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SO do you think i am BP or not?

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Posted 12/18/2010 4:01 AM (GMT 0)
 

  Yep, im asking the question. Here is why. My wife, (with the divorce going on) keeps telling me that something else is wrong with me. That i am not BP. That my problems are not the fault of BP but some other ailment. SHe says that she has talked to her therpast and another  friend who is bp and they both say (without talking to me) that i am not bp.

  It came up again today when she was angry. She says i am too happy being alone, that my sex issues are not BP sex issues. That i am using BP for an excuse to not be with her.

  Its been two long years i have been here talking about who and what i am. THe BP meds respridal helps me so much. My spending is under control, my sex issues are under control, even my rage issues are well under control. I no longer get racing thoughts, although every once in a while they come back and give me a night of restlessness.

  She said before i was BP and i was. Even though she is angry now, and upset about the divorce, could she be right? If not BP what could i be? It just may be the rage of a woman soon to be divorced, i dont know. My feelings have been that yes i am BP, it so perfectly fit with what my issues were. My P-doc also agrees.

  We you all know me, you have known me for two plus years. What do you think? Am i just being over cautious? And yes, since i have left i have been happier, not out screwing everything in sight, just happier i dont have to deal with all the anger and bitterness. Thats my feelings.

  Thanks Bill

Posted 12/18/2010 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

You certainly don't fit into one of the cookie-cutter bipolar "types." Y'know what I mean? There's a bp2's that are always depressed, the bp1's and 2's that are ultraradian (me), the bp1's with psychotic features... I kinda group different people into different bp types and find it interesting to compare notes and meds amoung people that have similar symptoms or mood patterns.

If I was gonna call you something, it would be unipolar manic - which isn't in DSM-IV, btw. (Does anyone else wonder why unipolar depression is in there and unipolar manic is not?) But also you have huge amounts of caffiene in you which would be affecting it. And that is where you get interesting because caffiene tends to promote the rapid-cycling. Caffiene doesn't seem to make you cycle.

Don't worry about it. You treatment plan is working, you got outside of an unhappy marriage and you are living your own life. Sounds good to me!
Posted 12/18/2010 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
 

  Thanks tortise. THats kinda how i feel. After being on this site for 2 plus years i have seen a variety of symptons associated with BPI and BPII. As a generall rule of thumb caffenee doesnt affect me, weird.  I don't get depressed often but boy when i do its right to the bottom, then back up inside a day, or the hour.

   This morning i had a huge headache, and a generally beat up feeling. Kinda like i get after a mania. Dealingn with my wifes anger/blame issues had really run me thru the ringer last night. But i am fine now.   

  However it has shown me yet again, that i may not be able to be in a relationship except as friends. I can too easily be overwhelmed with emotional issues, that ignite my manias, which cause me problems. Thank god for my dog. Being with thor allways calms and levels me out.

  Unipolar manic? WHo knows, could be.

  As allways thanks for listening.

  Bill 

Posted 12/19/2010 2:45 AM (GMT 0)
Oh I hear you on that today! My fiance is stoic. But even still, he's been crazy-stressed-out for workand more silent which make him seem more snappish. Am I'm more nuts than usual. *sigh*

I think you'll be able to find a relationship but it might mean a serious shift in what you're interested in. Cute playboy bunny girl won't have the balls (ovaries?) or spine to handle you. A tough, ballsy, independent woman that doesn't need to be dependent, be protected, to feel happy/safe in a relationship. Sooo... not me. :P
Posted 12/19/2010 6:08 AM (GMT 0)
 

  Thanks tortoise, so you arnt hitting on me???? nono nono smhair smhair smhair tongue tongue tongue tongue smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin

   Yea, i'm going to just work on me for awhile. and stay away from negative influences.

  BTW, here is some recent thor pics. Enjoy the most useless, spoiled dog in the world.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/crossracer/2010-12-16152522.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/crossracer/Photo0671_2-1.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/crossracer/Photo0680.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v29/crossracer/Photo0682.jpg

Posted 12/19/2010 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bill,

I have only been on this forum since September, so don't have a long history of knowing you on here.  However, you have described your struggles very well a number of times, and I would have to say that they certainly appear like bipolar symptoms - the hypersexuality, spending of money, rages, etc.  I would suggest that this is your wife having a difficult time perhaps that you are doing so well and have stabilized without her.  So she is questioning you when you have done what you have needed to do and are getting healthy.  On top of that, your pdoc believes it is bp.  She is the one having some difficulty here.  Stay with yourself and your experience and don't let her manipulate you into questioning all that you have done.

