I really want you're opinion

Ok... I know that I'm still new to all this, I'm having to look back at my life and try to identify which moods were what? The Depression is the easy part, I suffer from that more than anything. It's the mania I'm trying to pin point. Oh how I would rather be in that state....though I realize now that those episodes are more self destructive because I don't fight to reason them and when I come off of them I spiral out of control into depression. Thats when I fight...just to keep breathing. Some times are harder than others...... Here's where I'm LOST.... I have a loving but at times very insecure husband who sometimes tends to smother me. ( I think it's because he's always afraid of losing me to someone else or maybe just come to my senses jk lol ) He has some great qualities taking care of me is one of them, loving me is the other, However he has a problem finishing anything he starts and I often feel like I have 3 children instead of 2. He has a bad habit of over extending himself therefore over extending me in the process to help him keep up or take up the slack. My BIGGEST problem I'm realizing is that he triggers my PTSD...when I'm blocking it out, it's not an issue, it's the moments that creep in, pass quickly thru my mind no matter how in significant that tare me to pieces. I can't forgive what I Don't know (read "all I can say" to understand) I cease to function and fall apart. There have been other triggers that have brought it to the forefront in the last several months, like my aunt (the one I lived with from 12-20 and think of as my other mother) allowing my cousins (the one who claims to have had consensual sex with my husband at 14) younger sister now 20 or so to move in with them without so much as a word to me that it was coming. (we only live a few miles away and are over there often. We're very close.) I didn't find out till my uncle was leaving to the airport to go get her. I cried....She (my aunt) tried to reason that it had nothing to do with me. I left the house and drove off. My aunt then called me and I went off, I've never yelled at her before but I lost it. I asked her what the hell she was thinking. The very least she could do was give me some warning, let me prepare myself. I asked her if she was trying to destroy me...because she had no idea what she was about to do. I knew what was coming inside, The fight with myself that would insue. She defended her decision but I think said she was sorry if it hurt me...I was so out of my mind I don't remember everything. I found out later when I called around that everyone in my family knew, my mom, my grandparents...(all of which I've lived with for 2 years or more growing up) and no told me. I felt betrayed by everyone. My mom's excuse was that she wasn't for sure it was going to happen, the excuse my mom gave for my grandmother not telling me was she was afraid I would be mad at her. My Aunt (as great as she can be) is sometimes too logical and thinks everything should be cut and dry. To her it wasn't the sister so therefore it wasn't her fault, and It would be wrong of me to hold anything against her and foolish to have her presence affect me. (UGH SCREAM) This is the same cousin who last time she visited tried her darndest to get me to talk with her sister, tried to play peace maker and push us together. Said she didn't know if it was true. (her sister is gay now by the way) On daughters birthday she handed me a phone and I almost took it. Then asked who it was and she said it was her sister and she wanted to talk to me..... I looked at her and walked away. I had to keep moving forward. This was years ago, but her moving here was just last year. As I suspected it only lasted a few months. trouble from the get go. disrespectful, cruel, she has her own set of issues and trys to suck everyone else in in the process to feel sorry for things she creates. I believe for years she as well as her sister want the relationship that I have with my family. She held me responsible for my aunt not allowing her sister to move here, and be with her. although no one ever asked me and I knew nothing about it. (would I have said no....darn right) I will put anything aside to help someone else that I can't stand but there are lines even I know I'm not strong enough to endure. I'm at least greatful that my aunt made the proper decession there on my behalf. I couldn't understand I've lived here for 22 years, even when My aunt (their mother passed away, I didn't go to the funeral, not because I didn't want to or didn't love her completely but out of respect for the rest of the family. It was the place to put such reminders of the past in the forefront. BUt why do they insist on coming to where I live, and invading my life. They envy the relationship that I have with my grandparents, mother, aunt and uncle. They wish they could take my place. They've said as much. The problem is.... They are not me. I care too much for my family to ever do them harm or disrespect them for my own personal gain. I would protect them till the day i die.... And those two sisters will never measure up. Don't get me wrong... I forced myself to try for a relationship with my cousin, told her that I didn't hate her, I realized she was not apart of what may have happened between her sister and my husband. But she was is in so many ways like her sister. manipulative, lying constantlly, that's why she was here to begin with. she was in too much trouble at home and her father and new wife couldn't make things work with her. She took it out on everyone like they owed her something, instead of just being part of a family, and accepting the love that comes with it.
I'll have to finish this later my husband is calling for my time elsewhere. I'll finish this thought soon. Feedback would be nice.... I know I'm rambling on, I just have a million thoughts coming thru my head right now.
Thanks for reading

