HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Control

Support Forums
>
Bipolar Disorder
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 4/8/2010 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
My question is about this control. It confuses me. You say that they (manics) are not in control, and that it is not "their" fault. Easy to say. My wife is a bit of a thing and I dwarf her in comparison. If I get mad at anything I have to control it like a "normal person" why can't I expect the same out of her. When I get mad I have to calm down or there will be consequences. When she gets manic I am to let her go through with it at the exspense of my self. How come a manic will not listen to reason and calm down. It has lead to a couple of close calls. Does she get to use her bi-polar as a get out of jail free card. And why does she stop being manic as soon as I am fuming mad. Once that occurs she is a smiles and laughs.

Scared of what my little bi-polar wife will do sad
Posted 4/8/2010 10:53 PM (GMT 0)
I too agree that bipolar should not be an excuse for certain behaviors. But it does sound like she might need a medication adjustment or some counseling. You should not have to suffer through her illness. So I would call somebody, maybe your doctor and get hooked up with a counselor. Talk to her about getting her meds checked to make sure she is on the right dosage. It is hard I know, dealing with this. But you two will make it. You just need a little help.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/9/2010 4:18 AM (GMT 0)
First off Welcome to the forum I hope you get all your needs met here.  Their are alot of great

people here who can relate to all your talking about.  Are you a beeper to like your wife?  For us beepers when we get mad sometimes we have no idea what we are mad about we are just mad.  Has she been correctly diagnosed the similarities between bipolar and borderline personality disorder are quite the same except there is more rage and angry involved.  Look it up and see if she fits the criteria.  Treatment is usually the same but you may find the answer to your question there.  And again welcome to this forum we always need people to talk to as this is what we do.

as to your question on why she is all smiles and happy when u get mad I think it's a shock factor and she truely does not want you to be mad she wants understanding and validation of her feelings.  Once your mad she feels like you have heard what she is saying.  Then she comes back into a rational state of mind.  Borderline personality disorder check it out you will understand
Posted 4/9/2010 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
I would hope that soothing and calming words would help. I tried that this morning and that is why I am typing in another post. She isn't on any medication, except           which is what she used to moderate the outbursts before we met. This morning she wouldn't get out of bed or have a shower, which were all things she wanted to do as well as smile. Well, I got called a whole bunch of horrible names and was told that my life was better than hers ( I am on employment insurance, and she has a job). She won't listen to any reason, even though we have talked about her acknowledging that she is being manic and trying to stop. Every time after a fight she says she will, and then every time she gets angry she won't calm down. I know I couldn't get away with this behavior so why do I have to let her have her own horrible way. I don't need to cry to make her feel better.

She says she doesn't see herself as being unreasonably angry.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/10/2010 12:28:19 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/9/2010 5:13 PM (GMT 0)
Without proper meds she really wont be able to see what the problem really is. It was only after i got the meds into my system that i was finally able to understand how crazy and out of control i was acting. However, and this is a big one, when we are out of control we feel LIKE WE ARE COMLETELY SANE AND IN CONTROL. I'm not saying that to yell, i just want you to understand that in her mind she is perfectly sane and you are the one with a problem.

Until she gets meds and help this cycle will continue and continue. Many of us here have had to hit rock bottom several times before we finally got the help we needed.

Being soothing and understanding won't help much, in her mind you are bad, if you do something nice than you are are being deceptive abou thow much you hate her.. Its really a no win for you right now until she can get some help.

Good luck friend

Bill
Posted 4/10/2010 6:30 PM (GMT 0)
You really have to talk to her about seeing somebody. As was posted above, she doesn't realize that she is the one with the problem.

It sounds like she needs medication and some talk therapy. If she doesn't get on any meds, you are going to have one tough time with her.

The personality disorder is something you might want to read up on and get informed, it does sound like this could be the case.

I hope that things get better for you soon.

Hugs, Karen

I wanted to add, that at the top of the page, there is a section called bipolar resources.  There are tips there about dealing with a significant other with bipolar.  Please check it out.

Posted 4/10/2010 9:21 PM (GMT 0)

I think you both need professional help.  I'm not convinced that you really know what you are dealing with.

For example, laying in bed all day is not something that would be described as "manic"

Anyways for being BP AND from being in a failed marrigae with someone with BP (undiagnosed/untreated) my advice is to leave when she starts yelling.  Just because she is out of contro doesn't mean that you have to suffer. 

Talk through it when she is calm and explain to her that when she starts yelling, you will leave for "x" amount of time.

Posted 4/12/2010 12:29 AM (GMT 0)
First of all, thank you for being concerned about your wife and noticing behavioral changes. Its very important for her to have a friend, spouse, relative etc, that can notice manic behavior.

I have had two major manic episodes that I know of and believe me I had no clue! It wasn't slight mood changes it was major to the point of moving away, quitting a job etc. If your wife is having more of a mood swing and then goes back to normal, maybe medication needs to be changed or adjusted??

Hope things work out and you find some answers.
Posted 4/13/2010 4:36 AM (GMT 0)
I agree with tortoise 11. The best thing to do when she gets like that is remove yourself from the situation and not engage her. When I get like that and someone tries to tell me I am being irrational or unreasonable it makes my blood boil and makes thing worse. Even when my husband or children try to calm me down it feels patronizing and makes things worse too. I agree also that it is not fair to you to have to control yourself and she doesn't have to but you have to look at it that the way she is behaving is not intentional. The difference is the lack of ability to control. You should definitely try to talk to her when she is calm about getting more help. It is not a bad idea for you to talk to someone too about what you are going through. Trust me, the person you love is still in there, just hang in there.
Posted 4/15/2010 6:23 PM (GMT 0)
So lesson learned, Alcohol and her big No No. But there is a question to be raised. How do you get her to stop being angry? She tells me to leave her alone. Well at 10 oclock at night in a one bedroom apartment where do I go. I can't very well go "downtown," seems counterproductive. Then to make it worse I go out and get flowers to try and cheer her up, now I am in trouble, because she says "doesn't deserve flowers". More screwed because I am too NICE. Gotta get her help, but she says " you know I won't do it on my own." Then to expect her to tell an educated stranger what is bothering her. Probably won't happen. If this was a black and white movie I would slap her and watch the sense rise. But that won't help. Crying doesn't help when she won't stop. Almost like we need a S&M safe word. Can I go to our Doctor and tell him? shakehead
Posted 4/15/2010 6:26 PM (GMT 0)
Does she have caffiene?  In any quantity?

SO and I learned the hard way.  We used to have caffienated soda in the house all the time.  After I ened up in the hospital ... no caffienated soda in the house.  If there ever is any - like at a family gathering, he'll drink most of my can so I don't get too much caffiene.

Evil, terrible stuff.  At least, for me.

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply