Trying to understand

  First of all welcome and yes, what you are saying makes complete sense.  In mycase the doctor focused on my manias since they were what was causing me trouble (excess sexual energy lead me to having multipal affairs on my wife) so i take respirdone to take away alot of my mania energy. However once we did that it unmasked a depression that was hiding under the surface. So when i need it is take celexa also to control the depression. Once i had a year under my belt i worked with my doctor to reduce my respridone so i could have a little bit of the mania energy back. SInce then life has been great. Sometimes it is hard and i get urges but i take extra of my respridone and that gets me thru it.

  ANd dont think you have to suffer in silence anymore. FIrst it isnt healthy. If you cant talk at home then post here. We have a great variety of experiences here and trust me, we've heard it all, or done it all. LOL LOL LOL Basicly if you can shock this group  you will get a prize. LOL LOL

 But honestly you will find lots of support around here. I will say to you what i tell every new person. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Having people to talk to who actually UNDERSTAND what you are going thru is a great help in the fight with this monster.

    Again Welcome.  Happy Bill

  

I completely understand where you are coming from. I am also a mother, I have three kids and a husband who tries to understand but he usually has no idea what to do with me. I am also a full-time student but have been so bad lately that I have not attended classes for the past month ( I have also been physically ill) which has just made my bipolar issues worse. I have a similar history from what you mentioned above. Bill is right. You are definitely not alone! I don't have any answers right now, but I am a good listener and can relate. Best wishes.

thank for your responses...I'm still trying to sort out what part of my life am I really in control of.
I often feel pulled in a million directions. juggling life ,school, sports for kids, breakfast and dinner for the family, sports for my husband and I. Umpire from time to time, go to therapy either 1 a week or every 2 weeks. I've graduated HS, tried to go to san jac 12 yrs ago but somehow during the semester just fell out from under me. i somehow made it to school only to keep crying unable to stop. all i remember is that i spent a few hours there in the counselors office until my boyfriend/now husband was able to come get me and take me to some place safe. SHE HAD FOUND ME A THERAPIST thru the united way. I thought I was just having a nervous breakdown. I was going to school full time, worked full time, and was trying to do the school play for which i had a part. OVERLOAD
I walked away from everything for a while. I might have started cutting or burning myself again by then I dont remember.
I DONT know where i fit in. I've done things I'm not proud of. cried or cowared at the idea of certain people touching me. and on the other side of that when im feeling vaulnerable its like those fight or flight moments take over and i turn on my flirting, im aggressive, impulsive, i have this sick tendancy take somebody to their limit or i should say my limit i guess to see if i can still walk away. i have this strong front that i play well, but if i get pushed back i often shut down and submit when everything in my head is screaming. i dont want to be doing this. but i cant stop it. someone could get hurt. UGH!!!!!
I guess the flirting is like a sick hi. I found it easier than being objectified by others who were interested in me if i stayed in control of the situations. if someone could get past my walls and i could feel safe then they were my real friend. (cruel i know)
I wear my heart on my sleeve, trust few people more than i could throw them, but I love with everything that i am. I BELIEVE THERE IS SUCH A THING AS PASSION AND I BELIEVE IF YOU WANT SOMETHING BAD ENOUGH YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT. I WANT A LIFE THATS NORMAL...BUT WHAT IS THAT? HOW DO YOU FIGHT FOR THE UNKNOWN? (FAITH) THAT SOMETHING BETTER EXISITS, IDK THANKS FOR LISTENING.

I know I keep talking about the past...I am going to talk therapy though and have been pretty regularly for the last year or so. I'm just trying to get a handle on where all this is coming from. I've recently (last year) was able to fight thru the lows and got my associates degree, now I'm trying to finish my bachlors. I'm 34..... It seems so hard right now I forget why I'm doing any of it. Normally I would just go shopping, zone out for a couple hours but I don't even enjoy that anymore. I could careless about things I once loved to do. I'm able to recognize when I'm in trouble for the most part....I figure when It gets to a point where I can't keep it in check I have to get help. For the last 4-6 months I've been contemplating checking into a hospital but I feel like there's so much to do, I'd just be running away. I'll admit I get overloaded on a regular basis, but I feel like I can't let anyone down. My husband is trying to help and be understanding, which as long as I keep things in check it's easier...but he doesn't know everything. I tell him how I'm feeling without trying to scare him. He already checks up on me regularly.

