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Posted 3/13/2011 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I am the huisband of  Bipolar wife. We have been together since highschool and have 3 kids that range from 19 to 13. things have deteriorated in our relationship progressively the past two years. We see a psychiatrist and psychologist together weekly and her behaviors as of yesterday took a turn for the worse. aside of the normal symptoms of being physically present but not emotionally, no sexual interest, lack of ration thinking, not wanting to hear or practice healthy behaviors she left me with a note for an undetermined amount of time to "figure" it all out.

I know there is no magical pill as I have spent thousands of hours researching, reading and understanding the illness we as a family share. I try and explain this to her that it will take hard work and we (myself and 3 children) are here to support her, she seeks affirmation for her thoughts from other people.

I perform most of the housework and get the kids up for school and take care of the bills and I am just tired.

My issue right now is I knew she was going to her deppression cave 4 days ago and made a concerted effort to get her out of it and she told me throughout the week she was fine. I came home early from work because i want to be there for her and we had some errands to run. I suggested we run them together to save time and fuel. she stated no, I am going alone. I had one appointment that had to be completed before 5:00pm so I suggested she run hers first and I would go after she got back. She told me she was going to take a nap and then run errands which left me with no choice but to run mine first. After I got back and she left she texted me and told me she left me a note and to read it. it basically stated i am leaving for undetermined amount of time but i will be safe and she loves me and the kids, i need to figure out if it is all wrth it.

I was furious!!!, we had made promises to each other that she would admit herself if she felt suicidal and she would never choose the filght option without discussing it with me. I thought she would be dead or never come home. this will make the 4th time she has seriously considered suicide and one attempt. I do not know how to move forward now the truct is gone and she has placed people outside of her family before us.

I am so very tired and the stress will kill me if we can't get this figured out. Please feel free to shar your thoughts and experiences with me as I am looking for any lifelines to get through this. I love her more than anything but this new step has seriously hurt our relationship and I am struggling right now how to even believe anything she says let alone give her my heart to rip out like last night.

 

Posted 3/13/2011 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
Stop trying to fix her. You can't. The closer you try to hold on, the further she will need to go. Unfortunately her treatment is her responsibility. If you have reason to be afraid for her safety, then call the police.

You cannot be her everything. She needs a full support system with all of those outside people.

My first marriage was with a man who thought he could fix me, who thought he could control away my problems. It was not good. He dragged me to Dr.'s. I was non-compliant. My medical record in that time was sparse and sporatic. Our relationship was volatile, abusive.

I'm engaged now, I was diagnosed while we were together. The relationship dynamic is completely different. I am responsible for my care, for scheduling and going to Dr. appointments, taking my medication, etc. I've had a lot of suiciality over the last 19 years, but if I am actually suicidal it's my responsibility to put myself in the hospital. Our relationship is respectful with healthy boundaries. I take out bipolar anger in writing - in a blog he can read if he chooses to. He never tries to force me to do anything, he'll tell me if I've slipped into an episode and don't realize it. So we never fight.

Because of his hands-off approach, we have a good relationship and I have finally gotten successful treatment.

I suggest that you re-evaluate what role you might play in your wife's care.
Posted 3/13/2011 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
I tried that early on and she "forgot" to take her medication and "forgot" to go to her appointments. I have three children in the house as well as myself to consider. She says all the right things and follows through rarely. She states clearly she loves us and we are her everything.
Let me clarify I support her having as many friends as possible and visit them as reguraly as she needs to. It is that she decieved me and lied to me even after I knew something was up. Her commiting suicide would destroy this family and with no guidance which she tells me I need you to help remind and I want you to go withme because you communicate things better than I do. I am not trying to fix her and I participate rarely at her appointments.
I advise her that as her doctors advise she needs to eat right and exercise and practice the tools she is given but i do not beat her up about it.
I am so lost as to what to do anymore and I told her that. I can only hope that she chooses life and does not choose suicide. We have been at the hospital twice and once she lied to them to not stay and the second time she just declined admittance. She is the one who came to me and told me it was time to go to the hospital. They advised that staying there is volutary and she can leave at any time, so it does not matter unless she wants to stay.
Posted 3/14/2011 3:26 AM (GMT 0)
You have no idea how difficult it is for someone with bipolar to 1) accept needing medication and then 2) after accepting it to remember to take it. I'm not saying she is guilt-free in not taking it, but I'm suggesting the possibility that there were times when she forgot without intent to harm herself.

You are right to protect your children first. She might need to live separately. She might need to be allowed to hit rock-bottom before she will be able to accept treatment and participate willingly.

You could encourage her to keep a mood chart. I started one out of desperation because I couldn't communicate with my Dr. out of 1) depression, 2) anxiety, 3) overwhelmed with ultraradian cycling. It was the first thing I began to be able to do everyday. It was months later before I was able to take medication every day.
Posted 3/14/2011 6:35 PM (GMT 0)

  A person on here once said it should be called TriPolar. Cause you have Manic days, you have Depressed days, but you also have Normal Days. When we are normal, all feels well, we think we are fine, and we think we have it all under control. We are not allways up or down, we have many normal days.

  But tortise is right, you cant fix her, you cant love her better, be a better husband, be a better man and fix this. SHe has to OWN this herself. And if she cant or wont then she is well and truely lost in her own mind. Many times people have to strike rock bottom to start to successfully rebuild their lives. Problem with that is that  you normally take those  you love down with you also.

  Good luck,

  Bill

Posted 3/15/2011 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone for your input. I t helps to have different perspectives and thoughts and knowing there are others out there who take time out of their lives to share their experiences.
Posted 3/22/2011 6:14 AM (GMT 0)
wishing you well, jamie...............keep strong and know that we care.
Posted 3/22/2011 9:08 AM (GMT 0)
you are so right tortoise1 1 ..please read my post john doe, you will get more of an idea how we bipolar people sometimes make mistakes with medications...also,try a support group for yourself, such as alanon...
Posted 3/22/2011 1:58 PM (GMT 0)
I'm in agreement with all the replies here. And yes, al-anon or coda groups are a great support for the care-givers and are readily available. We used to have a bp support group for friends and family members but I haven't been in a while.


Maybe while mom is sick the kids could pitch in with the housework. That age group is certainly capable of handling dishes, bathrooms, even cooking. It could make you pull together as a family. Can you hire a housekeeper if that doesn't suit? What can you do for yourself in her absence to make it easier? Remember you can't fix her...like Tortoise said...she may have to hit bottom first and letting her go makes it happen faster most of the time.

We're there for you. Times of crises are difficult but there are people here who care.
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