HATE her to say the least. Now on medication I see where things went crazy. I see where I have done some bad things but, I also see how I did not get into this state of mind alone. Now the x is trying to keep the boy and hurting my husband. Through it all it's my fault because I blew my top. I wasn't understanding and loving like a good wife should have been. Now we are at a point where he cannot forgive me for anything that has happened. It always comes back to my temper he doesn't see why I have that temper. He is my bestfriend and I need advice on how to cope with loss of a spouse and bestfriend.

Parents with step children should talk things over before getting married.Both should help raise the kids.If you don't stand together no one will be happy.......