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Posted 4/6/2011 3:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hey guys,

I don't like posting and not trying to post replies to everyone else; but I am so depressed right now I don' t have the capability to reach out to all of you at the same time, and I'm sorry for that. Please know you are all in my thoughts and I care deeply about your coping and well being.

Last night was terrible. BF and I had our fourth counselling session and honestly I don't even know how I am at work today. I am devastated and so deeply depressed. Last night I was hanging by a thread; all those terrible thoughts going through my head just wanting the pain and suffering to end (you guys know what I'm talking about). I am still feeling that way today. I know I need to focus on hour by hour right now, but I can't stop thinking about that session last night.

I watched a Dr. Phil episode the other day about rage and how people can have a specific gene (called The Warrior Gene) that makes them more susceptible to feeling rage. I don't necessarily believe that is the case for my bf as I think all the constant fighting his parents did while he was growing up including while he was a youth and getting into his twenties, is such a root cause of what is happening with us. The reason I bring up the show is because Dr. Phil really gets to me because I love how he believes in "getting real". I feel like we are so much tip toeing around bf's anger issues that we aren't getting anywhere really.

He has acknowledged but feels he has already changed when that is just not the case. He has made improvements but I still feel he doesn't get it. On the show I am speaking of a couple is on where the guy has rages and the girlfriend is asking Dr. Phil should she take the relationship to the next level (Marriage) and he says "absolutely not" unless the guy gets help and changes. I'm just so confused. After last night (by the way we had a huge fight right before counselling and actually went into the session with it totally unresolved. We were fighting all the way out the door). But after last night I had Dr. Phil's voice in my head saying "let's get real here".....why I am going through all of this mess when I am not the one with the rage issues? Why? I just feel that we go to these sessions together and he does all the talking and all the therapy is based on him (as it SHOULD be), so what I am doing there? Why do I feel like the blame is shifting to me a lot of the time? Prime example: My illness is the HOT topic and "cause" of his anger.

So, here is a question that I am asking all of you...Here is what I believe: This illness is our responsibility, period. We need to own it, accept it and manage it. But I do not believe this means that our significant others should not show us love and compassion when we are not well. We left last night's session with therapist saying "Ok, so you both look after yourselves (Him, himself and me, myself) and that's the way it should be. Separate. Um...to a point yes, but I just can't believe he continues to give me cold responses when I express I am unwell. And I believe couples should be there for each other.

What am I doing? Why am I staying? I don't know if this is ever going to be better because my illness is the scape goat and that really doesn't jive with me.

I don't at all want to be around him tonight. I am so depressed I just want to sleep.

Through all of this I just feel so tired guys of these depressive episodes with no relief and I know it's not the meds; it's the stress. I wish bf would get that this is toxic to me.

I feel so totally hopeless right now...........I would give anything to hear a voice who gets this
Posted 4/6/2011 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
I get it. The problem is that our spouses, other people for that fact, do not get it.  No matter how hard they try, I really do not belive that they can relate to us in the manner that we would like.  I know that my husband just got tired of me talking about it all the time.  Now I try not to mention it and if I am having a really hard time, I just kind of keep to myself and do some extra self-pampering.  That cues him and he is more likely to be supportive or give me my space.  I really do know how you feel, when I am at a bad point, all I can ever think about is, I would be happier living alone.  But I know that I do not want that, I think it is just an escape mechanism for me.

Hang in there.  Try to find something positive to focus on today.

Gem

Posted 4/6/2011 6:40 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Gem, I appreciate your post :)

I know they can't possibly understand how we feel inside. I just am getting so frustrated in thinking "Why can't he care?". Anger and frustration do not show me that he cares. It just doesn't.

I really feel so lost and awful. I have been stuffing my face with sweets and chips (Im not obese, but definitely weight more than I should) :( I'm just out of control right now.

If things continue to deteriorate I am going to seek in person crisis support here in my community. The local crisis team has mobile support as well as brief appts with a crisis nurse if necessary.

I don't want to change anything with my meds...the Seroquel is making me too tired....

