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Bipolar Disorder
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Posted 12/9/2010 4:40 AM (GMT 0)
I thought I was feeling stronger....I've been taking my meds every day.
I had to go to the workforce today, I received a letter saying that if my family was going to continue to receive assistance I had to report there and they wanted me actively look for a job. I went there with the intention of explaining my situation, that I should be back at school in January and did I still need to do that as a student. Halfway thru the conversation I lost it. I started balling. Surrounded by a good 50+ people. Thankfully the supervisor how was talking to me took me back into her office. I explained about my illness and about my doctors. The only plus was that she told me to just get a letter from my doctor stating that I.am unable to work right now.
I called my doctor when I left and she said that the letter wasn't a problem....it wasn't something i can do right now in my treatment....but what she said next was almost as big a blow as the public crying fit. She said I wasn't ready to go back to school either. After what happened today I have to agree with her. This was exactly what I was afraid of happening at school.
I've been seeing my new doc regularly since August and my new therapist about a month after that. I thought I was doing well but I've also been home the last 4 months trying my best to stay stress free. I feel like I've taken 10 steps back today. I know that I'm still relatively new to this. 9 months maybe but this sucks.
Posted 12/9/2010 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
the thing about this disorder is that it takes awhile to learn how to live with it. after two years plus I now feel like I have some kinda grip on this thing. For me it meant getting my meds right, and then living that way for awhile to learn what living normal felt like. once I had a sense of what normal was, then I started making decisions regarding my life.
you have to give yourself time, time to grieve, time to heal, time to relearn how to live life with this inside of you. give it time it will come.
Posted 12/9/2010 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
I thought I could just go in and be myself or what I used to be anyways. I felt blindsided, I couldn't make the tears stop as much as I wanted to. I fell apart....
Posted 12/10/2010 2:52 AM (GMT 0)
 

  At least for me, i had to learn how to be a new person. And that took th ebetter part of two years to come to grips with the new me. BP had so changed me that the medicine took that away and in effect changed me into something new. And yes, i felt great sadness for losing certain aspects of BP, the creativity for instance, and the huge overwhelming sex drive for another. Those things had become such a part of my life over the years, losing thme felt like a limb cut off.

  Thats why i said you need time to grieve. To grieve the person you where who was lost. And time to learn the person you will become. All that takes time and effort. And acceptance. Accepting that losing certain things will open you up to be filled with new, wonderful things.

 Keep the faith, you will get there with hard work and a good spirit.

  Bill 

 

Posted 12/12/2010 3:03 AM (GMT 0)
Bill,

You are such a good encourager.  The following that you wrote means a lot to me:

Thats why i said you need time to grieve. To grieve the person you where who was lost. And time to learn the person you will become. All that takes time and effort. And acceptance. Accepting that losing certain things will open you up to be filled with new, wonderful things.

That is hopeful.  It helps to hear this from someone who is walking the path.  I have other people say it to me who don't really know what it is like, and I have a hard time receiving it from them. 

Not2L8, all of that must have been a real let down. I do know that I am also still figuring out what the new new is.  And I do think it takes a number of months for the meds to fully reach their therapeutic level even if you are not increasing the dosage during that time.  Just don't let this make you feel like your future is foreclosed.  It wasn't the right time yet.  That doesn't mean there won't be a right time.

Sun

 

Posted 12/12/2010 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
I here all of you.....I just felt that somehow I was still the same. It was a big blow. I'm still moving up on my Lithium, hopefully I'll find some solid ground. Right now I feel vulnerable, every time I turn around I get choked up. Some things I'll start to talk about in general conversation and suddenly I want to cry, so I don't talk I just listen. I wasn't expecting this to take months let alone maybe years. I get mad at myself for not having the ability to shut the emotions down. I feel like I'm letting everyone down not being able to finish school right now. Every time I turn around someone's asking how's school is going? I know they don't mean anything by it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm trying to accept the new me.....the hardest part is realizing that there is a "New" me.
Posted 12/12/2010 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
I am with you on that one Not2L8.  I don't like having a new me either at all.  I don't understand what changed that I became bipolar at age 44.  It is something I continue to struggle to accept.

 

Posted 12/12/2010 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
ou know, having a good cry is oftentimes one of the best ways to relieve the stress inside of you. I'm. 6'2", 225lbs full time firefighter and full time loss prevention detective I know how to be tough. and stil from time to time I get chocked up and even cry. and I feel better afterward, kinda washes away the stress of being bp and human.
and it takes real time to learn the new you your medicstion will unveil. but I can say, taking wgat I lost versus what I gained, it has all been worth it. was it hard, yep. was there days I wanted to quit? u bet. but thru that long, hard slog I kept thinking about the little victories, and tried to keep an open mind about the path my life was taking.
and like I said, I grieved long and hard for what I had lost. cause despite the bad, there were some amzing gifts bp gave me. and I grieved hard the loss of my creative side. but its loss has been filled by a peace I had never known before. as I sit here writing this my heart, mind, and soul are at peace.
I hope u soon find some of this peace to help you thru this trying time in your life.

Bill
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