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my Bipolar wife - I need to vent

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Posted 4/4/2011 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
Like a majority of husbands have said, i love my wife and will honor my vows. We've been married 21 years which has been rough most of the time. I always suspected something was odd about her behavior but couldn't understand the cause. Constant fighting over trivial and simple issues with little desire to resolve. Three years ago she had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide and admitted to a behavior hospital on two separate occasions. She was finally diagnosed with Bipolar and Borderline personality....thank goodness we have an answer. Her meds consist of Abilify, Seroquel, Zoloft, Ambian & Adderall.

These past three years have turned our lives and family upside down. I lost my job of 15 years because she refused to move to another state (due to my promotion) two days before, even after we had sold our house. Her instability forced me to move our 12 yr old son to live with my sister for 6 months. She filed for divorce and then dropped it prior to our court date. During one of her breakdowns, she attacked me physically and threw things at me. In my attempt to restrain her i left bruises on her arms. I was arrested and was forced to spend 25 days in work release. Ive never had more than a speeding ticket in my life. I WAS respected in my industry, made a six figure income but since losing my job and now have a record, i cant find a job...any job. She is an RN and makes a decent living. We did separated for 6 months which was very hard on her but this was something i needed to do for me...if not for both of us.

Since our reconciliation it has been better but not without issues. We have 3 children, 2 sons 20 & 14 and daughter 11 months. Our youngest was an "ut oh", which has been a blessing!

So here's my rant...she doesn't do anything !! I do everything, cook, clean, feed baby, change diapers, grocery shop, pick up meds, help son with homework on and on. She sleeps. I understand that she is tired from the meds in addition to her rough work hours (6am-3pm). I also understand that since i am unemployed i can pick up the load. However, i feel she takes complete advantage of me. She falls asleep on the couch at 6pm every night and the weekends shes there the entire time. I barely have time to get grocery's before shes calling asking when ill be home to take care of our baby. Ive asked her to help out a little more but she flies off the handle. Not to mention she never asked me about my job search or my depression of being unemployed. So essentially now im a Mr. Mom and her hand-maid.

Lastly, Ive discovered that she is abusing our dog, kicking, chocking the poor animal (which i have documented each occurrence and recorded on video a few times). My sons have each caught her on several occasions as well. I cant leave the house or her alone without someone being there with her. I have talked with her so many times and even threatened to report her to the SPCA if this continues, but it still does. From what Ive research this is the behavior of a social-path and I fear she could get board abusing animals and turn to humans...like my children or me. If i had the means or a job i would leave and take the kids but i know she would try and probably get the kids. So here i sit not knowing what my future of life holds.

Thanks for listening..
Posted 4/4/2011 4:33 AM (GMT 0)
 

Sounds like she is stretched past her limit. Can she cut back on her hours at work a little to make time for a nap? Can YOU get a part time job so you can make up for her lost hours?  And pay for a sitter for a few hours a day so she CAN sleep? She needs more sleep that you are allowing her.

I had a BiPolar roommate once and he did sleep a lot too. He'd fall asleep while he was talking to me. He couldn't work and had a mangled leg. It was all bent and scarred up and he had trouble standing and walking.

I also had a good friend who was Bipolar and she'd also fall asleep just about anywhere. Those drugs are very powerful and if you haven't GOT that by now then you aren't paying attention.

She can't do more than she is doing. You need to just suck it up and be a man and take care of your family. That INCLUDES your wife in sickness and in health.

mad  

Posted 4/6/2011 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
wow Glacier that is kind of harsh, maybe you have never dealt with bipolar disorder, suck it up and be a man....right. At what point do we let people take responcibility for their own actions?
Posted 4/6/2011 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
woaahhhh dude that's really mean. My own experiences sound a lot like Drew1's wife's. Not that I choke my dog or anything though. I lost a year or more off my face on all kinds of perscribed medication. My boyfriend (the saint) did everything Drew1 now says he has to do. He cooked, he cleaned, he answered the phone, he got my meds, he even stood outside the door while I showered because I was afraid to be alone. On occasion he kept my pills and doled them out to me, and removed dangerous things from the house. He mediated with my parents. When I was admitted, he walked to see me every day, even if I could barely stay awake from the medication.

