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I feel like I am getting worse every day

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 3/26/2010 4:48 AM (GMT 0)
I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was in high school. I was previously diagnosed with clinical depression and kept on antidepressants from the time I was 11 until I was 15 when it was clear they weren't working. I was instead put on Lamictal, with the dosage increased all the way to 200mg.
My previous medications (Effexor, Prozac), I quit cold turkey. I'm not sure of the impact of this. I also quit the Lamictal cold turkey at the 200 mg dose though I was aware it was dangerous.
I've been in therapy for years and again, I quit therapy when I quit the Lamictal last summer.
Now I am in college, in what I (when I am happy) believe is a very good relationship and I absolutely love the man I am with and hope to be with him for a very long time.
However lately things have taken a downturn.
This week I have cycled through so many ups and downs that I have spent hours crying and wanting to break up with my boyfriend because I when I am sad I feel like nothing is ever going to work out and he is going to give up and decide I am too much work.

I honestly don't want to go back to therapy. I don't want to go back on medication. I'm scared of both but I also believe they did nothing for me for the years I was using them. I'm worried if I go on mood stabilizers again I will completely lose the personality my boyfriend loves, however I feel like I can't do this anymore. this really being my life. It's getting too hard constantly wishing I was someone else because I have no control over my emotions and I am so easily agitated and provoked that I worry about fighting I might cause in my relationship. Everything is piling up and I honestly don't know what my options are from here. I really want to give up. My boyfriend and i are going to be separated during the summer as we both are going back to our hometowns to work. I feel like my bipolar is going to ruin my relationship this summer. When I am not physically with my boyfriend, the minute I fall into a bad mood I get paranoid and feel like he must be cheating on me, or I start a fight, it's impossible for me to not get nervous and almost imagine things are going on.

What can I do? :( i hate myself.
Posted 3/26/2010 8:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Voix, and welcome :) First thing, take a deep breath! In general it might not be what you want to hear, but we can all relate to the fealings you are having. The good news is that you are not alone and it is not your fault. The bad news is that the fealings are real, you problem in your brain is real, and you cannot just wish it away. That being said, there are some very easy things you can do to help.

You've already got a great start by coming here. The people here have a vast knowledge and have experienced so many different sides of bipolar. They are here to help, to listen, and to understand. I know you feel alone and desperate, like you will never lead a happy life, but you can and if you try for it you will! Medication has helped so many people, but just talking through your issues is a big step and has helped me a lot while I wait for the meds to kick in.

As for relationships, they are always a challenge, especially with people like us! Unfurunately I am the worst person to go to for relationship advice, but there are many people here who have been in succesful relationships and worked through some very hard ups and downs. Remember there is hope. You've still got spring term with your man, love every moment of it. If you just can't bring yourself to smile, try to stay calm and tell him you need to be held. I bet you'll find that he wants to be there for your.

I hope you find this a comfortable place to bring some of these sometimes embarrasing personal issues to light. We are all here for you and want to help you!

Hang in there!

Tainted
Posted 3/26/2010 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks both of you. I feel a lot better today, finally. It's the first day that I haven't been extremely down at least once in several weeks. it feels good to have a clear head. I called my mom and asked her if I could start attending her yoga classes (she is a yoga instructor) because the majority of my mood swings are brought on by all of the stress i put on myself. I also really want to go back to therapy but my health insurance isn't accepted anywhere so that's been a problem for a while now. I really don't want to go back on medication either. :(
Posted 3/27/2010 10:25 PM (GMT 0)

  Voix, i ride a bicycle, alot. That gets me into a zen like state and allows me to burn off eneregy also. 

   Yes do meds suck, absolutly. However i havnt found a way in my life to live a successful/normal life without thier help. Therpay helped me more to discover who i relaly was and how BP was affecting me. I now only need to go on here to talk if i have a particular question or a bad/glad day.

    However also dont forget, if you went thru some bad times while BP you might need the therpay for PTSD. After every fatal at the firehouse we have people come in to talk  to us and make sure we are ok. I know what drove me to get diagnosed was very very bad and the therapay helped me get it out and face it so i could move past it.

    Bill

Posted 3/27/2010 10:32 PM (GMT 0)
I really really want therapy. In fact after my next doctors visit I plan on discontinuing my medication unless I can get some therapy to go along with it, or until such a time as I can afford to pay full price for therapy. I just feel like I have so many issues I need to get out, repressed guilt, shame, anger, rage, pain. I know there are memories I don't even remember. I was never abused, but man when you grow up so affected emotionally by everything, trauma has a whole new meaning.
Posted 3/28/2010 4:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hey there voix!  I can completely relate to what you are saying.  I was in your shoes a couple of months ago.

I did go on medication and after 8 years, they finally found something that works for me.  I withdrew from classes - I ended up in the hospital after a combination of sleep deprivation, caffiene and stress.

We were both worried about me losing my personality with medication, but it didn't happen.  whew!  He hung in there on a wild ride with my mood swings.  He's a good man. 

And now (with medication and stress reduction) I'm a stable, balanced, stay-at-home momma with the man I love!  It really can get better, but you need to seek help - everything you can get until you find a solution.  If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your boyfriend.

Posted 3/31/2010 1:14 AM (GMT 0)
Once I reply on "Post Reply," how do I submit the reply?
Posted 3/31/2010 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
To Voix . . . Bi-Polar with no therapy and no meds is a cocktail for disaster. I was diagnosed at 30. I am now 60, and have spent many years fighting "Mr. Lithium." Bi-polar is a disease that you will have for the rest of your life . . . exercise helps, but medication is a necessity and therapy certainlly helps. You will have many times in your life that the stress will take over. When times are great, you wonder, "Why am I bothering to even take these stupid pills?" Then suddenly, something will happen, and you wonder who you are.

I do not want to sound like this is a death sentence, but I worry whenever I hear that people who are bi-polar are trying to substitute exercise for meds and theriapy . . . been there, done that . . . I ended up in the psych ward twice after suicide attempts. I finally realized that I am on these meds for life. Believe it or not "Mr. Lithium" and I have finally made our peace. I miss the manic high, but I sure don't miss the depressive lows.

I used to volunteer as a spokesperson for bi-polar patients. The first thing I would try to get them to understand is that this is a disease which needs to be treated just like Diabetics need to be treated with Insulin shots.

Hang in there sweetheart!
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