Not going well

I don't know if I am heading into an episode or if I'm still not recovered from missing my meds last week.

I feel like a failure.  I can't think of anything I've done well or done right in the last week.  I feel like there is no place for me in life - I feel that I have failed in everything and that there are no options left.

I dread my SO coming home.  I can't imagine that he could feel anything towards me except disappointment, frustration, and anger.  I am embarassed, frustrated and livid at myself for not being able to do the simplest things.  I am angry that I'm not even halfway done with a to-do list from 4 days ago.  I hate who I am right now.

I am ANGRY that I can't talk to him.  He has made it very clear that he has no sympathy, no empathy, and is irritated by crying.  If I think, I cry.  If I move, I cry.  I sit like a statue when he is home, not moving, not thinking, holding my breath and trying not to cry.  The moment he steps out the door, I fall apart crying.

I have no patience for my son.  I dread him waking up in the morning.  I have no energy to do anything for or with him.  I hate hearing him ask, "What's wrong with momma?"

I sleep on the couch so I can cry alone.  I sleep alone because I can't even sleep next to my SO without waking him up at night, causing him to be tired the next day.  I can't live right, I can't sleep right.  I can't work.  I can't stay in school.  I can't be trusted to remember my meds.  I can't run simple errands.  I can't cook dinner and keep the house clean.  I've run out of things I can do and now I have nothing left except to wait until I die.

Oh - It's not that at all.  My SO is wonderful.  He is patient and gentle.  He steps in and takes care of my son when I can't.  He does eveything he can to support me.  But he is a stoic type.  Claims he doesn't have feelings. 

If I didn't love him and value him so much, I wouldn't care about disappointing him.    When I can't do anything right, I feel that no one could love me.  I can't love myself - how could someone else love me?  Do you know what I mean?

Sorry to hear your down tortise, that sucks big time. I sometimes forget my meds, then remember at 12 midnight when im all snug in bed, so up i get, walk down to the kitchen and take them. Way i figure it buys me another day of sanity.

Like i have said before i have let go of alot of the things in life that used to be so imortant to me and amnow concentrating on just a few, core things. If the dishes get done great, if not, tommrow is another day. I work on keeping healthy and sane so i can continue to be a good husband and father. Thats about it. I now enjoy when i get the time and energy to work on a project, but i dont let the project consume me.

Hope you get to feeling better soon. I just got back from 2 hours on the bike in the hills and feel tired but great. Now i am going o ride to work at the firehouse and do a night shift so thats another 45 minites of riding ahead of me. Tommrrow i am taking big Puppy for another visit to the creek and will enjoy the look on his face as he enjoys the simple thing of playing in water. I'll tell you animals have a lot to teach us if we only pay attention.

Bill

I am sure that this IS temporary Tortoise11. I use a pill box. It has sections in it for every day of the week. That way I know that I took my meds. If I don't, I will forget. The only bad part is filling it up on Saturday nights. I take ten different things and it is a 30 minute job. I wont notice it until I go to take my last xanax at night, then I realize that I have to do it.

I hope that you feel better soon, you know we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen

I feel like crap today.  My knees feel weak (a sure sign of an oncoming anxiety attack), I'm exhausted.  I just want to sleep, but I'm making myself stay up and do stuff with my rabbits, updating the rabbit blog etc.

SO is not being particularly understanding.    He's having a "just snap out of it" day.  I wish I could.

I forgot my med this morning, but remembered it early afternoon and took it then.  D*mn I am messed up right now. 

To top it off, I gained 10 lbs and have been trying to slowly lose weight.  Then I just stopped eating, so frustrated and feeling awful.  I gained 3 pounds from not eating?!  WTH?!  Wow - almost makes me want dinner..  NOT! 

I just want to sleep.

Deleted.