Telling Drew1 to "suck it up and be a man" and to just "take care of his family" is unfair to him. He can never understand what this is like. This is his life, too, that's being affected; not just his wife's. Gradually I came to realise how much I was relying on my boyfriend, how much he was doing for me. It deepened our understanding of each other, of our bond together. Now no matter how dreadful I feel, I'll always make the effort for *him*, so that he's not always the one making the effort *for me*. Relationships go both ways.

I hope that maybe you will be able to talk to your wife, Drew1, in a calm and safe environment. She needs to know that she's not the only one going through hell.

xxx
Posted 4/13/2011 4:12 AM (GMT 0)
I appreciate the feedback from everyone as this has been and continues to be extremely difficult on all of us. Reflecting on the comment of " be a man" and "suck it up", I can honestly say that this is exactly what I've been doing my entire married life! The sacrifices I've made for her comfort has taken it's toll on my mental health as well. She needs me...well of course, that's my job as a spouse and partner. At the same time I need her to show me some appreciation, not all the time just once in a while. I recall on one episode she kicked me out of the house two days after I had surgery and under heavy pain meds, but I still forgave her.

So give me a break! She needs to be held accountable for her actions regardless. I refuse to be an enabler since I have been taken for granted way too long.
So give me a break, I'm human to and need attention just as much as a bipolar!
Posted 4/13/2011 11:20 AM (GMT 0)
You are right, so right. My wife is the same way. At some point we have to hold people accountable for the way they treat us. I have been pushed away so many times that I cannot count even though I am litterally the only one she has. Pushed away emotionally, physically (for about 6 years) and even asked to leave the house that I have spent the past 8 years paying for. I feel that most of the time i don't want to say some of the things that i am thinking because of how cold and selfish they would sound, but here is a good place to vent. I do everything to be a great husband, father, and partner but most of the time I get absolutly nothing in return and I have just decided for the past few years that this is my life and this is how it is going to be. I don't think she understands that just a little acknoledgment of what i put up with and what i do for her would change my entire outlook on the situation, she takes me for granted and some times I feel that the only way she would realize is if i were to leave for a while but there is no way i can do that as i am terrified that she will do something stupid. So here we are, we stand by with an irrational person who doesn't appreciate us and shows us zero attention, but we love them so we hang on even when they push us away... that is the story of my entire adult life.

P.S. I have noticed that after an injury and while on pain meds I tend to let a few feelings out that I normally keep to myself, bad idea. I don't take any medications and don't drink specifically so that i can keep my mouth shut. Not saying that is what happened with you, but I can easily see that in a moment of post op pain and clouded head you may have actually let your guard down and not been willing to get up and cook or do something else for her. I think it is fine to get upset at our spouces, sometimes they deserve it believe me, but my position is that they are still our spouces and we swore to take care of them...however I wonder how long they would stay around if we needed taking care of?? I can remember several times over the past 6-7 years that i got sick and was scolded and treated like crap for staying in bed for a day or two due to high fever and body aches. But again this is just another part of what we have chosen to live with, if I had a $ for each day she spent in the bad with me catering to each and every need, rubbing feet or just trying anything to help her, I would be a very rich man. So I take my vitimans, go to the gym, and try not to get sick, and if I do I will go stay with a friend so she doesn't have to deal with a sick husband for a day or two as that is asking too much.

Wow I feel better!!! And i did not even have to get into a week long fight. I am really sorry if anyone feels that I am bipolar bashing....I am really not but it is important that if you are bipolar, go home and hug and kiss the person who is standing by you and tell them that they mean the world to you. Sometimes that is all it would take to change a person's outlook. It would be so nice to hear that, but i doubt it will ever happen.
Posted 4/13/2011 2:59 PM (GMT 0)
I agree, just take a moment and hug and kiss those who support and stand by you! However from my experience the times they do show appreciation it's not long after till it backfires and they unleash on you again. So I'm better suited to just leave it alone and accept that this is my life and pray that me and my children are rewarded in the afterlife.

