Possibly bipolar, help please

Hey all, I usually post up on the anxiety/depression forums because my 3 therapists I have had have never diagnosed me as being bipolar.  The only doctor to tell me I was showing bipolar/schizo symptoms was my initial primary doctor who really saw me at my worst.  It was my first week of feeling totally nervous/scared of EVERYTHING and couldn't sleep for 5-6 days.  I would just have these non stop racing depressive thoughts that just wouldn't go away.

Anyways, in the last year-2 years I've been battling with this annoying problem.  Everyday is an absolute struggle.  I was on cymbalta, 150 mg a day for 4-5 months but that didn't work.  I then switched over to try zoloft at 50 mg a day and that did nothing as well.  Combined from both medications all I got out of it was an increase of 30-35 lbs that I now carry around because of it.  A lot of the people on the anxiety/depression forum have been really helpful for me, it's just I'm really not feeling good lately.  I don't know if I'm sharing too much on these forums or what, and I honestly hope that nobody at the company I works at is on here because that would just be baaaaad news.  But anyway, the new problems I'm having is that I stopped taking zoloft 2 weeks ago.  I wheened off as my therapist instructed, and he told me that he thought I'd be ready to be able to come off.  I'm having such bad depressive thoughts/feelings though.  Not wanting to harm myself so thats good, but it's as if I feel I'm dreaming 24/7.  Nothing feels real and I can't get emotionally involved or interested in ANYTHING.  I am just wasting through the days and just feel like hope is totally lost.

Some of the other members in the anxiety and depression forums were recommending that I go back and try another medication perhaps.  And I don't mean to insult them or come off brash, but I really hate the medicines.  They did absolutely nothing for me besides make me put on weight.  I was taking .5 klonopin daily like a month-month 1/2 ago and just stopped the zoloft now.  So I'm really hoping that a lot of these problems can be related to withdrawals.  I'm praying to god that these symptoms I'm feeling now are not the REAL me.  Because if it is, that's going to be hard to live with.

My moods are changing so rapidly throughout the day.  I go from just feeling nothing, numb and empty, to sad and depressed abou thow I feel, then I get mad because I'm depressed.  I start thinking why am I such a panzy/wuss, why can't I just suck it up and be productive and do something?  So I go to the gym and try and get my frustrations out, but that doesn't really help.  Then I just slip back into the sadness, the hardest part is looking my parents/brothers in the face and trying to play everything off like it's all ok.  I lost any interest/feelings towards any of the activities I used to like.  But that's not a new symptom, that's pretty much has been the way it's been for the last 2 years since I "lost it" as I like to call it.  I used to be such an upbeat, driven, smart, relaxed guy before all of these problems.  How does something like this come out of nowhere, and how does it last 2 years?  On the zoloft I felt numb and felt nothing....now that I'm coming off I'm getting really bad anger/mood swings.

Can anyone help?  I honestly was scared for the better part of a year thinking I was schizo because of what my initial primary doctor told me that I could be.  But then I started thinking about it, and I honestly dont have any crazy or outlandish theories that people are after me or that objects/things/etc are talking to me.  I don't hallucinate.  So that fear has died down for me, it's not all the way gone because I feel so weird still...but it's under control.  But the more and more I battle with this, the more I am getting worried that I'm possibly bipolar.  My new therapist swears to me up and down that I am just suffering from extremely high levels of anxiety/depression.  I really hope he's right, and I really hope there's a way to get this under control one day so I can get back to my life that I feel like I haven't had for 2 years now.

Thanks Tim, I was in that boat that you're in right now for awhile. I was taking cymbalta/klonopin/ambien for sleep. I never tried an abilify because I am just so stubborn and dead set against taking medicine. I was already struggling with accepting the fact that I needed to take 3 medicines, if they wanted to add another one in I might have flipped out. It does help that I know I'm not alone when people respond and can relate to some of the stuff I post up. That's probably why I post so much, because it makes me feel better tha tothers go through it. That's the hardest part, feeling so weirda nd the way I do, and feeling like I'm the only one who feels that way. That's when I spiral so far down into the depression.

I just got back from work, only worked 3 hours today because they want to limit my hours so I don't get overtime, doesn't really matter to me about that though I was so happy to get out of there. The whole time I was there I kept thinking what am I doing here, why am I lying to myself? Why am I trying to have these white collar jobs when I know deep down I'm a blue collar guy? It frustrates me just sitting there in my chair and waiting for people/members to come into the bank. I'm terrible with down time, I need to be doing something. If I'm not doing something I start going nuts in my head, starting to think this job isn't the best for me right now because of that reason. I feel like I need something more active, something where I'd be moving around. I never did any construction when I was younger, really wish I would have now though. I would definetly be into doing something like that, I'd be doing something active and keeping my mind busy. I'm such a headcase, I need to be physically doing something in order to get my mind off of other crap. I think about my career/future way too much. Its all I ever think about. I guess it's good in the fact that I have a drive, and goals that I want to meet. But this anxiety/depression is totally gettingin the way of any of my goals. It doesn't allow me to live in the moment and gameplan for the future, it makes me stupid ( i forget things like nobodys business ) it makes me lack focus ( I can barely finish a small article in the paper, let alone retain the information from it ). I know it's the depression that's probably causing me to feel this way about my job now, that's why I ignore the thoughts. But it seems like the more I ignore the htoughts, the stronger they get. Sucks too because I'm going on the companys benefits plan in 2 weeks which is really good, and I know if I was going to go into a line of work like construction or something like that that they would have no benefits. And with my mental health being in the shape it's been in lately, I need that.

Aw well, time for a nap and hopefully all these pointless worries will be gone and I'll wake up with some new obsessive thoughts, as I usually do.

Mike