Your post is hard to read as one paragraph. I had trouble with it myself. And it is really long. Which makes it harder. But I had the same thing with my cousin. And I was in a relationship with the guy at the time. I ended up breaking up with the guy and my cousin and I haven't spoken since. And this was 24 years ago. I have no regrets, and I have forgotten about it and moved on. Sometimes you just have to move on to newer things. Take life one day at a time and deal with the present.

Hugs, Karen

My apologies for rambling...there are just so many things going thru my head. When it hits I just write, not think...if that makes sense. The thing with my husband and (My) cousin was 10 or 11 years ago. I still don't know for sure if it happened, just that I'm stuck in limbo. Trying to figure out still how to really go on, not just pretend everything is fine.
When everything came out...or at least the accusations I had just had our daughter. I did I suppose what was best for us at the time. Now I don't know if anything is right.

I too hope that you are seeing a therapist. And yes, leave the past where it should be. In the past. Take life one day at a time and live in the moment. Not with your mind on the past, or worrying about the future. This makes life a lot easier. For you and everybody else around you...

Best wishes my friend,

Hugs, Karen

 

PTSD is not a life sentence.  You do not have to live in the past.  You are NOT a victim!  You are not "messed up."  You are experiencing a typical human response to chronic trauma. You are strong and resilient person; your life has given you strength and character and made you the beautiful person that you are today.

You cannot blame yourself.  It is what it is.  You did the best you could with the abilities and knowledge you had at the time.

To forgive is NOT the same as to let it go.  It does NOT mean that "it is OK."  It does NOT mean that you are not hurt.  You don't even have to talk to the person or tell them you forgive them.  It is something completely inside of your - in your mind.

Baby steps here...

Your husband

Your cousin

Your aunt

Your daughter

YOURSELF - (always hard)

Who is easiet to forgive?  Your daughter?  Do you in any way feel that your daughter during pregnancy and birth restricted you from sex, left your husband unsatisfied?  Any suppressed, lingering resentment?  (of course you love her!  but mixed, suppressed feeling are totally possible) 

For 2 years, I wrongly blamed my son for the end of a long (and good) manic episode and the beginning of a depressive episode.  When I began to understand what this BP thing is, I was able to forgive him and move on..

I have some material from a small group I led for people with hopelessly broken lives.  One of the exercises was to write down EVERYONE who had wronged you.  It was broken up over 3 weeks so it wasn't overwhelming.  It was absolutely eye-opening for all of us how much we hung onto - especially from childhood.  Write it down, clear your mind, get it OUT!

If you want any materials or exercises, email me.  Topics were trust, love, forgiveness, healing, vulnerability, etc.

I completely identify with the stuff with your mother.  Except it was my dad.  They FINALLY came to terms with something is actually wrong with me.  I don't think they really understood how bad it was until I got stable.

Now that they've accepted it, it's like that resentment is totally gone.  What a relief.  I mean, what kind of person doesn't love their parents?    Now I don't necessarily have to talk to them.  They did their reading online, so they have a pretty good idea of what BP is.  So if they ask how I am, I can just say "not good" and send my son to stay with them for a few days.

Keep writing.  The more you write, the less scattered and depressed your posts sound.    I'll shut up and take my unsolicited advice elsewhere.  LOL  

I love that song.  So soothing.