Yes... I guess I do. But I never thought of them as manic episodes. I thought it was normal. I don't have major highs, not in the extreme that I've read about anyways. I would be sexually charged, more aggressive, more flirtatious, I just figured it was who I was, due to my past history. For as long as I can remember I've had to take sleeping pills because my mind wouldn't shut off, I take everything on at once because I feel like I have to, I can't let everyone down. When I want something done I'll do it myself. My husbands come home to find that I've rearranged the living room or bedroom, couches, Tv's, armoire, dressers, king size beds (nothing lite) It would take everything I had. I'm a wapping 5'2.5 lol...when I clean (and I suck at it) I have to start from the inside out, like inside drawers and crap. I cant just do the surface. It's not always me who over extends myself. My Husband often volunteers for so much crap I have to take up the slack. I go to school full-time, though I haven't been in 2 weeks, with school work I find if I don't get it done while at school I don't get it done at all. I can't concentrate at home, I feel like I'm not doing my job as a wife or mother If I take more time away from them. I play ball once a week with my husband (coed)(used to be for myself but I could careless about it this last year). I get so overwhelmed I have to drop everything just to hang on. I'd wake sometimes in the middle of the night or just not be able to sleep. I'd go into my bathroom and just cry....staring at all the things I could use to hurt myself, trying to reason the mess it would cause if I did. so instead I would crawl into the bathtub feel the cold against my body and face and just pray for it to pass or at least until I could pull it together enough to function. I wouldn't wake anyone, not if I could help it. Lately I just try and come to the living room when I can't sleep, sit in the recliner and just watch TV until I was so exhausted I would fall asleep. But usually my husband wakes, because he refuses to stay in bed without me in it and tells me to come back to bed. If I don't he'll sit with me, which makes me feel like crap because he has to get up early to go to work, then complains he's tired all the time, and I know it's my fault. He stays up (well actually falls asleep on the couch next to me) until 11 or 12 now. or until I agree to go lay down. So I make myself, as long as I can. I take my ambien earlier and earlier trying to make myself tired enough to go to sleep. I often wonder what's wrong with me?

Major furniture rearrangements are something I'd do too.  Always by myself.  It's amazing what I can move when I'm motivated!    That is something that started when I was a kid.  I rearranged my room MAJORLY every 6 months or more often.

As far as your husband volunteering you for things - that is definitely something you need to talk about!  He needs to know it affects your ability to cope with BP, and that you're not able to keep up with your IMPORTANT obligations (him, kids, school, etc) when he volunteers you for other things!  That is DISRESPECTFUL.  I can't tell you how angry and insulted I would be!  Is he having issues about you not working? 

Have you talked to your pdoc about having trouble sleeping?  Maybe your other meds need adjusting?

I think you need to talk to your husband about your NEED to stay up alone.  I would be so fuming mad if my SO was like that!  Does your husband have attachment issues?  That could make things complicated...

There's a fabulous book out there titled "Boundaries."  It is a self-help book from a Christian perspective.  It's really awesome and helpful, even if you don't appreciate/read the christian point of view part. 

I think right now you have more things going on than BP.  You need to learn how to keep your husband's actions from affecting you.  (The Boundaries book will teach you that)  Hopefully then, your husband will learn how to SUPPORT you.  Because what he *thinks* is supporting you is actually stressing you out and hurting both of you!

