saying goodbye when you don't want to

I thought I was doing a good thing and suddenly realize who am I what am I. Where do I begin is there truely a begining in life or an end or is it pain? I just recieved my things from an amazing man today that I said goodbye to for my children and his child to I guess. I walked into his life like a lightening streak and I guess disappeared like one to. He was my soul mate if I ever found one. We were best friends, but don't even best friends have an arguement once in awhile. This is traggic for me because I feel so much more than most people. I know I am different why am I being pleaged.

Cateyes...
So much pain and it sounds like you are feeling every ounce of it. I will ask the same question Bill asked: Are you OK?? Honest?? I wish I had a magic wand to wave and make things OK for you. Sadly, you have to work this out yourself but do not ofrget the people on the forum are here ready to listen and offer support. If you can't handle what is going on, please find a counselor to talk to. Keep posting

Cateyes...
If you can't remember anything else right now...breathe. Try hard as you can to take a deep breath. I can;t quite tell for sure from your post so if I am off the mark, I am sorry, but it seems what happened was messed up with others thought, your concern for your kids....and somehow you were evastated in the process. And don't know how to sort out the mess or pick up the pieces. I have many times, woken in the morning and dreaded the day ahead, and often walked thru the day in a daze and in pain. Something a lot of times other people can't see and you end up feeling very alone. Days like that even if I manage to get thru 5 minutes at a time, eventually the day does end and you have survived....barely maybe. A good ocunselor does not "pick your brain"...a good one listens,hears your pain lets you use up a box of kleenex and when you are ready, helps you move beyond the pain. Please keep posting....we hear you

How is it I can talk to my soon to be divorced husband and he has no emotion for me at all. I so feel like a piece of garabage all used up and thrown away. I have never met a human so cold and dispondant from feelings. Or is it that I feel to deep and even when I say goodbye to someone it still breaks me into a million pieces. Goodbye is painful rather it be in divorce, friendship, death, or tragedy. Maybe I am alone in this but I do not like good byes on any circumstances. I need to figure out how the rest of this screwd up world works because I care way to much and am trampled on far to many times for my own good. I just fall for people's illusional behavior and my burst of energy is there because I really like this person they are pretending to be and then all of the sudden everything shifts thier different I'm different and the whole darn world just collasped. I have a therory that maybe just maybe I want greatness so bad that I am willing to sacrafice all that I am to get it. I have looked back at everyone whom I have ever had a lasting relationship with and realized that I have given up myself too many times to please them and when everything falls apart I am suddenly thrown into a tornado of all these emotions like who am I. I have spent so much time being who they would like me to be that I have lost track of who I am or ever was. Although I closed a chapter in my book I am begining a new one. The father of my boys a man in which is truely unique in everyway is trying his damdest to put our life back together and say ok you have grown I have grown lets focus on our children and make it work. Wow my head is in a tail spin because we have history together and I have been jaded so many times by others I am in awh. He is everything I wanted him to be 8 years ago. I think thats the problem. I can't believe in him because of what I have seen before but, he is busting his butt to make it up to me in everyway. Yes again we have history the only person who I was ever connected to in such a way that he understood my good and bad times just like I understood his but did I make excuses for him and let him off the hook when there was bad behavior. Can I look at him today for the man he is now and let my memories die. I want to I really do. I don't know if my pain isn't so severe that I can trust another human again. He loves his two boys and he has never lost the flame for me I think it's one of them everlasting loves only special people carry. He to is Bi-polar and I think thats why we get eachother. Our two children are Bipolar as well. Is this a deadly combination?

   Cateyes. Men shutting down and becoming cold and methodical is a defense mechanism we use to handle things that are out of our depth.  I've seen it on the fireground when something very bad has happened. I have employed it myself concerning my wife when we are having troubles. Its just something that we do, how we are hard wired, not really a concious thought at all.  

    I'm also in teh same boat as you (Is this a BP condition?) I also give everything of myself only to have it seemingly thrown back in my face. I have to suck it up when she makes mistakes and i'm not allowed to say anything about that but boy let me make a mistake and she is all over me like a dog on a ham bone. 

   Plus we as BP people can move mountains, however we also need more care, love, tenderness, than normal people. We acutely feel the lack of things we need, and "normal" people cant seem to understand that this isnt a "want" Its a "need", just like food and water and air to breathe.

   ANd no, i dont think  a family of BP people is doomed to failure.  Sure you two have to watch things more closely than normal people do. But in the end you can give your children the understanding that they will need to grow up and manage this condition.

  Is he perfect? Nope, not by  along shot. But then neither are you. But are you perfect for each other? Thats the big question. Do i think you should take a chance on him, yes. You seem to have a real conection that only us special people can understand (a good side of BP) Once connected we can go years without seeing the other person then when we see them its like no time at all has passed. Don;t get me wrong, this will be  alot of work on your part and his. But if you can get past the history that was bad and start to make some history together that is good  then you have a real chance of making a life together.

   As allways we are here to listen and help you out. Lord knows i'm going to need to vent real soon. LOL LOL LOL

     Bill

 

   Cateyes, of course there will be bad times, cant be helped. But plan for them, have all those support systems in place to help you through them. Do everything you can do now, before the storms come, to prepare both yourself and him for the trials ahead.

  In the end, thats all you can do. That and what  you can do to change yourself. Letting things go, not nagging, acceptance of others faults. These are all things that takes years to learn and master. Many people just quit because it is easier to do that then face up to years of hard work. But you know what? Even if you only managed two weeks of working on it you are just a little bit closer to the person that you want to be than if you hadnt tried at all.

   Personnel story here (G - rated, hard to believe, you all know how bad i've been.)      I have been racing bicycles for 21 years. Well over 500 races. I have never won once. Came close many many times but couldnt seem to find  away to win. But do i feel like a loser? Do i feel like all that effort was wasted on a lost cause? NO AND NO. I have 21 years of great memories to pull from that i never would have had if i hadn;t tried at all.

    Cateys i say it again and again. Celebrate every day you do well like you have won the superbowl. and work hard every day you fail to pick yourself up and try harder the next day. Not only will you find a new life for yourself, but you will show your children and those who love you just how committed and special you are.

   Good luck my friend.

    Bill