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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 11/19/2010 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all, I'm new here and looking for some advice from people who have bipolar & people who have or are living with a sufferer.

I have been in a courtship for over a year, and my fiancee showed traits such as over reactions, fatalistic view of life, immense anger and loads of crying, all of which are triggered by something that does not warrant such an exaggerated reaction. She has always been a raging insomniac, very productive and gets a lot of things done efficiently.

I know she has in the past tried to take her life, has had a very difficult childhood, and was involved in a failed relationship, which she claims was because her ex was a pyscopath (tried abusing her), besides that, she has very often voiced immense fears & anxieties about a myriad of stuff...

I took all this as just her personality quirks, I was not very well versed with mental diseases and did not see anything as a 'symptom'.

As the situation stands now, we were supposed to get married in the first week of november. However, she slipped into a euphoric state of mind. She just got over excited about everything, couldn't stop talking, and then came the depressive bouts. I thought it was some for of stress or emotional/mental exhaustion that was causing her to go haywire. So i tried my level best not give her any stress, took her to huge shopping sprees, to her parents home, and then to a one day trip to the country. It is on this trip that things totally got out of hand.

A male friend of mine sent me a harmless chain text message, when she saw who it was, she just went into a rage.. things never improved after that. I suddenly saw a definite pattern to her behavior, highs ... and lows and (now that I've read about this a little more) the 'cycles' were happening in a matter of hours.

Now she has been admitted to hospital, going on sedatives. The preliminary diagnosis is Bipolar II disorder. However, the doctors say they need more time to confirm or otherwise. Needless to say the wedding has been cancelled.

Just recently, i have gotten to know that both her father and her brother are also bipolar.

I love her, and care for her a lot. But all this has thrown a dilemma in my direction.

I wonder if she will ever be able to take the pressures & rigors of a married life. She is a strong well educated woman, who dare i say before she met me, was very career oriented. Marrying her will mean putting her in situations that will be potentially emotionally explosive. It would be like sitting on a keg of gunpowder ready to blow. What will happen when we have kids. What sort of home atmosphere will we be giving the children.

I'm mighty confused, whether to risk it & to go ahead and marry this girl. Or run the risk of telling her that its best for both of us to not marry, and further push her into the agonizing hell she is in right now.

I want to help her in whatever way i can, but at the same time I want to spare both of us the agony of a lifetime.
Posted 11/20/2010 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
It is a medical condition just like any other. Many people with bipolar who take regular medication live perfectly normal lives. Medication and regular visits to the doctor may keep her steady. Others, who are not as compliant about medication, or things to avoid like drugs or alcohol have a harder time of it. There are also those who simply have a more severe condition and it is harder to manage.
My husband is Bipolar II and other than seeing his doctor once every 3 months and taking medication morning and evening like clockwork, would would not know he is bipolar. He is the rock of our household. I am also bipolar II, but I also have rheumatoid arthritis and the treatment of the arthritis makes treating the bipolar difficult. You can tell I'm bipolar.
There is no way for you or I to know what your soon to be wife will become.
Many here at healingwell have had issues with relationships lasting. Some might tell you that it is better to cut and run while you can. I'm not one of those. Would you break this off if the condition was cancer? What about high blood pressure or diabetes? Is it the term "mental illness" that causes you to pause? The stigma is still out there.
Married life might keep her more stable, learning what her stresses are and avoiding them will help. Being very careful about any herbs or medication and avoiding alcohol completely will be important.
If she has bipolar then your children may or may not have bipolar. It only means that the genetic tendency will be there. There is an environmental, emotional factor in there as well. I think the risk increases for 20-30% for one parent and 50-60% for two, but please don't quote me on that. There is interesting research on the genetic factor.
It all comes down to if you want to spend your life with her, or not. Do you love her, or not?

My personal opinion on my very limited knowledge- roll with it. You'll be OK.
Posted 11/20/2010 12:42 AM (GMT 0)
Pick up the book "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" and get her to see a psychiatrist. This can be a hard road, but I can promise you'll never get bored! lol :D
Posted 11/21/2010 1:29 AM (GMT 0)
I just want to point out a couple things, you sound a lot like my boyfriend, by this I mean, you clearly love her, or else you wouldn't have taken the time to look everything up and join a forum. So the question of love has clearly already been answered there, even if she can't see it sometimes, I struggle with that when I have my lows. You say she "claims" her ex was a psycho path, sounds like you can't decide whether to believe her or not, now I'm no expert, but I've done(like most on here) pretty extensive research on people with Bipolar disorder and we seem to attract the "crazies", I doubt he was actually a psychopath but in all honestly, it's not very far fetched that she was with someone abusive. As for the married life, children....Take some time and try to be there for her while she's going through this, but make sure you stop to take time for YOURSELF. There are plenty of people who can't handle the pressure of marriage or children who aren't bipolar, but there are plenty of people who handle it amazing who ARE. This is a big change for both of you, and maybe even for the better if it can help her get stabilized. I agree with tortoise on the book, my boyfriend just ordered it the other day, it isn't very expensive, I think at the book store it's maybe $16 and only it's around $10. I know this probably isn't very helpful, but where you are right now, you've already done more than some people, you've showed the initiative and the caring to step forward and try to learn where you guys can go from here. I hope everything works out from you and I hope we see more of you!
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