((((hug))))

I hear ya. I'm in a weird place right now. I don't what to make of my feelings. My husband is a bit over protective/possive. More insecure than anything. He loves me and sometimes like now when I'm feeling needy, it doesn't bother me. But other times it drives me nuts. He can't stand to know I'm off alone. He'd rather be right next to me. He's told me a dozen times at least to just watch tv in the bedroom, but it just feels like more pressure sometimes. And my daughter likes to sleep on the lounger at the foot of our bed so it bugs me even more that I'll wake her too. I've been thru the burning, cutting, wanting to drive my car into a brick wall. I used to give in more b4 I had kids, now I fight it harder. It's not ever easy though.

^^^ What he said. 

I call myself "defective" tongue-in-cheek with a huge smile.  lol  "all kinds of messed up"  "a variety of mental illnesses" "hopelessly, permanently broken"  lolol

Getting the BP diagnosis and finding out my previous diagnoses was a HUGE relief for me.  Knowing what was wrong empowered me to find solutions, seek help and eventually get it in remission.

Check in - let us know how today goes.  :)  I'll be around today.  Just holler if you need anything.  :)

Do you ever get a day off?  It's important!  Not just for your sanity, but to ensure you are appreciated.

I'm a stay-at-home momma.  I keep the house clean, lunch on the table at 12:10, dinner by 6:00, laundry done, animals cared for, gardens tended, shopping done, etc.

But I DO NOT do housework on the weekends.  I'll do yardwork because I love it.  I take care of the dogs and my rabbits.  But I don't do anything that isn't necessary.

Sure it leaves a HUGE mess to clean up on Monday morning, but the mess is a weekly reminder to my SO of how much I actually do during the week.

I think it's time for your husband to step up and take control of something for you.  My XDH left everything to me.  The bills were especially stressful because there was never enough money to go around.  Even now, financial stuff causes me to have fits of anxiety.  I avoid going to the bank at almost any cost.  It took me 7 months to pay my property taxes, and it wasn't for lack of $ (it was in escrow) but I couldn't manage the stress of it.

My SO takes care of all the $, except my marital debt.  It's been such a huge relief that I've been able to do a little bit more than I expected.  I have been able to earn enough money to cover my car payment, even though he plans on paying it.  I'm starting to gain some confidence.

Just 1 day off a week, and 1 responsibility handed off to your husband (that he takes over, not you having to pull teeth!) could do so much for you.  It could do a lot for your marriage too - 1 less fight to stress out over.  :)

We've said a couple times what your husband appears to be deficient in.  But definitely DON'T nag him!  The best way to change behavior is through rewards.  Look for EVERY LITTLE thing he does to support you - or at least try to support you.  Thank him, appreciate him.  It will encourage him to do more for you.  :warmfuzzyfeelings:

If you haven't already read... (MY childhood/early adulthood bio) I was originally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. However when I started therapy again as an adult, my doctors believed I was suffering more from major depression moderate with signs of PTSD. What seemed to be the biggest stump to get over for all of them was that I was functioning. They never saw how bad it got or how hard I fought in silence. I just felt that the rest of the world was more important. I had responsibilities...I couldn't let everyone down. Once I told an evaluator my previous diagnosis, after talking with me for less than 5 min, he said that I wasn't borderline. maybe depressed. lol dumbass. I told my family physician once that I was taking antidepressants, and he asked me why? I told him I had a history of abuse and was depressed. He asked me if I was sure someone didn't plant that thought in my head. I was too pretty to be depressed. laughable. I don't care much for my pdoc but I at least think he's on the right track with the bipolar part. after reading up on it... It makes a lot of sense. After I broke it down with my regular therapist, we were able to put everything together and everything fell into place. My mania was subtle by most standards, reasonable given my sexual history. My ability to reason what was happening prevented me from letting it go too far. I had my kids to think about. What kind of mess I would leave behind for them if I wasn't here. The pain has gotten worse since I started back to school. The stress has sent me overboard at times but somehow I've managed to get my associates and maintain a 3.75 GPA. I've since transfered to another school to finish up my Bachelor's degree. I got thru the first semester but this last one I've fallen apart. Everything is crashing or at least I am. I just can't keep up this charade. I'm broken....in pieces.