I so need therapy but again this has backfired by her drilling me for information, "did you talk all about me" or I'm simply punished for trying to better myself. So I too just go to the gym and don't drink, gringing at the though of what each day holds for me and my children.
Posted 4/13/2011 3:11 PM (GMT 0)
Tnguy1234 I'll also add that I too am all she has. She has pushed away all of her family through fights and constant arguments. My family has tried countless times to include and accept her but they have cut her off and me to a certain extent because I stand by her. I can't take her out in public too long out of a fear of potential triggers or anger towards others around her, I get accused of not supporting her viewpoints because they are so bizarre. Her family says I'm a saint for supporting her but they or nobody knows the hell I am living in. She is a beautiful and intelligent woman but behind the mask is a child.
Posted 4/14/2011 12:34 PM (GMT 0)
I know what you mean, for example just last night I though I would help out so she didn't have so much to do and do some laundry. Bad idea, as there is a very specific way that laundry has to be done and i don't know how to do it i guess. When I told her that I put the clothes that were in the washer in the dryer she went nuts and flipped out and screamed at me then actually running downstairs as fast as she could to get a couple of her things out of the dryer for fear they would shrink. This led to a huge fight and normally when she overreacts like this I am good about just groveling and appologizing (even though I was really trying to help out) just so she would calm down, but lately I have just been going through so much with her that i poped off and called her the "b" word....another bad idea. She said she was done with our marriage and she believes that most of our problems are because of me. The worst part is that I asked her if she thought her reaction to me putting clothes in the dryer was warranted and she said "absolutly" I know these type of arguments are normal for us but sometimes I get tired of going so far out of my way to try and help only to get scolded and yelled at, mainly because if i had just put the wet clothes in a basket i would have gotten it worse for being lazy. I am not sure what the future holds for us and I don't know how much longer I can hold on to her while she continues to push me away, it is exhausting. I am trying though and that is all I can do now. maybe there is an answer for us but she still seems to be in denial and really seems to believe that I cause everything...hell maye i am now also having problems and need to see a professional.
Posted 4/14/2011 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
I've experienced the same laundry senerio, years ago. But isn't this reaction typical to most situations? I've learned to just shut down and accept it, this is how it is. When my wife gets mad she stays mad for days until I am forced to apologize even when I'm not at fault, just to move on. I remember years ago we went on a cruise to Mexico and during an excursion she got mad at me for spending too much time with another couple we met. She got so mad that she refused to get on the ferry to return to the ship. She said she was staying in Mexico and not going. I said ok and i got on the ferry. She finally, at the last minute boarded the ferry as it was pulling away from the dock. Of course she sulked and made the remainder of our vacation miserable for all of us. There are sooo many more stories like this that would just make your head spin and say "what"! Wife's mother is also bipolar but never addressed it with meds or therapy. She treated her husband horribly everyday! The poor man was miserable but said she needed him which was why he stayed with her. My wife got so mad at her mother for the way she treated her father. Now I'm saying (and have reminded) to her that she's treating me the same as her mother treated her dad.
Posted 4/14/2011 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
do you think it's the illness that is making your wives act like this, or is it your wives' personalities? My dad's girlfriend does all that stuff, and she's not bipolar to my knowledge. She has issues - doesn't everyone? :) - but you don't really have to connect the illness with the irrationality/anger/selfishness. I mean, I admit that my bf does everything for me when I'm on a bad cycle of days, just like you guys and your wives. I'd stay in bed etc and he'd do everything for me. But I don't treat him the way you guys are describing that you're treated. And if he's sick I look after him! [or at least as best I can...he's a real 'man's man' and refuses to ask for help!] So perhaps it's not the bipolar making them act that way at all?
Posted 4/15/2011 1:10 AM (GMT 0)
I considered that it might possibly be a quirky personality at first. However after 21 years of marriage and two hospital admissions it's quite evident that there is much more to this than a personality issue. She has been diagnosed by several psychiatrists as being bipolar II and borderline personality disorder. To her credit she is on medication and through trial and error has found the right mix. But with any situation one must always avoid any potential triggers.
Posted 4/16/2011 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
Oh my.. my heart is breaking for you & your children. Her abusing your dog is uncalled for. If i were you I would of reported her already. That is definitely a red flag. You need to think of the safety of yourself & your children.