Thanks again,
Mogs
Posted 4/6/2011 6:54 PM (GMT 0)
Sweetie, please do not fight a med change if it will make you feel better.  Maybe that is why you are so out of whack.  Seroquel was the one med that did stop my racing mind but it was so sedating, I just could not function on it.  Do go talk to someone, your plan sounds good.  Isn't it ironic that when we are depressed we feel so alone, yet being alone sounds good?  I know the feeling but when you think about it, it does not really make much sense.

I hope you can find some relief real soon.  I will refrain from giving you my change your diet - lifestyle - attitude speech today, I will just send you good vibes and (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))).

Gem

Posted 4/6/2011 8:45 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, and yes I appreciate no lecture so to speak, lol. All good advice though. I really need to focus on the diet....eating bad things is not helping. I am staying away from having a glass of wine as well.

I see pdoc April 27th....I hear you about the meds, but I don't have the energy to try something brand new especially when I have found the Seroquel XR helpful. I just cant up it....

I am going to a girlfriend's house tonight. I texted her from work and said I needed a friend if she was free, so she is kindly taking time for me. I am leaving shortly actually.

Thanks again,
Mogs
Posted 4/6/2011 11:53 PM (GMT 0)
mogli- going to your girlfriends house is a good idea... hope it helps. sorry your have so much depression.

hugs, Caren

Posted 4/7/2011 2:03 AM (GMT 0)
try and de-stress a little. hugs from me as well. jamie
Posted 4/7/2011 3:54 AM (GMT 0)
I can so relate. My fiance was with me before my diagnosis and though I love his suport and listening to me ramble abut the thoughts I can't control ..he doesn't get it. When I am emotinal or iritable he thinks staying out of my way is the best. I know he was raised in a kinda disfunctional family compared to mine. Emotins were not showed and he felt like everything was his fault. I am slowly just letting him know best as I can what I want without telling him what to do. Like when I am emotional, a hug and resurance that I will get past it or when stressed about things I don't have time to do around the houe he takes over sometimes without me asking for the help.

I have been in a hypo state for 2 days and my Pdoc increased my clonapin and has me off work rest of week to monitor the effects and make sure I don't end up manic.

As much as Fiance didn't understand why I didn't think I could go to work and feel productive he didn't make a big deal of it even tryed to cheer me while i was crying earlier.

So keep at it, othrs may not understand what we are strugeling with ans they are unsure how to react but it is up to us to try and educate them and let them know what we need. yeah yeah
Posted 4/8/2011 1:13 AM (GMT 0)
I can relate a little bit on the anger thing with my ex-husband although I don't think it was as bad as yours.

I had been symptom-free and I over-did it at work last week and am having mild symptoms. Not so much mood symptoms, but taking hours, days to process stress, news, labels, etc. I was in bed almost all day today. Got up,went shopping. Can home and went back to lay in bed.

My fiance did not get it. Not trying to get it. He's from the "suck it up" school of thought - not just for mental illness, but for all complaints, shortcomings, hard work, animals bites...(lol). He was NOT sympathetic AT ALL. Definitely getting the cold shoulder here.

Am I complaining? No. Withing a good relationship I know to accept it. It took a looong time for the bpd to stop overreacting. He loves and supports me. He does not love or support symptoms of this disease.

My point is that a good relationship CAN exist even when the other spouse/partner truly doesn't get it. I don't go to my fiance for comfort or support for my symptoms. I know it is something he is not capable of. He is not part of my support system.

Mogs, you're going through a hell of a ride. Maybe a heart to heart with yourself is in order. What is really important to you? Seems like your job is a huge stressor. Is SSDI and option? If is was, would you want it? Your relationship must be important to you given that you're in counseling. Is it for the health insurance? Is it for the fear of being alone? Or the fear of trying to date bipolar-style? You are so maxxed out and runnng on empty for months. Maybe you can identify one thing to let go of.

Much love and prayers to you dear!
Posted 4/11/2011 4:14 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your support and encouragement.