Sun

Posted 12/20/2010 12:15 AM (GMT 0)
My dear friend Bill,

I agree with Sun 100 %! Though I understand how the people around us can sometimes plant these questions or doubts or whatever....in our heads.

Keep doing what you are doing there sweets. I really feel that your wife is just lashing out, as I felt she has been from the start of the end of this whole relationship.

Um, so thank YOU for posting pics of you and Thor!! Good to see my second favourite pup and of course You!

Bill--you are you and if you and pdoc feel you are bp, then keep on your path of healing. I believe you are bipolar from all the symptoms, behaviors etc. And your meds are helping, duh! lol

Hugs ya!
Posted 12/20/2010 1:20 AM (GMT 0)
 

    Thanks everyone. Having endured that anger and hate on friday, i went right into a mania/mixed episode. I went right out and started cruising the internet for sex, i was feeling depressed, then happy, then depressed. I woke with a hellava headache.

   It just reinforced that i cant be around high stress emotional issues. I need to continue to live my life on a kinda "emotion lite" diet. 

  And i did tell her that. SHe wanted me to spend the night tonight, i told her i can't, that why would i want to be near somone who hates/loathes me. She said she was just angry and spoke out of turn. Sorry, you hurt me this bad, you done get another bite of the apple.

    Thanks for listening. I do believe i am bipolar, with maina issues and emotional instability right now in my life. That may change with time and hard work in my mind. Till then i have to avoid it like some illegial drug.

  Bill

Posted 12/20/2010 2:07 AM (GMT 0)
Bill - how are you doing for stress in the rest of your life? Is it getting better?
Posted 12/20/2010 4:39 AM (GMT 0)
 Well it has been 4 months since the show down at the ok correl. In that time i am still working 80 hours a week, i set up an appartment, i started walking thor an hour a day, taking care of all the bills. And you know what. I FEEL GREAT. All my sex issues dissappeared, my moods stabilized. I even started working on models again, even if i have to "push" myself to do them at times.

   I ride my bike alot, i hike alot. I learned how to live comfortable, but frugal. In short getting out was the best thing that could have happened to me.

  I even got a nice roomate, so i am no longer alone all the time (which isnt good for me) and also he pays half the bills, so i can finally get ahead on these bills and make some real headway.

  This coming year i am going to work with my boss at sears to get every wed night off, so i can allways do my favorite bicycle ride. Which is challenging and fun, exactly what i need once a week to blow out the old motor. LOL LOL LOL

  Nope, it is the toxic relationship that i am not missing. I am going forward looking at it like this. ANd if i have said this before, i am sorry. THe best decision i ever made was marrying her. the second best decision was knowing when it was time to leave.

  I fully intend to keep all my good memories, and if i can purge the bad. I will not make her a monster, call her names,  of hate her. That only damages me. I intend to look back on my life and enjoy the good, and just not touch or look at the bad. Because there was alot of good, and thats what i choose to take with me to bed at night.

  Thanks for asking tortoise. I hope that answers your questions.

  Bill

Posted 12/20/2010 3:38 PM (GMT 0)
That's awesome. :) Good to hear. And I like that statement about your best and second-best decisions. :)
Posted 12/20/2010 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
((((((((Bill you are my hero)))))))

You are so strong. I understand the desire to doubt if this illness is real for you. Could it possibly be something different? Everyone will have a different opinion of what's wrong and how you should behave and handle it. But in the end you have to listen to the voice inside you. Now i'm not talking about the imaginary ones lol. You Know now what works for you. Don't let anyone take that from you. People will often try to fit you into something more manageable for them. It makes it easier to tell you what you should be doing.
I know this probably doesn't help, but I hope that it is somehow useful.
You always say so much to calm my fears. To answer my relentless questions. There are some symptoms that you express that makes me think you're a lot like me, or maybe I'm a lot like you.
I do by the way have some questions about your hypersexual episodes. Why do you look for sex? Is it to fill an empty void, To get out your aggression thru mad passion, does it make you feel satisfied afterwards? Ok....that part may not happen if its not good. Lol
I'm a little crazy I know. At least I own it.
Sorry to get off topic
Posted 12/20/2010 9:24 PM (GMT 0)
 

  No problem, i have allways been up front with my issues around here.

