I WON'T be EVIL, and other things ticking me off.

 

    Yes, i know i am BP, and that my brian doesnt run right.  That said i refuse to be evil in this divorce. Why is it family and friends want you to be cut throat and ruthless during one of the most stressfull times in your life. I REFUSE to live a life like that.

    I have sat down with my mom and explained again and again, that i CAN'T be ruthless and cut throat. That for me to embark down that road would be against everything i have come to believe in life. You all have known me here for over two years, in that time i have tried to make myself into a good and nice man. A person who builds up, not tears down, a person who gives till it hurts, not takes the last of everything.

    I told my mom that for me to do this any other way could kill me. I have learned in the last few years that it is emotional upheaval that really sets off my mania/depression episodes. So yes, i have to live a life unlike they are used to, i have to avoid all upheaval as much as i can, kinda like a alcholic who changes the way they walk home to avoid a bar. Not only don;t they understand what its like to be BP, they dont understand the choices we need to make to live.

    My friends and family are all twisted up about money. Honestly is that how the whole world judges success or failure? They worry i am going to be to generous, that i will give away my money to help her out. What they can't seem to understand is that i am willing to trade money for a stress free divorce as possible. That yes, i am giving away some money, but i am not just giving it away, i am buying precious peace. Peace for her to come to grips with our new life, peace for me to also learn how to live it.

    I have allways believed that thru generous acts, the universe, god, budda, who ever you believe in takes care of you. I have been generous, not just in money, but in spirit.  The universe has begun to pay me back, with a big pay raise at my one job, with a nice room mate that covers half the rent, with new friends and experiences.

   In the end, god gave me BP, but he also gave me some great other gifts also. For whatever reason god, or myself, i have learned to let go of pain. To live a life where i can let go of pain and hurt is a gift from the allmighty himself.

   So i refuse to be evil, i refuse to be cut throat. I choose to believe that my actions will be judged in the afterlife. And that there is some great thing out there that looks after people like us. That even though BP has been a hard road to walk, there are good pieces of it i want to hold onto. And though i am now in the winter of my relationship with my wife, i would like to hold on to the spring summer and fall, the good things that happened, the good times i carry in my heart will be ther until the day i die.  That even though i no longer want  to be her husband (because i believe we are not good for each other) I still want nothing for her but success and happiness.

   Ok, i have vented a bit. Sorry, i havnt been to the therpast in a while. Maybe i am completely screwy here, maybe i am a complete and utter fool for wanting to live like this. And if i am i will be a happy fool, a contented fool, and that is fine. Because i can't be like the rest. I cant be "Normal". Normal for me would lead to a dark and bad place where i may never come out of. Maybe in the short version, if this is wrong, well i don;t want to be right.

  Thanks for listening. Ranting over. And no i am not manic in anyway. I was simply vent what has been bugging me the last few months.

   Bill 

Bill
I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't want a cut throat divorce. Mine was in 2005 before I was diagnosed BP. I was just starting my recovery from alcohol and drugs though. Nobody could understand why I was okay with making sure he had money when he wasn't working and I was. I was okay to remember that we had good times, but he had become violently dangerous to me. No matter what he had done while we were married I never wished harm on him. I just wanted me to be well, and that meant sober. After I was sober the doctor's could see the BP symptoms. Isn't it amazing that cocaine use and manic look alike :)

My ex-husband committed suicide in November of last year. What everybody says is I shouldn't blame myself and I don't. I haven't seen him in 4 years. I couldn't have helped him. The one thing I am sure of is that I never did him any harm and that's enough for me. The drugs and alcohol that took him down don't have anything to do with me no matter what he thought.

As for normal I have completely lost track of what that means. I just know I'm okay with who I am today and tomorrow is tomorrow.

Hope it helps to know you're not alone.

Hi my friend,

I am so glad you vented here. You are valued and understood here.

I am so honoured to know you. You are doing the absolute right things for yourself and that is absolutely amazing. I know it's hard when those around you are telling you to do otherwise, but you could not be more right in saying all you said here---it is not who you are and it's not what you believe.

I can only guess your loved ones are angry because of how you were treated? I know I was miffed at your wife(ex) during everything but I would never question your judgement because I know the place you are at with yourself and what it took to get there. Besides, I believe you are ultimately doing what is important--not staying in that relationship.....because it was not healthy. You don't need to be cut throat to move on to your new healthier lifestyle.

Many hugs to you,
Mogs