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I feel like Im crazy

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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 10/25/2010 6:24 AM (GMT 0)
I havent been on any meds for about two weeks as Ive been trying to work issues out with my insurance company and Ive been rapid cycling.  The other day I was very manic while I was at school.  I was walking around the campus screaming at people and trying to start fights with random people.  I was kicked out of my biotechnology class for being disruptive and only avoided being kicked out of biology because it was a lecture hall and the teacher couldnt hear me.  Theres a guy in my biology class that I have a crush on and have only talked to a few times.  Anyways after class I went up to him and randomly asked him if he wanted to go have sex with me.  He politely declined and I--unembarassed--continued on my way.  Since then Ive crashed down and have been cutting myslef again despite my best efforts.  Tomorrow I have to return to biology and my now embarassing situation with that guy and I dont know what to do.  I really like him and I want to apologize but I dont know what to say or how to act.  He doesnt know me very well so Im certain he thinks Im crazy.  I feel crazy and I just really dont want to go to school tomorrow but I have a test in biotech and Im already behind in biology.  My best friend has been doing her best to help me but she just doesnt understand what Im going through right now.  This is the first time that Ive actually thought about the fact that Im going to be bipolar forever and that its never going to go away.  Im just really depressed and no one seems to be able to understand or help me.
Posted 10/25/2010 7:31 AM (GMT 0)
Courtney -

I think you need to go to ER or contact your psychiatrist and ask to be admitted to the hospital right away.

Please call your doctor or go to ER now OK? Not tomorrow, I mean now, tonight.

I'll be on-line for a little while. Let me know what's going on.

Patricia
Posted 10/25/2010 12:44 PM (GMT 0)
Courtney,
I hope today is going better for you and I hope you took Patricias advice, your post kind of seems like you're at a breaking stressful moment. I can only speak for myself but i understand where you are coming from with that overwhelming feeling of realizing this is for life. This isn't new though, youve been bi polar for a while I'm guessing from your history, and you've survived this long, now it has a name, that's it. Things get better, the medicine helps when you find the right combo. Remember while it feels like you're alone because your friends don't understand, you aren't alone, you have a forum of people here for you. And your friends? It takes time for them to learn just like it will take you. My email is open so if you need someone to just vent to email me, I've got my phone on me 24/7 soni can answer.
Posted 10/25/2010 4:13 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Courtney,

I agree you should get in touch with a pdoc (hopefully you have one). Did you go off of your meds cold turkey bc of the insurance? That could explain your current state.

Hopefully you are charting your moods? It's important to keep track of your moods and note your actions as well.

If you can't get in touch with pdoc, going to the hospital might not be a bad idea; so you can be assessed and get some help.

Keep us posted; it's very important to act on what is happening.

Posted 10/25/2010 8:49 PM (GMT 0)
I was able to go to my doctor this morning and he gave me some meds to tie me over until I get everything worked out with the insurance company.  Im still feeling really down but hopefully the meds will start to take effect soon.  Thank you everybody for all your concern
Posted 10/25/2010 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
Just wanting to be clear.

You told your pdoc the things you shared here - screaming at strangers, starting fights with random strangers, approaching a total stranger about having sex, being ejected from class due to disruptive behavior, renewed cutting, despondency over being bipolar?

You clearly disclosed all those behaviors and he sent you home with your regular meds?

What meds did he send you home with?

I don't mean to imply approval or criticism - I just thought I'd ask the question. Please feel free to tell me to mind my own business.
Posted 10/26/2010 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
Yes I told him everything that I was doing, everything I described plus my lack of sleep and behavoir around my friends as well.  Im on Geodon
Posted 10/27/2010 12:15 AM (GMT 0)
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

http://www.selfinjury.com/index.html Another great resource by S.A.F.E (self abuse finally ends) Alternatives

Really thought your pdoc would do more that that ! You have not reached a dead-end, and if you still feel the way you did, go to the ER right away. We want you to be safe and get treatment for this crummy way you are feeling.

If you can;'t get a ride, I think the police will give you one if you explain the situation.

As for the boy, you could say sorry I said that, didn't mean to embarrass you, was out of line and hope you will just let it go. But don't even worry about that right now.

Keep posting pls.
Posted 10/27/2010 12:29 AM (GMT 0)
Im only feeling hypomanic right now but its the depressive comedown that Im not looking foward to.  If I start to feel sucidial or go into full blown mania again Im staying at a friends house so they can keep an eye on me.  She knows all about the situation and knows me really well so she will be able to tell if my mood changes at all.  As for my pdoc, I go back next monday but I really think I need to be on a higher dosage of my medicine, especially since Im still hypomanic even though Im on the Geodon now.  He only has me on 65mg of Geodon and 60mg of Celexa.  Do you think that could be why Im still having hypomania even though Ive been on the medication for almost a week now?  Im just wondering if this is normal?
Posted 10/27/2010 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
So glad to hear from you, and that you are safe.

I don't know about that being normal for your meds. Sometimes starting new meds can throw you into one end of the spectrum or another. Do know that if you go really really up, you will go an equal distance down, usually, what my doc says.

Good point was made, start recording your moods.
Posted 10/27/2010 1:23 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah I usually go down just as much as I go up.  Thanks for the advice, I love journaling so Im really going to start recording my moods

 

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