Does she take meds? And she is an RN?! I wouldn't want her to be my RN.

I am currently separated from my Bipolar husband. And I haven't felt this peaceful in a long time. I am definietly filing for a divorce I can't continue putting up with his behavior.

Hope all the best for you & your children.
Posted 4/16/2011 10:06 PM (GMT 0)

tnguy1234 said...
You are right, so right. My wife is the same way. At some point we have to hold people accountable for the way they treat us. I have been pushed away so many times that I cannot count even though I am litterally the only one she has. Pushed away emotionally, physically (for about 6 years) and even asked to leave the house that I have spent the past 8 years paying for. I feel that most of the time i don't want to say some of the things that i am thinking because of how cold and selfish they would sound, but here is a good place to vent. I do everything to be a great husband, father, and partner but most of the time I get absolutly nothing in return and I have just decided for the past few years that this is my life and this is how it is going to be. I don't think she understands that just a little acknoledgment of what i put up with and what i do for her would change my entire outlook on the situation, she takes me for granted and some times I feel that the only way she would realize is if i were to leave for a while but there is no way i can do that as i am terrified that she will do something stupid. So here we are, we stand by with an irrational person who doesn't appreciate us and shows us zero attention, but we love them so we hang on even when they push us away... that is the story of my entire adult life.

P.S. I have noticed that after an injury and while on pain meds I tend to let a few feelings out that I normally keep to myself, bad idea. I don't take any medications and don't drink specifically so that i can keep my mouth shut. Not saying that is what happened with you, but I can easily see that in a moment of post op pain and clouded head you may have actually let your guard down and not been willing to get up and cook or do something else for her. I think it is fine to get upset at our spouces, sometimes they deserve it believe me, but my position is that they are still our spouces and we swore to take care of them...however I wonder how long they would stay around if we needed taking care of?? I can remember several times over the past 6-7 years that i got sick and was scolded and treated like crap for staying in bed for a day or two due to high fever and body aches. But again this is just another part of what we have chosen to live with, if I had a $ for each day she spent in the bad with me catering to each and every need, rubbing feet or just trying anything to help her, I would be a very rich man. So I take my vitimans, go to the gym, and try not to get sick, and if I do I will go stay with a friend so she doesn't have to deal with a sick husband for a day or two as that is asking too much.

Wow I feel better!!! And i did not even have to get into a week long fight. I am really sorry if anyone feels that I am bipolar bashing....I am really not but it is important that if you are bipolar, go home and hug and kiss the person who is standing by you and tell them that they mean the world to you. Sometimes that is all it would take to change a person's outlook. It would be so nice to hear that, but i doubt it will ever happen.

Oh. My.. I feel your pain. My bipolar husband is the exact same way. I feel that they should be responsiable for their actions. Since my husband Diagnoses he stop showing emotion & love for me. He is so ungrateful, we are currently separated because he says he doen't love me. I have been putting up with so much. I need to think of me for a change. I feel if I do stay with him I will become more depressed and live a terrible life with someone who doesn't care. I know he has an awful disease but I am SICK & TIRED of ALL HIS CRAP!! I can't do it anymore. I am sorry if I sound mean but he did walk out on me & our children. I think is for the best!

 

 

Posted 10/22/2013 2:43 AM (GMT 0)
Sometimes I wonder if there are parallel lives in this world. The incident about the dog was like what I experienced. It has stopped and my W adores our dog...for now. This thread is probably dormant now, but I would love to hear from you guys facing these issues how things have gone. Thanks.
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