MThatGirl, you really hit the nail on the head with how my situation with bf is. Bf was definitely raised in a very hostile environment so what you said about that is very true and thankfully that is being somewhat addressed in our therapy.

I talked with a trusted friend here at work last week about my relationship and the therapy we are going through. She is married to a lovely man and although they do not have mental health issues to deal with in their marriage, they love and support each other unconditionally. She has been very supportive of my illness as there are many days here at work where I am down and irritable and she just allows me to "be" and offers support if I need it. She is very concerned about my relationship and we talked last week about setting a time line for myself as far as how long I should wait for things to change. She just thought that if I don't do that, then this could go on for another 5 years and in that sense I could not only be putting myself through more pain and damage but I could also very well be putting my chance for happiness at risk. She expressed that she felt I truly deserve better and that if this doesn't work out I could be so much happier with someone else.

This friend is in her 40s and I am turning 30 next month. She just really cares about my happiness and well being and doesn't want to see me waster precious time (possibly).

Anyway, weekend was ok. Bf did control his anger a few times when situations presented themselves. We did not have a fight this weekend which is a huge deal.

I was feeling okay on the weekend and then of course had a major crash today waking up and going into work.

I am really conflicted about the depression during the work week. I have at times functioned quite well at work, but the past couple of months have been nothing but a huge struggle. Most days I feel I need to be at home. I know tortoise you've noticed it's a trigger and I've never thought of it that way because I love it so much. If I lost this job, it would be the worst thing ever. It just confuses me because all in all I love my job. So why am I going in deeply deeply depressed on Mondays and then it lasts all week? Is it because I'm in a major depressive episode and I feel a bit better on the weekends when the pressure is off?

I or course have the option of taking a leave, but it scares me to death wondering if my job would be comprimised as a result. Ye
I literally have been in my (private, thank goodness) office all morning without being able to do a single thing. I am so fatigued so sad and so hopeless :( I don't know what to do anymore honestly.
Posted 4/11/2011 8:21 PM (GMT 0)
This sounds stupid and tacky like an exercise plan...

Did you celebrate your milestone of 2 days without fighting?

Do you have any energy left (on the days you don't fight) to give him a treat? "Treat" could vary from eating pizza on the couch while watching TV (a rare man-treat here), playing a board or card game, sex even.

I'm not online much but I think about you lots Mogs. ((hugs))
Posted 4/11/2011 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
  Hey Mogs, i read your post, i kinda feel where you are. When i had my affairs 3 years ago, and my wife stabbed me it was the low point of our marriage to that date. In th enext few weeks with the help of my therpast i let go of the pain. I just refused it when it came knocking. Over the last three years i had forgiven my wife her trying to kill me. I forgave, but did not forget. During the time i was trying to make things work, i let things that diddnt matter slide.

   After a while i discovered that most things really are petty and silly to argue about. I have managed to keep this attitude even during the divorce, just letting mean things she said slide off of me. After a while she stopped trying to hurt me, since what she was doing wasnt getting thru.

   I hope you can find a way to let some of this grief and pain to slide off you also. Just refuse the delievery. Its a new muscle, and it takes a while to get it firmed up, but once you do it can do wonders for your life. I truely dont sweat the small stuff. I give more of myself then i ever expect to recieve, and i dont keep score. To quote  "Yesterday is History, Tommrrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that is why it is called the Present"  That quote is very much how i live my life. And yes, its from Kung Fu Panda. smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin smilewinkgrin    But even Budda said wisdom can be found in all things great and small.

    Try to live in the moment. You love dogs, think how your dog just enjoys today for what today has to offer. If it is a good meal, enjoy it as such. If it is a good night with the BF, make sure you share that with him and tell him at least that much.  Build with positive thoughts, dont let the hurts of the past destry your chance of joys in the future.

    ANd i posted this elsewhere, but for you mogs, here is a happy dog video of the two of us enjoying  a day together. BTW it ended at burger king where we both enjoyed  a hamburger.

   Lots of love mogs.

