Need Help, Living With a Bi-polar Wife

I am new to this forum and somewhat new to the bipolar disorder as well.  I do not know a lot about bipolar at all, but I would like to learn.  I am however limited in my free time to read so I was first wondering of any suggestions that would be more helpful than others in the line of books or websites that my help me to learn more about it, and also to learn about living with a partner that has it and what I can do to make her life easier and ultimately for us to enjoy a better life together. 

I am a middle aged man married to a slightly younger woman that has bipolar.  We have been married for about 7 months and have known each other for about 7 years.  My wife is an absolutely wonderful person  (I love her to death)  that has very much to offer to everyone around her, (myself included) but some things seem to be getting in the way of that.  I have struggled severely in my relationship with my wife for quite some time, now to the point that it is causing emotional and mental problems for myself.  Although this is not the only reason I am struggling now, I feel it is a big factor.  My wife was not aware of this disorder she had until a couple years into our relationship and she now has medication and some help with it in the lines of counciling.  She feels that it is helping her, but I honestly do not see a change hardly at all, which is of course grounds for an argument.  In addition to that help, her and I both seek marital counceling together to try to resolve our issues, however neither seem to help enough and we still spend much time in confrontation and arguments that tend to get very out of control and last sometimes several days.   She always tells me that it is that her and I that do not work together, but I know in my heart that this bipolar is a contributing factor.  I really love my wife and I want to help her more than she knows, I really do.  However, all my efforts seem to result in the same argument and I feel that I always end up looking like the bad guy, when I just want us to get along like we used to and I want to help.  Every time I try to talk to her about bipolar, we end up argueing and she will exit the conversation.  I think that this is due to her discomfort as well as my inability to successfully engage in the conversation in the way that she needs me to.  She is currently on lithium and I do not see very little if any change from when she was on nothing to be honest.  She has trouble sleeping, and we have runs where we cannot get along at all sometimes for days.  We argue sometimes twice a week and have discussed divorce several dozen times over our short 7 month marriage, she is usually the one bringing this up.  I can't take anymore and I need some help.  I have tried every way I know of to resolve these issues and none have worked for us.  She will spend sometimes hours durring the day in our bedroom just laying in bed sad and depressed.  I will try to go in and be supportive, but it usually ends up with her getting upset with me and us argueing more than we already were.  Our arguments usually begin by some small situation being blown out of proportion, then several hours argueing, then her being very sad and depressed and feeling like she is a horrible person.  Is this normal for bipolar or something else completely different?  I know that she is suffering, but I cant even figure out how to be able to talk to her, approach her or begin to help in the situation.  I feel that no matter how I try, I am unsuccessful and do not know of any other ways to accomplish this.  I am emotionally drained, so completely sick of being approached about talking (Threatening) of divorce from her, and mentally tired I just can't handle anymore and I feel as though I may loose it.  She swears to me that bipolar is not the cause of our issues, and I know that this is very possibly true, however I also know it is a contributing factor.  I also know that if she were to feel better, we both would be in a much better place.  I just don't know how to get there.  I dont even know where to begin with her in this realtionship to get some much needed help.  I also feel at times that I am gaining symptoms of her disorder from this stuff that is going on.  I begin to feel the things that I know she deals with, and I now feel that I also am having to personally deal with the same type of feelings. 

I have read the posts in this thread and I did see many things similar to my relationship with my wife in other peoples comments here.  I have to say that reading this post made me feel a little better.  I have recently been getting to the point that I am questioning myself, my mental stability and my decisions due to all this termoil and it is good to see that maybe I am not losing my mind.  That maybe there are reasons for what is happening and that it is not all my fault. 

So, I guess what I am looking for is first some advise on where to go to learn about bipolar that is an informative knowledgable site or book if anyone has any advise on this.  I also am looking for, possibly a womans advise, on how I can effectively approach these problematic situations with my wife and what is the best (for her), most comforting, nonconfrontational way to go about this.  I guess, I am just really looking for someone educated in these matters to help me out in this situation I am in.  I'd really appreciate anything anyone has to offer me.  

Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy writings and for any replies to follow.  I appreciate it more than you know. 

Thank you for taking the time to help me.  I really appreciate that.  I cant tell you how nice it feels to know that someone cares enought like that.  I have another question for anyone that can offer advise.  We are wanting to have children together someday and I am not sure how to go about this with regards to the medication.  Is it possible for her to stay on some type of med while trying to get pregnant?  I would rather her not be on anything at the time for the childs health however I have concerns that this will be a very difficult time without having the medication to fall back on if necessary.  What do other bipolar women do when they want to have a family?

I just ordered the book online so I look forward to reading that as soon as it arrives.  I hope that it will help me in my situation here, it is much needed.     

Did you hear the one about a woman with bipolar disorder who chose to adopt....  and the child she adopted grew up to have bipolar disorder.  That's not a joke, she's on this forum.

Adopted children are equally as likely to have a heretitary disease.  Maybe even more so considering the circumstances under which parents choose to offer a child for adoption, or have a child taken by the state.

People with bipolar disorder are more intellegent and more creative.  (Not coming from my ego, but from scientific studies.)  There is the question of "is it worth it" to risk passing it on.  However, can you imagine life without the creations and inventions of bipolars?  Do you realize that our founding fathers, and successful entrepreneurs are either believed to have been, or are, bipolar?  This nation would not exist as it does without this bipolar disorder.

There is no other disease that has this effect.  You cannot prove that people with heart disease, or diabetes, for example, have a greater chance of changing our world for the better.  There is no encouragement for people with other common hereditary diseases to not have children.  (As a result we have a large population of disease and cancer-ridden people.) 

The chance of a bipolar parent have a child having bipolar disorder is higher than the general population. HOWEVER, the chance of a bipolar parent having a child that is NOT bipolar is higher that the chance of having a child that is bipolar.

Post Edited (maddie48) : 3/16/2011 9:44:00 AM (GMT-6)