   How do i describe what it feels like when the hypersexuality comes over me. After dealing with this over the last two years, i have identified a few triggers for me.

   Emotional upheaval: Both on friday last, and 4 months ago when we split for good i experienced huge swings in my hypersexuality. I mean straight on MANIC sexuality. Funny thing, when i am normal, i am strictly interested in women, but when i am manic i am bisexual. Go figure.

  THe last four months that i have been away, i have had my own appartment, and all the chances  i wanted to go have meaningless sex. Guess what? I didnt. not a bit, not one little bit of me was hypersexual. Now during that time i have just  abit of sex with my ex, like 2 times.  But unlike before it was controled, i wasnt hyper sexual, it was just a nice excersise in being with someone.

   During the last four months i have been under the same finicial stress, even worse than before. I work more hours, but non of that has cause me to go "round the bend". I am quite content hiking, walking thor, bicycling, building models, and just enjoying a good meal. None of the stress of living has caused a problem.

    Friday my ex was spoiling for a fight. I know me and my BP have done lots to destroy the marriage, i have detailed that here at lenght. But i also know that she bears some part of the responsibility for what happened also. For instance, i detailed to her that i "needed" not wanted, but NEEDED to get the financial house in order. It was killing me, every day, it was straight up killing me. But she refused to change her behaviours to work with me. She still spent money recklessly, hide credit cards she opened from me, and then on Friday, she blamed me for leaving, and that had i not got an apartment we would be fine financially. (note, nothing there about coming at me with a knife and stabbing the bag right next to me)

   Friday i kept my calm. I kept control. But the cost was a major episode friday night that came over me like a tidal wave. Saturday was spent recovering. Now that i have had a few days to think this thru, i am just that much more convinced that i needed to be out of that relationship. For what ever reason it had turned toxic.

   Now that said, there is still hypersexuality in my life, just a controled form. I am looking forward to the day when i meet someone nice who i  can be "sexy" bill with. But the thing is that it is completely under control. I am not out looking for anything, it is nice to have that small part of my previous self still be there. But a controled, there.

   I hope that helps.

   Bill

Posted 12/24/2010 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Bill.....
It's really nice to get your take on the hypersexual side of the illness. It never dawned on me that my willingness to go both ways when I'm manic might have to do with the illness. Hell I didn't know that hypersexuality was even a symptom until this year. I don't understand what sets me off in that direction but I'm learning. When the feeling happens its like I have all this pent up energy that has to get out. I don't care where it happens, I just need a release. When I drink its worse, but I imagine that alcohol enhances a lot of different feelings for people. Life is so crazy. I don't know if its better or worse knowing what's driving me. I guess its hard to control the demon if you can't face it.
Posted 12/24/2010 5:19 AM (GMT 0)
LOL. I love you guys because it's so taboo to talk about these issues. When I started talking about wanting a 3-some w/a girl and was actually considering cheating to be with a girl, the next day my fiance was asking me if I was going manic. Of course *I* didn't think so. rofl *sigh* crazy stuff.
Posted 12/24/2010 8:27 PM (GMT 0)

 Yep, you have to be able to laugh a little at this desease and life get some control over it. So we have three people here now, who when "normal" are straight, but when hypomanic/hypersexual are bi. Lord, the more i learn about this desease the more i think god has a twisted sense of humor.  tongue   tongue tongue tongue tongue

   Why can't things just be easy for us? Just one aspect of this desease have a simple cure, like say eat your wheaties, and you won't have this issue any more. shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead

   Well, knowage is power. Thats one of the reasons i hang around here. The more i learn, the better  i have a chance of beating this thing.

  Bill

Posted 12/24/2010 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
****....I love you guys. And not because I'm manic and looking for a 3some. Lol
It feels great to be able to talk about stuff and get answers on things I'm often too embarrassed to tell my therapist I've contemplated. Or how close I've come to fulfilling the urge. I figure if I think I'm crazy it's only a matter of time before everyone does.
I've been wanting to ask you "bill" that question since the first time I read some of your history. But I was afraid it might be received wrong. Thanks so much for your openness, and tortoise 11, thanks for not letting me think I'm alone.
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