   Bill

 http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v29/crossracer/?action=view&current=MOV_0386.mp4 

 

Posted 4/12/2011 5:37 AM (GMT 0)
Mogs,  Chin up..I know have heard all the mind over mood junk.  As far as work, look up infor about FLMA. It can be short term or intermitentent for anything related to bipolar.  I havc mine to even include my Sleep Apnea.  Americans with Dissability also covers mental health issues.  It is kinda vauge on the accomidations but so far I have been moved to quieter area, have flex schedule, and may be getting use of MP3 player.  Some employers can apply for govt funding to pay for any changes. I have been off work since last wed on FMLA and Pdoc doesn't want me to ga back till fri or later.  Am not woried about job.  Also there are groups for family and sig others to help them understand. He goes to apts w/ me when he can and date night is ast least every 2 weeks, even if it is a candle lit dinner with a special dessert or a walk holding hands.  Another thing i heard is when you are disagreeing sit holding both hands..makes things harder to be mad or walk away.

Hope all is going better, cherish the good days.

 

Posted 4/12/2011 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
"Another thing i heard is when you are disagreeing sit holding both hands..makes things harder to be mad or walk away."


^^^like^^^
Posted 4/13/2011 11:47 AM (GMT 0)
thats a very good one tortoise11. and very true.

keep strong mogs, you are in my healing thoughts, jamie
Posted 4/17/2011 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks you guys. Bill that vid of Thor was AWESOME!! I loved it, thank YOU!

MThatGirl, thanks for the work advice; I live in Canada so I will look into what we have here :)

Sigh, I started feeling a lot better mid last week. Then Friday, yesterday and today I've been low again. I think I'm gonna have a nap today. Haven't done that on a weekend in a long time, but it's cloudy here and my bed looks comfy, LOL

I see pdoc next week. He's gonna be quite puzzled when he looks at my mood charts for March and April. All over the place, but mostly very very depressed. I cut the Seroquel back to 150 mg instead of 200. It has helped with the extreme fatigue I was feeling each day, which was feeding the depression. I was too tired to do anything. I've stayed away from a glass of wine for over 2 weeks now. I've been really trying everything to feel better. I started walking with girls at work at lunch. We walk for one hour.

I am looking forward to work this week. Some good things happening, so hopefully it's a good week.

Well, off for now. Thinking of all of you.

PS-I'm listening to music on my shuffle a lot lately and it's really good therapy.

Hugs,
Mogs
Posted 4/17/2011 7:21 PM (GMT 0)
hey mogs. I listen to music all the time, it is great therapy.

the thing I am learning as I go thru life with bp is that there will allways be up and down days. can't be helped, that's the human experience. it just makes me appreciate the good times so much more.

also look for ways to simplify your life. the last three women I have dated have.all said the same thing about me, I live simple, and am very uncomplicated. my bp nakes life complicated but the rest of my life is lived simply. I don't have internet or cable tv. I don't sweat the small stuff, and I enjoy lifes simple pleasures. like thor playing in the stream.

besides I feel that much of modern life is incompatible with bp. so we need to make choices that help us, not hurt us. meds help a lot, but so do good solid life choices.

I find great joy in nature. getting out and away from the modern world is a great relief for my spirit. I would advise you to do the same. it helps to have a willing travel companion (thor) . him and I are going exploring tommrrow, I will send you a link to the artical I will post on it.

talk to you later lady. I hope today will be a good day for you.

bill
Posted 4/20/2011 2:39 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Bill (((((hug)))))

I thought I was in the right place about acceptance, but lately I am wondering. I'm getting more frustrated each day and totally tired of not feeling stable. This is affecting me so much that I am not able to "do" the things I need to be doing to get better. I am really letting the depression have control and I know that. I will take your advice about getting out in the nature. It has been raining and snowing even here, so my arthritis has me in agony. But I need to really make myself get out once the weather improves.

Glad you are continuing to manage so well. You are an inspiration for sure.

Bf and I have therapy tonight. Hoping that goes better than last time.....

Anyway, thinking of you and Thor.

Mogs.
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