I am so stressed and depressed and anxious and irritable and confused.........

Hey guys,

I'm sorry but this is going to be me venting bigtime.

Last weekend was incredibly horrible. Saturday bf and I got into another huge fight. It was very abusive (emotionally on his part of course). I really felt so abused and so sad. I know I am allowing this to happen as I stay with him. I really should leave because it's never ever going to change. He is too angry and blaming me for everything. He can be so loving and caring and then go into these rages and attack me so personally, it just confuses me so much. I hate that, because really it's clear. It's textbook abuse. The caring, then the rage. I do not deserve this. I don't leave of course because of financial reasons mostly. But also because I am scared to be alone. I also want things to change but they don't and won't. I know I need to leave. I am so scared.

So, of course this has sent me into a huge depression. Today is very bad, I am extremely low and don't know if I will make it through the day here at work. I have so much to do and the depression just has me so fatigued I can barely hold my head up let alone function. Prior to this episode I was rapid cycling. I can't express how exhausted I am. Pdoc knows what is going on, and left me with instructions to decrease Lamotrigine and increase Seroquel. I've decreased the Lamotrigine (due to the cycling) but don't want to increase the Seroquel because I am already having such a hard time getting out of bed to go to work in the mornings.

I am stressed out completely. I need a massage but can't afford one. I really could just sleep today away I am so tired. My anxiety is through the roof right now too.

I found out last week I will be getting my own office again (as I was sharing one). I was really excited about this news because I need this to happen to badly. But now it's taking so long to get done because someone here needs to arrange getting my computer and phone moved and it's just not getting done. So this has caused me to be very anxious, upset and depressed as well.

Alright, that is enough out of me. I hope you are all doing well, you are in my thoughts every single day.

Many hugs,
Mogs

I am so sorry that you are going through thishard time....

hugs, Caren

 

  Mogs, it took  me two years to get out of a physically abusive relationship. That coupled with emotional abuse was awfull. But i kept making excuses, i kept hoping things will change. In the end I changed. I decided to no longer take that kind of abuse. I walked away and have stayed away.

   In the end, i know it was me who hung in way to long, but also it was me who walked away and took steps to reclaim my life.

  As i get older, the more i love my dog.

  Bill

Mogli
I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now, but it sounds like you know the solution to the bf issue. I spent 15 years in a relationship that was mentally and physically abusive. I think in a lot of ways the mental abuse was much much worse. The physical healed even though I have a couple of scars. The mental I'm still working on.

My husband now says one of the first things he noticed was that I wouldn't make any eye contact with him or any other guy. Two reasons for that. One I was sure I was the ugliest women ever to walk the face of the earth (no joke). Two, I was afraid I was going to get accused of "looking" and cause even more problems for myself. It's taken work, but I'm more confident now, I know I'm an attractive women. Not Miss America, but attractive. Some days it's hard to remember that though and it's been almost 6 years.

Please remember that mental abuse almost always leads to physical abuse. I know you're scared of being alone, and financial not having his income, but I know you can be strong.

Best of luck

UGH....MONDAY :( My head is pounding, my TMJ is so painful as the weather is so cold right now. I just want to go home and stay in bed. We will see how the pain does today; I may leave early.

Weekend was better. I focused on relaxation and really got myself feeling a lot better. Of course being back at work, I am down, but hopefully this weather warms up just a bit and I can get myself feeling a bit more stable.

Hope you are all well,
Mogs

((((((((mogs)))))))))
I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now, just remember you are stronger than this illness. It's okay to be sad, just don't let it consume you. Work out each step in your head, take deep breaths. It will be ok...there are people who care about you, you are not alone.